Tears of the Prophets

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:19 PM GMT

See Also: 'Tears of the Prophets' Episode Guide

Jake: Benjamin L. Sisko, it is the judgment of this council that you be stripped of your Christopher Pike Medal of Valour.
Sisko: But I don't have a Christopher Pike Medal of Valour.
Jake: Oh, then I guess it's an awarding of it.
Sisko: Woo hoo! Captain Pike at last!
Ross: Guess what? You get to invade Cardassian space!
Sisko: This scene seems familiar. You're not a Changeling, are you?
Ross: No, no, of course not.

Jadzia: Worf and I are hoping to hear the pitter-patter of little feet in our quarters soon.
Bashir: You're adopting a pet targ, I hope?
Jadzia: No, silly. We want to have a baby.
Quark: Babies, what are they good for?
Bashir: Absolutely nothing.

O'Brien: The Chin'toka system is practically deserted. I wonder why the Dominion would do that.
Sisko: Maybe they're going to build a hotel there.
O'Brien: Why? They already have four houses.
Sisko: We can't let this slide, we need to attack now.

Weyoun: What are you doing here, Dukat?
Dukat: I have seen the light.
Weyoun: Yes, that's the interrogation lamp.
Dukat: Anyway, I was in this garden and this serpent came and offered me an apple.
Weyoun: Ah, that explains the apple bits around your mouth.
Dukat: Yeah, and then the serpent said that we could reclaim the wormhole with an action figure.
Weyoun and Damar: Sweet!

Letant: Romulans rule; Klingons drool.
Martok: Hey! Klingons rule and drool!
Sisko: If you two don't start getting along, I'm going to make you watch American History X.
Letant and Martok: We'll behave.
Sisko: Shucks. I liked that movie.

Bashir: Dax doesn't love me.
Quark: Or me.
Vic: You guys are pathetic. You do realize it's the fanboys who are supposed to be obsessing over her and not you, right?
Bashir: Why can't I be the one to hook up with Dax?
Vic: Ha! Over her dead body.

Sisko: The Romulans have joined us in our attack on the Cardassians.
Jake: Sweet! This will go great with my story, "Nostradamus Predicts Romulans Entering Dominion War."
Sisko: Is it just me, or is your journalism a little yellower than usual?
Jake: Hey, you furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war.
Sisko: Just shut up and eat your food.

Prophet Worf: Don't let Dax die.
Prophet Martok: Don't go to Cardassia.
Prophet Ross: Don't let Dukat here.
Sisko: Buh?
Prophet Letant: Don't chew with your mouth open.

Ross: Apparently the reason why the Chin'toka system doesn't have any ships is because they've employed a Star Wars defense system.
Letant: I think we can take out their Star Destroyers, but they better not have a Death Star.
Martok: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Dominion. At last we will have revenge.

Sisko: The Prophets told me not to go.
Ross: The same Prophets who told you to sacrifice Jake on a mountaintop?
Sisko: Yeah, but they told me to sacrifice a ram at the last second!
Ross: Come on, Ben. We're going to settle the Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate once and for all.
Sisko: All right, but if things go badly throw me to a whale.

Dukat: Check out what I have!
Weyoun: A statue?
Dukat: A graven image! I finally got around to watching all the episodes I wasn't in and realized that I should be taking on the Prophets if I want to secure my place as the main nemesis of this series.
Damar: You're possessed.
Dukat: Not yet, but I'm about to be.

O'Brien: Bye, Dax. Make sure Keiko doesn't get possessed by a Pah-wraith again.
Jadzia: No problem.
Worf: Try to stay alive.
Jadzia: Problem.

Weyoun: Are we ready?
Damar: Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of the enemy fleet?
Weyoun: (rolling eyes) No, I was referring to dinner. Of course I meant the enemy fleet, moron.
Damar: Oh, I'm afraid the defense platforms will be quite operational when they arrive.

Martok: (over the comm) Fighters coming in.
Jem'Hadar: Attack!
O'Brien: I can't get a reading on their Star Wars defenses.
Sisko: That's impossible. How could you not get a reading if they don't know we're coming?
Orbital Platforms: Attack!
Sisko: Oh. It's a trap. That explains things.

Bashir: Guess what? You and Worf can have a baby.
Jadzia: Kira prayed that we'd be able to; maybe there is something to the Prophets' supernatural abilities.
Bashir: Maybe you should make a sacrifice as a way of saying thanks.
Jadzia: Heck, I'm so happy I'd sacrifice myself.
Bashir: Wouldn't doing that defeat the point?
Jadzia: Shh. I don't know that.

Jadzia: Dear Prophets, Thanks for making me able to have a baby. I'll consider naming him Samuel, but don't expect me to give him back to you. --
Dukat: Mwahahahaha!
Jadzia: GAK!
Orb: GAK!
Wormhole: GAK!

Sisko: There has been a great disturbance in the Force.
Kira: Why don't you go to your quarters and let me take command?
Sisko: Sure, whatever.
Kira: Yes! Power, power, power! Mwahahaha!

Dukat: Whoops. Didn't mean to kill you, Dax. You were the sex symbol for the series. Hopefully you can get a good replacement.

Nog: The orbital platforms seem to be powered by that moon.
Worf: That's no moon. It's a power station.
O'Brien: Our entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole moon, but we could tell the platforms to.
Kira: Hey, platforms, target that explosion and fire!
Moon: BOOM!

Weyoun: So let me get this straight, even though we lost both the Chin'toka system and the wormhole, you still have the gall to say "I win"?
Dukat: Actually, I said "Kai Winn." I wonder if she'd find a guy like me attractive?
Damar: Maybe if you looked like a Bajoran....

Bashir: I was able to save the symbiont, so look for a replacement Dax next season.
Sisko: Too... much... Kyptonite....
Bashir: Is he okay?
Kira: You do realize you're talking about Sisko, right?

Sisko: You shouldn't have died. I need a science officer.
Dax's Ghost: When was the last time I did anything sciency for you anyway?
Sisko: Shut up, you're not in this.
Tasha's Ghost: Mind if I join her?
Sisko: You're definitely not in this. Now as I was saying, of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, yours is the most (sob) human.

Sisko: Bye bye, everyone.
Bashir: Please come back soon, sir.
Kira: Yes! I'm in command. Power, power, power, power! Mwahahahaha!
Bashir: Very, very soon.
Sisko: Um, sure I will. Let me just take my baseball with me.
Everyone: Crap.
(Sisko returns to Earth to scrub clam shells at Ludicrous Speed.)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.