By Captain Carnotaur
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:00 PM GMT

See Also: 'Whispers' Episode Guide

O'Brien: Okay, so now I'm a fugitive, pursued by an armada of Federation vessels.
Computer: Yes, you're doomed.
O'Brien: Shut up. (ahem) How did I come to this?
Computer: You'd better not make any of those dumb childhood flashbacks, or I'll drive this shuttle into a star.

O'Brien: Good morning everybody!
Molly: Aaaaaaa! Bogeyman! OW!
O'Brien: Why did Molly just slam herself into a locked door?
Keiko: Just one of those stages kids go through.
O'Brien: Hope this stage ends soon, or I'll have to get a new door.

Sisko: Hey O'Brien. How was the trip?
O'Brien: Terrible.
Sisko: How were the Paradans?
O'Brien: Snobby.
Sisko: What did they smell like?
O'Brien: A combination of rotting vegetables and molten tofu. Can I work on the evil practical jokes we'll play on the Paradans now?
Sisko: Er, no. I want you to repair the upper pylons.
O'Brien: But they're working perfectly!
Sisko: Urm, uh, no they aren't. (Kira, I need those upper pylons down, and I need them down now!)

Bashir: I need to give you a decapitation.
O'Brien: A what?
Bashir: Oops, I meant an examination.
O'Brien: No thank you. I'd rather not have the entire station knowing how my bladders and kidneys are functioning.
Bashir: Hey, I didn't leak your medical records! It was Kira... honest!

O'Brien: Are you done yet? It's been 29 hours!
Bashir: One minute. I still need to run 492 more scans, not to mention 40 tissue samples.
O'Brien: I hate your guts.

Jake: Hey O'Brien! How was your physical?
O'Brien: Don't ask. I'm still trying to think up evil things to do to Bashir.
Jake: Er, whatever. Can you help me? I'm trying to build a really really really old piece of equipment.
O'Brien: What is it?
Jake: A phased quantum flux icodimensional thorium antimatter quasistabilizer.

O'Brien: Let me in.
DeCurtis: No can do.
O'Brien: Do it or I'll demote you to waste extraction.
DeCurtis: Sure thing! Just give me a second to input the code and ­--
Sisko: Open that door and I'll have you work at Quark's.
O'Brien: Siskooooooooo!

O'Brien: Where's Jake?
Keiko: He got sick. He can't come.
Jake: (starts to walk in) Hey gu­--
Keiko: Out, fool! (kicks Jake out and closes door)
O'Brien: Was that Jake?
Keiko: You're thinking things.
O’Brien: But what are those screams of agony coming from the hallway?

O'Brien: Heeeeeeeeey, baby.
Keiko: (smack) How dare you!
O'Brien: But I'm your husband!
Keiko: Oh, true.

O'Brien: Let's see if anything's wrong on the station. Computer, scan for moldy blue cheese.
Computer: Large quantities detected in DeCurtis' brain.
O'Brien: Ah, so that explains his behavior.

Sisko: Would you by any chance know the person who passed out all my personal logs and most embarrassing letters to everyone on the station?
O'Brien: Probably DeCurtis. You should demote him to waste extraction.
Sisko: Good idea.

O'Brien: Hey Odo! How was the trip?
Odo: Terrible. The Bajorans smelled like a combination of rotting vegetables and molten tofu.
O'Brien: That sounds oddly reminiscent of my vacation...
Odo: That's impossible.
O'Brien: Anyway, everybody on the station is acting wonky.
Odo: Wonky? In what way?
O'Brien: Well, Sisko's been peeking looks at my personal logs....
Odo: That's not odd at all.

Odo: Well, I've looked around, and I don't see anything unusual. Though you know, looking at your personal logs, I believe --
O'Brien: You looked at my personal logs? AAAAA! Everybody's after me!

Kira: We are the mob! We want your brain! Bwahahahahaha-- OW!
O'Brien: Shut up, freak!
Bashir: Just calm down while we give you this injection....
O'Brien: Get that harpoon away from me! It might be filled with nitric acid!
Bashir: Dangit. Alright, who told him? Kira, did you tell him?
O'Brien: That's it, I'm out of here.
Blue Cheese Explosive: (BOOM)

O'Brien: Jake! I need your help! They're all after me and --
Jake: Aaaaaaaaaaa! Bogeyman! OW!
O'Brien: I hate it when kids scream and then crash into doors like that.

Bajoran Phaser: Hey there.
O'Brien: Hey! How'd you become sentient?
Phaser: That's not important. Can I desert you now, rendering you defenseless and unarmed?
O'Brien: Uh, no.
Phaser: Too late.
O'Brien: I know I should have taken a Federation phaser...

O'Brien: Run to the hills, my fellow kinsmen!
Sisko: We have our hectobolt devices locked on your position! Don't move or we fire!
O'Brien: You don't even have hectobolt devices. Nyaa nyaa.

O'Brien: Aha! Caught you in the act!
Sisko: Act of what?
O'Brien: Of, er, something! Now step away from the phasers and put your door on the ground!
Sisko, Bashir, and Kira: Huh?
O'Brien: Er, I mean put your phasers on the ground and step away from the door. You too, stone-ghouls.
Paradan Stormtroopers: Make us, sucker.
O'Brien: Ow!
Sisko: Oh no! You just shot the man who was about to shoot me! How could you?
Paradan Stormtroopers: Your logic eludes us.

Bashir: Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
Real O'Brien: Hey, it's me!
Fake O'Brien: Hey, it's you! I mean me... I mean, er... it's a clone!
Real O'Brien: No, you must be a clone!
Fake O'Brien: No, you must be a clone!
Real O'Brien: No, YOU must be a clone!
Fake O'Brien: No, YOU-- GAK!
Real O'Brien: Ha. I got the last word.
(The crew return to DS9 at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Captain Carnotaur is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.