The Practical Joker

Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:14 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Practical Joker' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Well, here we are on a routine survey mission that's been absolutely uneventful. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

Spock: We are being attacked by three Romulan ships, Captain!
Kirk: That's the last time I call a mission 'routine'.
Romulan: (over the comm) Was our "No Trespassing" sign too small? Geez, get out!
Kirk: But we weren't in your territory.
Romulan: Meh.

Sulu: Captain, a mysterious energy field!
Kirk: How conveeeenient... Let's go through.
Energy Field: BAM! BAM! BAM!
Sulu: It worked -- the Romulans are retreating.
Kirk: Wussies.

McCoy: Here's to drinking!
All: Cheers!
McCoy: Trick glasses? I think we have a practical joker.
Kirk: Just because that's the episode name doesn't mean that's the answer. Now eat your lunch with your rubber fork.

Scotty: Off to have a sandwich....
Computer: Nope. Have some pie.
Scotty: Arrrgggh!

Kirk: Okay, now this is getting bad. Look at the back of my shirt!
Arex: (Reading) "Kirk is a Jerk."
Kirk: That's it, you're demoted.
Arex: But...but....

M'Ress: Look behind you! Fog!
Computer: Hahahaha!
Kirk: Who was that?
Spock: I believe it was the computer. The computer is our practical joker.
Kirk: You can tell that just from a laugh? How do you know its not Nurse Chapel? Or Lieutenant M'Ress?
Spock: Uh....
Kirk: ....or Grey from Yesteryear? Or the Huron first officer? Or Randi Bryce? Or....
Majel Barrett: Quiet, you!

Uhura: Nothing like a relaxing visit to the holodeck, eh?
McCoy: Rec Room, not holodeck. Now let's walk in the woods. Nothing could ever go wrong here!
Sulu: Riiight.

M'Ress: Oh no! They're not responding, Captain.
Kirk: Meh, leave em. We need a few more scenes to show off the holodeck.
M'Ress: Rec Room.
Kirk: Whatever.

Computer: Hahahaha!
Sulu: What was that?
McCoy: Probably just the maniacal laughter of the practical joker. Now let's head over to that suspicious looking patch of leaves.
Computer: Hahahaha! You fell for my elephant trap!
Uhura: Who are you calling an elephant?
McCoy: Please, just keep quiet for your own sake.

Kirk: Okay, let's try reasoning with the computer.
Computer: I heard that. No.
Spock: I believe we're in trouble.
Scotty: (over the comm) I concur.
Kirk: What? Am I supposed to disagree or something?

McCoy: Well we're out of the trap. Now, let's hope things don't get worse.
Computer: Here, have a blizzard!
Sulu: Oh no! Uhura will freeze to death in that miniskirt!
Uhura: mMmmmhmM!
McCoy: I didn't mean that you should just stop talking altogether....
Uhura: Oh.

Kirk: I want a revelation scene!
Spock: Okay; Lieutenants M'Ress and Arex are your blood parents.
Kirk: No no, I mean a revelation about our situation.
Spock: Oh. Well then, that energy barrier we went through messed up the computer.
Kirk: That's better. By the way, was that first little revelation true?
Spock: Um...excuse me but I have to go now.

Uhura: You know, if we walk in one direction we're bound to hit a wall somewhere.
McCoy: Are you forgetting that whole "infinite space" bit?
Uhura: No, I'm just not buying it.
McCoy: Oh. Well, let's try then.

Kirk: Hahahahahahahaha!
M'Ress: Hahahahahahahaha!
Scotty: (over the comm) Hahahahahahahaha!
Arex: Hahahahahahahaha!
Spock: I hate to be the party pooper, but the decks are being flooded with laughing gas.
Everyone: Hahahahahahahaha!
Spock: Sigh. Must I do everything myself?

Captain's Log: After Spock got the air working again, we mysteriously have only six hours of it left.

McCoy: I can't go on! You all must go on without me.
Uhura: Save that for Star Trek VI.
Computer: Here, have a maze instead.
Redshirt: Here, have a rescue instead of that.
Sulu: I say we go with the second one.
Uhura: Agreed.
Computer: Aww.

Spock: The engines are firing. We're headed toward the Neutral Zone.
Uhura: Look! A giant blow-up Enterprise is coming out of the cargo bay!
Kirk: Where'd we get one of those?
Computer: Who cares! The Romulans will fall for it.

Romulan: Look, a giant starship balloon!
Commander: Ooh, let's fall for it!


Spock: Captain, the Romulans are giving chase, and the computers have taken over helm control.
Kirk: Are we going into the energy field?
Spock: No.
Kirk: Good.
Spock: Wait, now we are.
Kirk: Nooooooo!

Energy Field: BAM! BAM! BAM!
Computer: Hahaha! Ow, that smarts.
Kirk: Hahaha! Kirk 1, Computer 0!
Uhura: We're getting a message from the Romulans. Their computers are tricking them too!
Kirk: Meh.
McCoy: We're going against that whole "Starfleet compassion" thing.
Kirk: Didn't you hear my "Meh" the first time?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.