The Dogs of WarBy Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:24 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Dogs of War' Episode Guide
Bashir: Hi, Ezri.
Ezri: Umm, hi. How are you?
Bashir: So Odo's fine -- almost his own self. I'll probably release him later....
Ezri: That's nice.
Ezri: And I thought this would be awkward.
O'Brien: Woo hoo, our new ship's here!
Sisko: Is it me or does that look like the Defiant?
Ezri: Sweet Zombie Jesus! She's risen from the dead!
Sisko: I think I can make out "Delta Flyer" on the side.
Admiral Ross: It's a new ship -- NEW ship, dammit! But we're letting you change the name to Defiant. Oh, and the fact that the registration number is the same and that it's a Defiant-class ship is merely a coincidence.
Sisko: Enough! Let me get acquainted. Hello, ship!
Defiant: Hi, hon! Just do me a favour and don't get me destroyed again!
Kira: Hmm, coming back to the focal point of the Dominion in one tiny ship and trusting someone you haven't seen for ages seems a tad risky, to say the least.
Damar: Never! I am Damar! Everyone loves Damar! Let's beam down.
Damar: Oh heck -- my allies are dead!
Seskal: (over the comm.) Er, Damar -- this ship go boom. GAK!
Garak: Man, we could freak out about now.
Mila: My, how the mighty have fallen.
Damar: Quiet, you.
Mila: Er, I believe I'm giving you shelter and a hiding place.
Damar: Fine -- I'm sorry, your highness.
Mila: I don't usually go with sarcasm, but what the heck -- tee-hee!
Bashir: Well, you're fine, absolutely okay; nothing immoral went on -- no sir-ee!
Odo: Good --
Bashir: Well, I might as well tell you that Section 31 planted the disease in you to wipe out your people.
Odo: The Federation tried to kill us?
Bashir: No! Well, yes.
Sisko: Well the Federation was going to give you the cure, then, um, didn't.
Odo: So the Federation is allowing genocide?
Sisko: No! Well, yes.
Odo: Oo, I am so cross!
Leeta: Quark, we only want you to have 10% of our tips. Oh, and then we want a new shuttlecraft, a conservatory on the side of our quarters, a tummy tuck...
Ferengi Waiter: The Nagus is on line one for you!
Leeta: Oh my -- he said "umm!" That's the nicest he's been to me for years!
Zek: (over the comm) Hello, (interference), I'm making you the new Nagus.
Quark: Wow! You want me, (interference) to be the new Nagus?
Zek: Of course! Why would I want (interference) to be the new Nagus?
Quark: Woo hoo!
Ezri: Ow! You bumped into me!
Bashir: Hahaha, ha, haha, ha....
Ezri: Oh, why does this have to be so awkward? The E/Bers have been circling like vultures for months!
Bashir: I know! I want more out of our relationship!
Ezri: Me too!
Ezri: Well, let's not do anything about it -- it'd be stupid if we did!
Bashir: Yeah, totally agree, 100%! Phew!
Quark: Naaaaaagus! I'm gonna be the new Naaaaaagus!
Quark: Who are you?
(Takes off ears, puts on mask)
Quark: Crap! I liked you more before.
Brunt: No wait -- let me worship you and kiss your feet!
Quark: Hmm... now this could be advantageous.
Weyoun: (over the comm) We wiped out the resistance and killed Damar. Ahem. Yes.
Kira: Well, at least they're not after us anymore.
Damar: You realise that we're the last three survivors of the resistance?
Kira: Oh crumbs.
Quark: Sixty bricks of gold-pressed latinum and you can scrub my toes forever... I mean, be my financial advisor.
Brunt: Okay! Now to confirm, thumbprint here, sign here and here, then initial here, here and here...
Quark: Hmm, something odd is afoot.
Brunt: It's all for taxes -- oh by the way, we have quite a nice welfare state going now on Ferenginar. Everyone benefits.
Quark: NOOO! How terrible!
Mila: You should hear what they're saying about you outside.
Damar: What? That we're heroes for fighting the Dominion?
Kira: That we're really clever?
Garak: That we're really fantastic for being so daring?
Mila: No, they all hate you. Wait, that all sounds wrong...
Kira: Oo, let's abuse our power -- we can start a Damar cult!
Garak: Or a revolution.
Brunt: Let me introduce the new Cardassian leader, Legate Broca!
Female Shapeshifter: Two things. One, why did it take so long to get a new Cardassian leader? Two, who are you?
Brunt: Oh for cryin' out loud!
(Pulls mask off, puts ears on)
Broca: So, um, I'm gonna worship the Dominion every day because I love it so much, and --
Female Shapeshifter: I hate you already.
Weyoun: I agree -- he'll be executed within an episode.
Female Shapeshifter: Quiet, you! Now, let's talk strategy -- our new offensive involves retreating back to Cardassia.
Broca: But what if we get attacked?
Female Shapeshifter: Enough! I'm tired of your negativity.
Quark: I hate the new Ferenginar...
Rom: Whatcha doin' with the bar?
Quark: ...like, really hate it...
Rom: Whatcha doin' with the bar?
Quark: ...really, really, really, really...
Rom: For God's sake let me buy the bar from you! Mind if I buy it cheaply?
Quark: Nah, go ahead. Oops -- I'm going soft. Just like Ferenginar! Things need to be changed before it's too late -- the line has to be drawn here -- this far, no further!
Rom: Jean-Luc, blow up the damn ship!
Quark: NO! NOOOOO!
Rom: Okay, that was weird.
Quark: Yeah. Though at least I didn't channel Buffy or something.
Xander: Hi Principal Synder!
Damar: Fellows, you appear to be holding up my friend that has just planted a bomb and wishes to escape.
Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Oh. Sorry.
Damar: People of Cardassia -- worship me, and thou shalt be delivered to the Promised Land!
Kira: (sigh) I suppose it'll do....
Ezri: Hi. Nice to be not awkward, isn't it?
Bashir: Yep! Though if it was awkward, do you know what we could do to alleviate the tension?
O'Brien: Hey, look -- they're smooching!
Worf: I'll send the elevator back down.
O'Brien: Your console does that?
Worf: Chief, I've been on Deep Space Nine for the best part of four years now, but my role has never properly been defined. Believe it or not, that is all my console ever did.
Quark: I've had enough -- I won't be Grand Nagus unless I can do my own thing!
Zek: You big doofus -- Rom's the Nagus!
Quark: Fine! You can have your kind, beneficial, wimpy Ferenginar!
Rom: Fine! You can have your uptight, unfair, and sleazy bar back!
Quark: Fine! I love you!
Rom: Fine! I love you too!
Admiral Ross: The Dominion has withdrawn back to Cardassia.
Sisko: Cool -- fancy one last large, over-budget, CGI battle?
Token Romulan: Okay.
Admiral Ross: Okay.
Sisko: Hmm... you'd have thought that a conversation holding this much importance would have lasted longer.
Sisko: Eek! It's you! Er, I mean, why are you still up? It's been a very long fiver.
Kasidy: I'm pregnant!
Sisko: Oo! Do you think this is what the Prophets meant by sorrow?
Kasidy: Oh no! Something's gonna happen to our baby!
Sisko: Nah -- you watch, it'll be me. Now, you bet the kid's college fund on me falling to my death, then tune in for next week's exciting conclusion to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!
(The adrenaline flows at Ludicrous Speed)
Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.