Through the Looking GlassBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:08 PM GMT
See Also: 'Through the Looking Glass' Episode Guide
Odo: I caught Quark and Morn getting ready to stage a vole fight.
Quark: Not true! That'd be inhuman!
Sisko: Neither of you is human, Quark.
Quark: Point taken -- but we were going to stage a vole race, that's all. There's nothing cruel about that.
Sisko: And just how do you get a vole to run a race?
Quark: You tie a string of firecrackers to its tail, of course.
Mirror O'Brien: (brandishing a weapon) Get in the transporter, Sisko. I'm taking you to my universe.
Sisko: Judging from your outfit, it's a place with a ghastly sense of fashion.
Mirror O'Brien: Our clothes fit our personalities just fine.
Sisko: I was afraid of that.
Sisko: You kidnapped me to help the Rebel Alliance fight the evil Empire?
Mirror O'Brien: Right idea, wrong names. Over here, the Empire is the Klingon half of the evil Alliance with the Cardassians. Our side is called the "Rebel Thuggery."
Sisko: That's an odd name for the people who are fighting the bad guys.
Mirror O'Brien: "Thug" in our universe means the same thing as "goody two-shoes" in yours.
Sisko: Let me get this straight. You want me, who's alive, to replace your Sisko, who's dead, and tell your Jennifer, who's alive -- unlike my Jennifer, who's dead -- that she's a dead woman if she doesn't stop building a sensor array for the Alliance?
Mirror O'Brien: Isn't it obvious?
Mirror Kira: Mmmmmh...yes...more grapes...more brawny men...more voluptuous women....
Mirror Jennifer: (entering room) Professor Sisko reporting as ordered, ma'am. Here's my latest construction progress report.
Mirror Kira: You're breaking the mood, dear.
Mirror O'Brien: Remember -- to be convincing as our Sisko, you'll have to talk loud, act brash and call me "Smiley."
Sisko: Gotcha. I can handle it.
Mirror O'Brien: You'll also have to wear this stylish outfit.
Sisko: No way!
Mirror Rom: Let's attack Terok Nor and avenge Captain Sisko's death!
Mirror Tuvok: Your idea is illogical, foolhardy and suicidal.
Mirror Bashir: You always say that, Tuvok! Quit complaining or get lost!
Mirror Tuvok: How far away do you require me to be?
Mirror Bashir: Seventy thousand light-years would do nicely.
Rom: Captain...you're alive!
Mirror Jadzia: (kissing Sisko) Rowr. I want you out of those clothes right now.
Sisko: Believe me, so do I.
Mirror Garak: Bad news, Intendant. No matter how much I flog the slaves, their morale refuses to improve.
Mirror Kira: I'll show you how to boost worker productivity! Random executions! Guards, take those three away and shoot them!
Chief Guard: Dilbert, Wally, Alice -- you heard the boss! Get out of your cubicles and come with us!
Sisko: I say that we should convince my scientist wife to join us!
Mirror Bashir: I vote for killing her before she finishes the sensor array!
(Sisko slugs Bashir)
Sisko: I'll take that into consideration, Mr. Bashir... when this becomes a democracy.
Mirror Rom: I'm here to betray Captain Sisko's plans... if the price is right.
Mirror Garak: (whispering to Kira) Notice how unprincipled and greedy this Ferengi is?
Mirror Kira: (whispering back) Yes. It's got to be a trap. Let's hear him out, then kill him.
Mirror Garak: (nodding) Shall I put another notch in your belt on my way out?
Mirror Kira: It's over there somewhere with the rest of my clothes.
Guards: Here are the two Terrans we captured.
Mirror Kira: Send O'Brien to work in the ore processors.
Mirror Garak: Gladly. And what are you planning to do to Sisko now that you have your hands on him?
(Sisko grabs Kira and kisses her)
Mirror Kira: Rowr.
Mirror Garak: On second thought, spare me the details.
Sisko: Thanks for coming to see me.
Mirror Jennifer: I wanted to give you a piece of my mind -- you oversexed, insensitive, self-absorbed, egotistical....
Sisko: Shhh! Not so loud! The Intendant will think you're talking about her!
Sisko: Why are you working for the Alliance?
Mirror Jennifer: Because it would be better for everyone if the Rebellion ended.
Sisko: Jennifer, join me! Together we can put an end to this destructive conflict! I will help you complete your sensor array, and then we can kill the Intendant and rule the galaxy as husband and wife!
Mirror Jennifer: Do you promise to start picking up after yourself around the house?
Mirror O'Brien: (rallying the slaves) Anyone who wants their freedom, follow me!
Mirror Yang: Free-dohm? That is one of our worship-words.
Mirror O'Brien: Less talk, more uprising.
Mirror O'Brien: All station levels have been alerted to our escape attempt.
Sisko: And those troops shooting at us are blocking our only exit.
Mirror Jennifer: This is some rescue! You found a way in but you had no plan to get out?
Sisko: I have an idea. Down to the ore-processing room, everyone!
Mirror O'Brien: I suppose it beats jumping into a garbage chute.
Sisko: I've initiated the station's self-destruct sequence. If you want me to deactivate it, let us go.
Mirror Kira: I should have killed you when I had my hands on you!
Mirror Garak: Ha! That's what I said at the time, but did you listen? Nooooo, you were more interested in....
Mirror Kira: One more word from you, Garak, and I'm putting you in a dog collar!
Sisko: Now that you're safe on the Rebel base, I have to go far, far away to rescue a friend who's frozen in carbonite.
Mirror Jennifer: You don't fool me. I've figured out you're not my real husband.
Sisko: Darn. Where did I slip up?
Mirror Jennifer: He never went more than ten minutes without humming "I'm Just A Gigolo" to himself.
Sisko: How did he pick up such a conceited habit?
Mirror Jennifer: Kiss me and you'll see.
(Sisko kisses Jennifer)
Mirror Jennifer: Rowr.
(Sisko leaves for home at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.