Beyond the Farthest Star

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 8:09 PM GMT

Captain's Log: As we begin the fourth year of our five-year mission....
Lt. Arex: Sir, is this log entry part of the official ship's record?
Kirk: Give me one good reason why it shouldn't be. And who the heck are you, anyway?
Arex: The new navigator, sir.
Kirk: Spock, I'd requested a Deltan. Why did we get a three-armed, three-legged alien instead?
Spock: Apparently because Starfleet believes that many hands make light work.

Kirk: Mr. Arex, set course for the edge of the galaxy -- where no man has gone before!
Sulu: Sir, we've already been there three times.
Kirk: Quiet, Mr. Sulu. We've got a new navigator; don't make me commission another pilot too.
Sulu: That's "helmsman," sir.
Kirk: Whatever.

Sulu: We're being pulled off course by a hypergravitational field!
Kirk: Spock, what's that thing we're heading towards?
Spock: It seems to be an economy-class black hole.
Kirk: Why "economy-class?"
Spock: Because it's dark grey and covered with craters.
Kirk: I was wondering why we could see it so well.

McCoy: We're trapped in orbit here?
Kirk: Yes, but the only alternative was to crash.
McCoy: Never mind that. What if there are people down there who mistake us for a sky god or something?

Spock: We are approaching an ancient starship of unknown design.
Uhura: It could hold a crew of tens of thousands!
McCoy: Or a crew of a thousand ten miles tall!
Spock: Your grasp of volumetric equivalences is abysmal, Doctor.
McCoy: Shall we discuss your grasp of hyperbole while we're at it?

Kirk: All right, let's beam to the outside of the alien ship.
McCoy: Jim, I don't trust these new life-support belts.
Kirk: Why not? They're much less cumbersome than our bulky old spacesuits.
McCoy: You're not kidding -- all they do is project a yellow line around us.
Kirk: They're also much cheaper.

Kirk: Look -- every compartment on the vessel's been ruptured.
Spock: I would speculate that the captain gave the order to destroy his own ship.
Kirk: Let's go find his log. I need to know if he was looking up data on ESP and that sort of stuff.

Kirk: Here we are, inside the bottle.
Spock: Inside what?
Kirk: The ship in the bottle.
Scotty: Huh?
Kirk: Good Lord, didn't anyone else build model spaceships when they were a boy?
McCoy: I think Jonathan Archer did.
Kirk: Who?

Kirk: We're trapped in this control room!
Scotty: Our communicators and phasers have stopped working!
McCoy: And some kind of alien force is trying to break in!
Spock: Perhaps the information in this ancient log entry will solve all our problems.
Alien Captain: (on viewscreen) Dear future visitors. I regret being the harbinger of your doom, but....
Kirk: Could you please switch to another channel, Spock?

Sulu: (over the comm): Transporter Room! Did you get all four of them out?
Kirk: We're safe, Mr. Sulu. Transportation was 100% successful.
Kyle: (pointing to the rear transporter pad) Uh, sir -- make that 125% successful....

Spock: The alien magnetic organism has merged with the Enterprise's computers.
Kirk: How can you tell?
Computer Panel: (singing) It's not easy being green....
Kirk: Forget I asked.

Kirk: Who are you and what do you want?
Alien Voice: I'm God and I want a ride on your starship.
Kirk: What does God need with a starship?
Alien: I move in mysterious ways.

Spock: The alien must have spent ages imprisoned here at the galaxy's edge.
Alien: That is correct! And I need your ship to escape!
Kirk: Where do you want to go?
Alien: To the galaxy's centre!
Kirk: Good plan.

Alien: Obey me! I guarantee that I have no evil motives.
Kirk: I don't believe you.
Kirk: OOOF!
Spock: I don't believe you either.
Spock: OOOF!
Alien: Do you also doubt me?
McCoy: Give me a minute -- I'm thinking.

Sulu: Captain! You're piloting us straight for the black hole at warp speed!
Alien: (fleeing) AAUUGGHHH! Let me out of here!
McCoy: (pounding the turbolift doors) AAUUGGHHH! Let me out of here!
Kirk: Relax, was just a ruse to get the alien off the ship.
McCoy: Well, now that it's worked -- TURN THE DAMN WHEEL!
Kirk: Oops. I nearly forgot that part.

Kirk: Let's get back to our mission. Mr. Sulu, take us beyond the farthest star of our galaxy and begin star-charting.
Sulu: Won't that produce a completely blank map, sir?
Kirk: It's a dull job but somebody's got to do it!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.