By Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:17 PM GMT

See Also: 'Resurrection' Episode Guide

Jadzia: You know what your problem is? You're too picky about men.
Kira: For the last time, I'm not bringing Morn to dinner.
Jadzia: I thought you liked the strong, silent type.
Kira: Just forget it -- I'll come by myself.
Jadzia: Think about the long and happy relationship you could be missing. Just look at me and Worf.

O'Brien: Captain, incoming transport from an unknown sender.
Sisko: Dammit, Chief, you said you had updated our spam blocker.
Mirror Bareil: Everybody freeze or the redhead gets it!
O'Brien: Want me to update our anti-terrorist software while I'm at it?

Sisko: All right, what do you want?
Mirror Bareil: Two jumja sticks, a kava roll, and a double raktajino to go.
Sisko: Excellent choice. I'll have Quark send it right up.
Mirror Bareil: Oh, and I'd also like a fast ship and a way out of here.
Sisko: I'm not sure Quark can do that....
Quark: (over the comm) Forty bars of latinum.

Mirror Bareil: Your uniform is interesting. I've never seen one that's not made of tight shiny leather before.
Kira: Let me guess -- you're from the Mirror Universe?
Mirror Bareil: I am? Woo hoo, I made it!
Kira: What are you doing here?
Mirror Bareil: I've decided to leave my life of thievery behind and turn over a new leaf. Now go into the docking hatch before I shoot you.
Kira: Real touching. Did I mention your disruptor doesn't work?
Mirror Bareil: Crap.

Mirror Bareil: Wow, you call this a holding cell? This is the cleanest room I've ever seen. Where's the punishment? Where's the torture?
Quark: Here's your dinner -- leola root stew.
Mirror Bareil: Never mind.
Kira: We found this device on you. Mind telling me what it is?
Mirror Bareil: An interdimensional transporter. And for God's sake destroy it -- nobody should ever go back to that place.
Grand Nagus Zek: (over the comm) But --
Mirror Bareil: I said nobody!

Sisko: So you don't want to press charges at all? Not even for gratuitous reappearance of a guest character?
Kira: Nope. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. The disruptor pointed at my head was probably just an accident.
Sisko: For forty-seven floors?
Kira: Yeah, kind of like Jennifer "accidentally" working for the Alliance.
Sisko: Tell him I said "Welcome to Deep Space Nine."

Mirror Bareil: I see my good looks have carried over to this universe -- people can't seem to stop staring at me.
Kira: Actually, it's because your deceased counterpart used to be a revered priest and --
Mirror Bareil: What a boring loser.
Kira: -- my boyfriend.
Mirror Bareil: Say, is that a temple over there? I've always wanted to attend a service.

Jadzia: It's so nice you could join us for dinner, Bareil.
Kira: And what amazing stories you have!
Mirror Bareil: Thank you.
Worf: Bah! I do not believe you could have stolen a mek'leth from a Klingon
Mirror Bareil: Here, allow me to cut that cake. I happen to have a mek'leth on me.
Kira: Hey Worf, isn't that yours?
Worf: Worf to security -- report to my quarters at once, and prepare a holding cell.
Jadzia: Worf! It's not polite to arrest our dinner guests.

Kira: So, do you have a girlfriend back in the mirror universe?
Mirror Bareil: She was tragically killed by a Cardassian.
Kira: Oh, how sad. What was she like?
Mirror Bareil: A lot like you, surprisingly. Look, I can go on with these sob stories all night, so why don't we just jump right to the part where you give in to your attraction to your dead lover and sleep with me?

Bashir: Is Kira around? I thought I'd deliver this excu-- I mean, important report to her in person.
Jadzia: No, but you can wait and gossip with us until she gets here.
Worf: Klingons do not gossip. However, we do exchange intelligence information, and I believe I heard strange noises coming from --
Jadzia: (pokes Worf) Good morning, Kira. (wink, wink)
Bashir: Did you sleep well? (wink, wink)
Kira: Fine, I'll put you all out of your misery: yes, I slept with Bareil.
Worf: Ha! I knew it!
Kira: Yeesh. You'd think you'd all have more important things to discuss than my love life in the middle of the war with the Dominion.
Worf: Why, are they seeing someone new?

Kira: So, how did you find your first Orb experience?
Mirror Bareil: I'm very confused.
Kira: That's pretty much the idea.
Mirror Bareil: That doesn't seem very logical.
Kira: We're Bajoran, not Vulcan. Get used to it.

Mirror Kira: How goes our devious plan?
Mirror Bareil: Wonderfully, my liege.
Mirror Kira: Mwahahahahahahaha... hey, why aren't you joining in on my maniacal laughter?
Mirror Bareil: Um... I'm far too distracted by your leather catsuit?
Mirror Kira: Fair enough.

Man: Oo, look, it's Bareil.
Woman: Let's stare at him reverently.
Mirror Bareil: Take a picture, it'll last longer.
(click click click)
Mirror Bareil: BUGGER OFF!
Quark: Had any good scams lately? Because I've just thought up this great idea where --
Mirror Bareil: No, thanks. I'm reformed now.
Quark: Is that lipstick on your cheek? I don't recall the Major ever wearing flaming red....
Mirror Bareil: Shoot, look at the time. (runs away)

Quark: Have you noticed your new boyfriend is hanging around the temple?
Kira: Aw, how pious of him.
Quark: With a crowbar?
Kira: Maybe it's some sort of religious icon.
Quark: And a book that says "How to Steal an Orb in Ten Easy Steps"?

Mirror Kira: So, do you like my new uniform?
Mirror Bareil: Meh. It's missing something....
Mirror Kira: Skin-tight leather?
Mirror Bareil: That's it.

Mirror Kira: I need to use the cargo bay transporter.
Guard: Of course, Major. I'll need you to give me your access code.
Mirror Kira: How about you give me a massage, then I'll give you the access code and a concussion.
Guard: Me? Give you a massage? Oh wow, you've got yourself a deal.

Mirror Bareil: Stealing, stealing, lalalalala....
Kira: Put the Orb down, Bareil.
Mirror Bareil: Blast! How did you know?
Kira: I found your shirt that said "I went to the Mirror Universe and all I stole was this lousy Orb."

Mirror Kira: Well, well... if it isn't my counterpart, who slept with my lover, who is identical to your dead lover.
Mirror Bareil: Yep, it's awkward all right.
Mirror Kira: The word I would use is "delicious." Rowr.
Kira: You have two choices, Bareil: you can stay here with me, or take the Orb.
Mirror Bareil: Those choices both suck. I'll go with neither.
(Bareil zaps Mirror Kira and returns to the Mirror Universe without the Orb)
Kira: Nuts. I wonder what Morn's doing tonight?
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.