The Changing Face of EvilBy Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:23 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Changing Face of Evil' Episode Guide
Worf: Thank God we're home.
Ezri: Yes -- now let us never speak of what happened again.
O'Brien: But... three whole episodes... what the heck did happen? I need to find out!
Sisko: Chief, that's what fivers are for. (Shuts off computer) So what's with the new Dominion/Breen alliance?
Worf: The Dominion and the Breen signed an alliance. Damar is a raving alcoholic --
Ezri: And Worf and I did nothing. Yes, nothing. NOTHING!
Sisko: Boring! What we need is some kind of revelation.
Kira: (over the comm) Kira to Sisko: the Breen have attacked Earth.
Sisko: Perfect... I mean, NOOOOO!
Martok: So this practically unknown enemy got all the way to Earth and attacked? Man alive, even the Borg didn't manage to do that -- that is so weak!
Sisko: What about the Xindi?
Martok: The who?
Weyoun: We are so cool and powerful, I am the best and I love me, lalala.
Damar: You know not all the ships made it back.
Weyoun: Oh shut up, most negative man in existence! You should take some of my advice and love me!
Sisko: You burned my peppers!
Kasidy: With all the things that are going on, you're worried about the peppers?
Sisko: But my peppers. (sniff)
Kasidy: Oh, shut up you wuss, I'm off on a cargo run soon.
Sisko: No! Not with the war on --
Kasidy: ARE YOU TRYING TO DENY ME MY NEEDS?
Sisko: My peppers. (sniff)
Kasidy: Much better.
Rusot: All this sneaking around is so un-contemporary-Cardassian-like.
Damar: I know -- great, isn't it?
Rusot: You know, when we joined the Dominion I thought we would rule the galaxy. Instead, we are better off now than when we were at war with the Klingons, and I for one am disappointed!
Damar: Yeah, me too! Hang on....
Rusot: Rebel now. Question later.
Solbor: Your appearance before the Vedek assembly?
Kai Winn: Cancel it.
Solbor: Your appearance at the Star Trek Experience?
Kai Winn: Cancel it -- cancel everything, you baboon-like man!
Solbor: Cancelling an appearance before Trekkies? Do you want to die before the season ends?
Kai Winn: Right! You are on my list!
Dukat: So, do you think I've moved in on your territory enough, dummy-face?
Kai Winn: Well, I know I don't like wearing my weird religious garb anymore, but do you have to?
Dukat: Oh, shut up and read the Kosst Amojan.
Kai Winn: But it is forbidden!
Dukat: The first 100 readers get a free "I Am Evil" t-shirt.
Kai Winn: Sold!
Damar: Tum-ti-tum, not looking at secret Breen information, lalala....
Weyoun: My, you're up early -- what are you doing?
Damar: Looking at secret information on the Breen. Oops.
Weyoun: Well, they are interesting. They don't really need refrigeration suits because their homeworld has quite a pleasant atmosphere.
Damar: But wouldn't "refrigeration" suggest that they need to keep cool?
Weyoun: I see you have your confidence back -- I smell a rebellion.
Damar: And, er, I smell that you need a new nose. Yeah.
Weyoun: Aha! You're drunk -- all is well.
Damar: Yeah, hehe. Hey!
Solbor: They say that, "he who studies evil, is studied by evil."
Dukat: They say that, "in space, no one can hear you scream."
Solbor: They say that, "revenge is a dish that is best served cold."
Dukat: They say that, "resistance is futile!"
Kai Winn: Cut that out!
Solbor: They say that, "meh."
Kasidy: Hey, why did you get me a month off work?
Sisko: I'm just worried for you. In fact --
Kasidy: Serves you right!
Sisko: I have flowers for you, you have your ship back, I'm sorry, and I love you.
Kasidy: Good boy -- here's a treat!
Admiral Ross: Ben, we need you to battle for Chin'Toka.
Sisko: Okay! Ruff!
Kasidy: Oops, guess that training thing backfired.
Nog: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) This is bad.
Kira: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) Don't worry.
Worf: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) We'll be okay.
O'Brien: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) Julian lost my toy.
Bashir: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) It's not a toy!
Worf: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) You like a toy-lover.
Ezri: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) You liked me though.
Worf: (TechnobabbleTechnobabbleTechnobabble.) You win.
Sisko: So why all the technobabble?
O'Brien: C'mon -- we have to look professional while we quibble!
Solbor: I hate you!
Dukat: And I hate you. Well, that was anti-climatic.
Solbor: That's what you think.
Dukat: And that's what you think.
Rusot: The Federation is likely to withdraw from Chin'Toka.
Damar: Why do I always pick the losing team?
Sisko: And now it's time for a kick-ass action sequence! Engage the fleet! What the --?
O'Brien: Oh crud -- they're destroying us.
Sisko: Don't worry, some dopey Star Trek deus ex machina will save us.
(Consoles explode all around.)
Sisko: Oh heck. Abandon ship!
Defiant: No! Don't leave me, I wanna come! GAK!
Weyoun: Nah nah, nah nah, nah!
Female Shapeshifter: We rock!
Solbor: He's Gul Dukat!
Dukat: Well duh, look at my name -- it's always said so. It's not like I ever lied... properly.
Solbor: Let's get rid of him! GAK!
Kai Winn: Oh dearie me, looks like his contract expired. Just like that. Ahem.
Dukat: Well, aren't you scared of me?
Kai Winn: Well yes, but look -- the blank book says things now. Let us gather around the fireplace with a cup of cocoa. "Chapter One -- How To Advance in Politics With Fire."
Admiral Ross: Well, the Dominion are really powerful now. We could do with something to stall.
Damar: (over the comm.) Well, the Cardassians were silly when we joined the Dominion, therefore we shall continue our stupidity by mobilising a small rebellion, and then we'll fight the Dominion from the inside. Hooray for Cardassia!
Sisko: Well that was convenient. Perhaps he's drunk again.
Damar: Hey! I have feelings! (aside) These jibes are so hurtful; I will do something about it someday. (necks a bottle of yamok sauce)
(Gulping occurs at Ludicrous Speed)
Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.