Life Support

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:06 PM GMT

See Also: 'Life Support' Episode Guide

Leanne: Hey, Jake. Wanna go out with me?
Jake: Shouldn't I be asking you that question?
Leanne: Geez. Get with the 24th century.

Shuttle: BOOM!
Kira: Crap.
Winn: I'm alive!
Kira: Crap.
Bareil: I'm dying!
Kira: CRAP!

Winn: Was it sabotage?
Sisko: A sabotaged shuttle? That would never happen on Deep Space Nine!
Winn: I'm planning on having talks with the Cardassians too.
Sisko: What a novel concept!
Winn: You can stop rolling your eyes, Emissary.

Bashir: Begin autopsy on Bareil.
Bareil: I'm not dead yet.
Bashir: Oh yeah? Well if you're not dead, then why am I doing an autopsy on you? Answer that, Mr. Smartypants!

Winn: Thank you for saving Bareil's life, Dr. Frankenstein.
Bashir: It's Bashir actually.
Winn: I think we should reschedule the talks here so I can squeeze every last ounce of life out of Bareil.
Bashir: Well, I'll allow it, but only because it's the wrong thing to do.

Nog: So, are you ready to watch the "Saved by the Bell" marathon?
Jake: Actually, I have a date with Leanne.
Nog: Well, invite her along!
Jake: I don't know if she'll like it.
Nog: Hm. Then I guess we'll have to double date.

Bashir: You're not as healthy as you look.
Bareil: Well, give me one of those magic Federation drugs to make me better.
Bashir: The only kind I have access to is the kind that will kill you.
Bareil: Bring it on.
Bashir: Well, I'll allow it, but only because it's the wrong thing to do.

Station Log: The Cardassian Legate came, but he doesn't really figure into this story much.

Jake: So Leanne, hear any good gossip lately?
Nog: Enough about her, let's talk about me and my natural way with women.
Riska: I'm sorry to interrupt, but does this have anything to do with the A-plot?
Nog: (glaring) My natural way with women being, it's either my way or the highway.

Bashir: Bareil's internal organs are starting to fail. But never fear, we can rebuild him with a simple six million dollar operation involving leeches.
Bareil: I wonder how many times I'll have to pass the collection plate to get that much.
Bashir: Most likely for the rest of your life with the interest rate I'm charging.
Bareil: Suck me dry, why don't you.
Bashir: Nah, I'll leave that to the leeches.

Bashir: I need you to tell Bareil that if he doesn't go into stasis a pack of ravenous wolves will eat him.
Winn: That would be lying.
Bashir: Yes, I know. I'm with Starfleet. We don't lie. That's why I'm asking you to.
Winn: I see. And if I refuse?
Bashir: Then a pack of ravenous wolves will eat you.

Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Something's wrong with Bareil's brain!
Bashir: His brain? What is it?
Nurse: It's the organ in his head that helps him think. But that's not important right now.

Winn: Can you replace the damaged part of his brain?
Bashir: Sure, I could make a bionic Bareil, but he'd be emotionless, stiff, and completely monotone.
Winn: Well, at least he won't be any different than he is now.

Kira: Bareil? Are you all right?
Bareil: All right? Ah! As in acceptable, adequate, good, satisfactory....
Kira: You know, maybe that positronic brain implant wasn't such a good idea.

Station Log: The Bajorans and Cardassians have signed a peace treaty. Yeah, this is the first I've heard of it too.

Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Something's wrong with Bareil's brain!
Kira: Can you rebuild him?
Bashir: Are you kidding? Of course I can! Just as long as I don't have any distractions.
Odo: Hey, Doctor. Want to see me do the Cardassian Neck Trick?
Bareil: GAK!
Bashir: Whoops. That was a distraction.

Kira: Well, since you're dead and all I figured I'd keep your stuff. Okay?
(Bareil tries to say it's not okay at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.