The Time Trap

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:09 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Time Trap' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We are approaching the Delta Triangle, an area of space where countless starships have mysteriously vanished. Personally, I'd prefer to be heading for Bermuda, but that's the way it goes.

Kirk: Spock, what would explain these reported ship disappearances?
Spock: There could be any number of reasons. Navigational errors. Space storms. Communication breakdowns.
Sulu: Captain, three Klingon warships have surrounded us!
Spock: Add "piracy" to that list.

Kor: This is Captain Kor, of the Klothos. Surrender or we will destroy you!
Kirk: What, you again? Get lost!
Klothos: POOF!
Kirk: I meant that figuratively.
Enterprise: POOF!
Kirk: And I wasn't talking about us!

Scotty: The stars are gone!
Spock: We seem to have entered a strange pocket in the space-time continuum.
Kirk: Quite a discovery. I think I'll name it... The Void!
Spock: How original.

Scotty: Sir, look at all those starships up ahead!
Spock: They appear to be drifting derelicts.
Kirk: Good. I was worried one of them might shoot at us the moment we got here.
Sulu: Incoming Klingon torpedo, sir!
Kirk: (irritably) Do you have any good news today, Mr. Sulu?
Sulu: Uh... the torpedo's just dissolved harmlessly.
Kirk: That's better.

Uhura: The captain! He's vanished!
Klingon Officer: (over the comm) Our captain has just disappeared!
McCoy: Do you think the Metrons are at it again?
Spock: Not an unreasonable hypothesis.

Xerius: Welcome to our harmonious Elysian society. Devna, pronounce our law.
Devna: If any of you commits violence, your entire crew will be suspended for a century.
Kor: A century? You can't be serious!
Devna: No, I'm Devna; he's Xerius.

Sulu: We have barely three weeks before our warp core is drained.
Spock: And only four days before our dilithium crystals break down.
Scotty: And just five hours before the Scotch supply runs out!
Kirk: Then we'll have to set priorities. Bones, how soon can you rig up a still?

Kaz: There is no way to escape this inert layer of subspace.
Kor: Let us try anyway and half-wreck our ship in the process!
Kaz: A human captain would never act that stupidly.
Kor: (pounding the table with his fist) We are Klingons!

Spock: I propose that we escape by pooling our resources with the Klingons.
Kirk: Good idea. We'll call this arrangement... The Alliance!
McCoy: How do you come up with all these great names?

Kor: Very well -- we will work with you.
Spock: (arms around Kor and Kaz) Thank you so much, comrades!
Kirk: "Comrades"?
Spock: I am merely filling in for the absent Mr. Chekov, sir.

Spock: The Klingons are plotting treachery against us.
Kirk: How did you find that out?
Spock: By using the Vulcan Mind Hug, of course.

Kaz: (handing Kor a card) Kirk has invited us to an "intercultural going-away party."
Kor: (reading) "Electronic mood music provided by the Mute Alien Quartet"? Arrrrgggh! And what does "BYOB" mean?
Kaz: "Bring Your Own Bloodwine," I think.
Kor: They will all die for this outrage!

Kaz: Keep away from my woman!
McCoy: Hey, all I did was ask her to dance.
Kaz: You'll have to fight me for her, human!
Kali: (slugging Kaz) We Klingon women do our own fighting!
McCoy: That's quite a left hook you've got there, miss.
Kali: (slugging McCoy) Who asked for your opinion?

Xerius: The Klingons must be punished for starting the fight!
Kirk: If you suspend them, we won't be able to escape.
Xerius: Why is that so important to you?
Kirk: Because... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
McCoy: Nice speech, Dorothy.

Kirk: Take us out, Mr. Sulu. Be sure to stay in tight formation with the Klothos.
Sulu: Our ships are bolted together, sir.
Kirk: Oh. That should do, then.

Xerius: Enterprise, the Klingons have planted a bomb on your ship!
Uhura: (over the comm) Who's speaking, please?
Xerius: This is Xerius!
Uhura: I agree, but I still need your name and phone number.

Scotty: Here it is! Open a window so I can throw it out into space!
Spock: May I suggest you use an ejection slot instead?

Kor: Kaz, notify the High Council that I have destroyed the Enterprise!
Kaz: Actually, they survived intact.
Kor: And add that I take full credit for our escape, too!
Kaz: That's not true either, sir.
Kor: No one ever got to be a Dahar Master by being modest, you lunkhead!
(The Klothos sails away at Pretentious Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.