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The Collaborator

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:03 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Collaborator' Episode Guide

Bareil: Hey, it's Prylor Bek. What's he doing in that noose?
Kira: Looks like he's just hanging around.
Bareil: I want an orb experience and all I get are bad jokes?
Kira: Just be glad we don't have you measuring the place.

Winn: Now remember, kids, if you watch TV, you'll go straight to hell.
Bareil: Then how will they be able to see your televised broadcasts?
Winn: Well those are okay, but the rest of TV is of the devil.

Eblan: Hey! I know you!
Kubus: You walked with me once upon a dream?
Eblan: No, I balked at you once and made a scene.
Odo: I think I'll arrest Kubus before this becomes a musical.

Opaka: Don't become the Kai. I'd say that more cryptically, but why?
Bareil: Won't the Prophets be better off if I'm Kai?
Winn: Yes, but they're masochists. Speaking of which, here, take this snake.
Bareil: Woohoo! And here I thought our religion didn't approve of snake handling!

Kubus: So what if I was a collaborator? I just wanna go home.
Kira: That right was taken from you in the First Amendment. We call it the Bill of No Rights.
Kubus: Crap. What rights do I have?
Kira: Only the right to get sanctuary granted by a Vedek.
Kubus: Hmmmm....

Winn: Why do people think we're enemies?
Sisko: Hm. Let's think. Maybe it's because you said that joining up with the Federation made buildings spontaneously combust.
Winn: I didn't mean it like that. I was talking about what would happen to our spiritual buildings if we joined up with the spiritual Federation.
Sisko: That still doesn't make sense.
Winn: Um, sure it does.

Odo: Kubus got Winn to grant him sanctuary.
Kira: (over the comm) WHAT? How did he get that idea?
Odo: (rolling his eyes) I have no idea.

Kira: Why are you associating with that tax collector?
Winn: It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
Kira: Hey! Leave Bashir out of this!

Winn: All right, here's the deal. Kubus is going to reveal that Bareil is a collaborator.
Kira: And that's supposed to make me side with you?
Winn: Um,... yes.
Kira: Okay.

Kubus: I once saw Bek and Bareil talking to each other.
Kira: That's not evidence. You're just a wee little man making something up so you can have sanctuary, aren't you?
Kubus: Pretty much.
Winn: Well, I believe him. Go investigate, Kira.

Kira: What did you and Bek talk about?
Bareil: He just asked me for a length of rope the day before he hanged himself.
Kira: And did you bring it to him with a loop on one end?
Bareil: Nope.
Kira: Well, no noose is good news.

Odo: We need to hack into their systems.
Kira: Excuse me while I obsess about Bareil.
Odo: You could obsess about me.
Kira: What was that?
Odo: I said "We should press the Ferengi...." Into hacking into the system, that is.
Kira: Um, okay.

Odo: This is where Bek hanged himself.
Kira: Why would a Bajoran religious leader hang himself on this station?
Odo: Evil must be opposed.

O'Brien: All the files have been erased.
Kira: Who deleted them?
O'Brien: Unfortunately, the deletion logs have also been erased.
Kira: What about the deletion logs for the deletion logs?
O'Brien: Oh, that was done by Bareil.

Opaka: Help me, Obi-- er, Bareil. You're my only hope.

Kira: So why'd you do it?
Bareil: Because I'm taking the fall for someone else.
Kira: A likely story.

Kira: Okay, now I'm supposed to say, 'I talked to Bareil and...' Then you say --
Winn: And what?
Kira: And you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Winn: Woohoo!

Kai Winn: Greetings, I am ... KAI WINN. Mwahahahahahaha!
Kira: Kai?
Kai Winn: Read it and weep.

Kira: Ha! I figured it out. It wasn't you. It never was. It was your assistant.
Bareil: No, it was Kai Opaka.
Kira: Crap! That was going to be my second guess.
(Kai Opaka's son rolls over in his grave at Ludicrous Speed.)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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