Trials and Tribble-ationsBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:14 PM GMT
See Also: 'Trials and Tribble-ations' Episode Guide
Lucsley: We're from the Department of Temporal Investigations. You haven't heard of us before because we didn't exist until this episode needed narration.
Dulmer: Yes, and we believe that the truth is out there.
Sisko: Er, yes... so want me to start from the top?
Lucsley: Humor us. Except don't, because we hate humor.
Sisko: Right...okay, so we were orbiting Cardassia, when all of a sudden--
Waddle: Hey, nice to see humDIE HUMAN SCUMans again!
Bashir: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Waddle: Don't worry about it. So, I hear you brought the Orb of TiYOU'LL ALL PAYme on board as well.
O'Brien: Something seems a bit fishy here....
O'Brien: Sir, time's gone all wonky.
Sisko: Time's gone all wonky?
O'Brien: Yes sir.
Sisko: You don't have a better explanation than that?
Jadzia: I don't think he needs one with that on the screen.
Lucsley: That can't be right, ships don't say "Howdy."
Sisko: Please, this is a-- oh wait, that's right you don't do humor.
Dulmer: No, but the truth is out there.
Sisko: Indeed...back to the story.
Sisko: Odo, give us the rundown.
Odo: We've traveled back in time to the classic original series episode "The Trouble with Tribbles."
Sisko: Can you give us a synopsis?
Worf: You mean you haven't seen it? Wow...just wow.
Sisko: Please -- I was born over 350 years after it first aired!
Odo: Excuses, excuses.
Bashir: Hello, Lieutenant Sisko.
O'Brien: Hello, Lieutenant Bashir.
Sisko: Hello, Redshirt O'Brien.
Bashir, O'Brien, and Sisko: Helloooo Nurse Dax!
Bashir: (aside to O'Brien) Wow, do all the women in this century look like that?
Bashir: Er, you weren't supposed to hear that.
Watley: It doesn't matter. In this century, we also will all fall head-over-heels in love with you no matter what you say.
Bashir: Ah...the days before PC television.
Waitress: What can I get you?
Odo: How about some blood wine.
Waitress: What's that? You're the second person who's asked for it today!
Odo: I can't imagine who the first was.
Uhura: Ooh, what's that?
Cyrano Jones: Why, a tribble of course! Wasn't the title obvious?
Bartender: The title also refers to certain "trials" with your tribble-ations.
Jones: I suppose it's not defacing a classic if we're re-writing a parody....
O'Brien: This whole relay is so cross-circuited, I wouldn't be surprised if it blew up in my face.
Redshirt: Hey! Scotty sent me to repair this relay!
Bashir: Well that explains that....
Odo: In my endeavor to understand humanoids, I got a pet. See?
Worf: A tribble? DIEDIEDIE!
Odo: Calm down, you know that does attract attention.
Worf: Don't tell me you named it....
Odo: His name is Spot. I must feed him and pet him and tell him he is a good tribble.
Worf: You mustn't feed him.
Uhura: (over the comm) All hands, red alert!
Sisko: Kira, what's going on?
Kira: (over the comm) A Klingon ship just decloaked and is heading this way.
Jadzia: Must be Koloth. I remember him telling me that Kirk was a loser, but he still regretted facing him in battle.
Sisko: But he did in the animated tribble episode!
Jadzia: You've seen that one but not this one? Wow...just wow.
Sisko: Shut up.
Watley: Hello again. You realize meeting me twice means we're destined to have some steamy scene together later.
Bashir: Come on, this is Deep Space Nine, not the original show; I wouldn't be surprised if I got beamed to the station without being able to say goodbye.
Kira: (over the comm) You've gotta help Worf and Odo; ready to beam over?
Watley: Well if you change your mind, I'll be in sickbay tomorrow to "play doctor." My name is as indicated. Good bye.
Bashir: Watley? that was my great-grandmother's name.
O'Brien: Well that should be a huge turn-off.
Bashir: Don't you see? I could be my own great-grandfather!
O'Brien: First off, that's disgusting. Secondly, it's genetically impossible.
Bashir: Oh, stop fussing over "technicalities."
Kirk: (in the background) I was unaware that 1,771,561 tribbles constituted a swarm.
Jadzia: Oh, come on! Can't we just say hi?
Sisko: Of course not; we can blend into the background with Forrest Gump-inspired technology, but interaction is a whole different story.
Jadzia: This is textual; you can do whatever you want!
Sisko: Yes, but we have a story to stick too.
Jadzia: I will wear you down eventually....
Bashir: Wow, I've never been on assignment to sit around and get drunk before....
Odo: We are waiting for Arne Waddle. Er, I mean Barry Darvin. Er....
Waitress: What can I get you two, besides hats?
Waitress: Every other Starfleet officer here is wearing a "Koloth is a Loser" hat, to make fun of those Klingons.
Waitress: Yeah. The ones over here that look like warrior-Mongols are from 1967, and the ones over there that look like overgrown Oompa Loompas are from 1996.
Worf: Klingons do not discuss make-up with outsiders.
Klingon: The Enterprise sucks.
Scotty: Fair enough -- Thwap!
Bashir and O'Brien: Uh...thwap?
Jones: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Beefy Redshirt: Stop that!
O'Brien: "Beefy Redshirt"? There's a first....
Beefy Redshirt: I come prepared.
Lucsley: A fight? You could've avoided that!
Dulmer: The truth IS out there!
Sisko: For the last time, all you have in common with Mulder are 6 letters!
Kirk: I want to know who threw the first punch!
O'Brien: It was me, I did it! I'm also the Klingon double agent, and Deep Throat!
Kirk: Very well, you're all sent to bed without supper -- not you Scotty.
O'Brien: (aside to Bashir) I love this no-interaction thing. I can say whatever I want without damaging the timeline!
Bashir: Yet I can't have sex with my great-grandmother.
O'Brien: The word "pathetic" comes to mind....
Waddle: Hello agaREVENGE IS MINEin.
Odo: You can give that up, your secret has been revealed already.
Waddle: The one about me putting a bomb in a tribble?
Worf: Make that two secrets.
Sisko: I just love scanning for tribbles!
Jadzia: I just love staring at doctors I hit on in a past life!
Sisko: I just love curbing your libido!
Scotty: They're into the machinery, through air vents just like those on the station, specifically the grain storage bins.
Kirk: Very interesting.
Jadzia: Funny how it's still called a space station, but we modernized spaceship into starship....
Sisko: They're going to the station, shouldn't we do something?
Jadzia: Only if we want to restore the timeline. Oh wait, I suppose you do have a point....
Spock: Captain, these tribbles appear to be gorged....
Baris: That's terrible!
Spock: ...and dead....
Kirk: That's worse!
Spock: ...and ticking.
Sisko and Jadzia: AGH!
Spock: Heh heh. Just kidding. Well, on the third one anyway.
Sisko: I found it!
Jadzia: How can you tell that's the one?
Sisko: Well the fuse certainly helps....
Sisko: So then, everything was fixed, except for one last thing....
Dulmer: is the truth But out there.
Sisko: That's not funny.
Kirk: Yes, Lieutenant?
Sisko: Could you sign my replicated uniform?
Kirk: Your mirror-universe miniskirt was shorter....
Sisko: See? No temporal violations. Just innocent film editing.
Lucsley: Well, it looks like everything's in order...would you say so, Dulmer?
Sisko: Ah, no 24th century adhesives compare to the power of duct tape....
Odo: Did they ask?
Sisko: About the tribbles?
Odo: About the hats!
Sisko: Point; there are always plenty of Klingon ships around here to beam tribbles onto.
(The tribbles multiply at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.