The Pirates of OrionBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:11 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Pirates of Orion' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: Despite the sudden outbreak of Monkeypox aboard the Enterprise, we still naively plan to carry out some lame mission which we all know will get postponed as soon as we find an excuse.
Kirk: Hmm.... better cancel our mission.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Then why's he breathing?
McCoy: Oops. Well, he'll be dead soon enough -- Monkeypox is fatal to Vulcans.
Kirk: What can we do?
McCoy: There's a cure, but it only exists on a planet four days away. Spock'll be dead in three.
Spock: (muttering) Ren... dez... vous....
Kirk: I don't see how Buick can help.
McCoy: As much as I may dislike Spock sometimes, I'll hate to see him go like this.
Kirk: But Bones, we've arranged to meet the Huron in order to obtain the drug on time.
McCoy: Why that devious, green-blooded....
Helmsman: Sir, there's an incoming vessel. It's --
Captain: The Enterprise?
Helmsman: Nope, just some menacingly designed starship. Ramming speed, sir?
Captain: Nah, just hail them.
Uhura: Captain, we're picking up an emergency beacon from the Huron.
Kirk: Can you locate the ship, Spock?
Kirk: (pause) Is that a no?
McCoy: The drug's not working on him anymore. Curse his green blood!
Kirk: Shouldn't it be more brownish? He's half human, and red and green make --
Arex: Found the Huron, sir, nestled safely between Michigan and Erie.
Kirk: Good work. Everyone with two legs on the bridge will beam aboard with me.
Kirk: Yes, I strongly disapprove of Doohan-voiced aliens.
Chapel: He needs surgery.
Scotty: The hull is empty.
Uhura: And their log book is broken...ey.
Kirk: Egad, time to hunt down the enemy.
Captain's Log: The incompetent captain of the Huron didn't catch the name of the aliens who attacked his ship. It's a good thing such captains don't get their own series.
Arex: I found the enemy ship, sir, but I won't tell you where it is until you apologize.
Kirk: Uh... sorry.
Arex: Say it and mean it.
Kirk: Lieutenant, I didn't realize you'd take such offense. Believe me when I tell you how truly sorry I am.
Arex: Better. The ship's over there.
Kirk: Thanks, ya big orange bug.
Uhura: We're being hailed by the Ore-ee-ons, sir.
Arex: I believe that's pronounced "Orion".
Kirk: Whatever. Viewscreen on.
Pirate: (on screen) Why are you chasing us? We're merely a vessel of commerce.
Kirk: Yeah, and my favorite ride at Disney is "Traders of the Caribbean." Listen, you've got a drug we need.
Pirate: What? Hey, we're pirates, not drug-runners!
Kirk: No, a medicine! Give it to us, and we won't press charges.
Pirate: All right, meet us on the asteroid below.
Pirate: Crap! What do we do?
Lieutenant: I suggest you bring some charges down with you. From here, I'll press some buttons to detonate the charges. That way we'll detonate both ships.
Pirate: I'll beam down and press the charges myself. It's the only way to be certain that we'll prevent them from pressing charges.
Pirate: Here's the drug, as promised. But I cannot allow the Federation to press Orion's buttons. My backpack is loaded with charges.
Kirk: But we weren't intending to press charges!
Pirate: Charge! (the two begin to fight)
Scotty: Quick, beam them aboard!
(Kirk and the pirate materialize on the transporter pad)
Kirk: Thank goodness. Spock's ailment is a much more pressing matter.
Captain's Log: Everything's back to normal. The Orion suicide mission was prevented. And as expected, we will be pressing charges.
McCoy: Haha! Admit it -- your Vulcanosity almost killed you!
Spock: I still much prefer my physiology to yours.
McCoy: Even when... you know... when it's that time of the decade?
Spock: That's not funny.
(Spock sulks around at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.