By Nic Coreli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:06 PM GMT

See Also: 'Defiant' Episode Guide

O'Brien: Oh Major, could you hop down to Bajor? We're out of ketchup.
Jadzia: Oh Major, the wormhole is a bit sluggish. How about you put on a spacesuit and open it yourself?
Bashir: Oh Maaaajor, give me a runabout, boy's gotta fly.
Kira: One more word... and I'm sending the trilithium probe into the sun. I promise!

Kira: I can't believe I got relieved of duty. Since when are people not allowed to have hysterical psychotic outbursts anymore?
Riker: Hi there. What's a girl like you doing in a computer-generated gin joint like this?
Kira: Um... waiting for you...

Jadzia: So? I saw you talking to him. Any action so far?
Kira: Oh please. Two Star Trek first officers - it could never work.
Jadzia: Better the two of you than Spock and Chakotay.

Kira: Oh look! We bumped into each other. So it is the Will of the Prophets for you to seduce me. But I warn you, it'll take a lot of effort.
Riker: Here it goes... (ahem)... Is it just me or are you hot in here?
Kira: Huh? I was expecting something like "I dream of a galaxy where your eyes are the stars, and the universe worships the night."
Riker: Yeah, well... dream on.

Kira: This is the Defiant. Proof positive that size doesn't matter.
Riker: Yeah, right. Well would you look at that... it's Chief O'Brien! The big scumbag.
O'Brien: But, sir... why? I never knew you held a grudge against me.
Riker: I hate all transporters and transporter chiefs. For the sake of the plot, I cannot disclose why.

Kira: The bridge controls are locked, so no one could just waltz in here, hijack the ship and come to a verge of a major war.
Riker: You are so full of ideas. (fires phaser). Now, dear passengers, about the flight. Since it will last for 47 hours, we'll be showing the equally long The English Patient.

Sisko: Blah, blah... It's actually Tom Riker, not Will. Just read Five-Minute "Second Chances," okay? Oh, and he's straight on course for Cardassian territory.
Dukat: Um.... oh wait! I know what this is! That ancient Earth ritual, April Fools! Ha ha! Good one!
Sisko: Ookay, it's nice you're in a good mood today... it is very, very important you stay that way...

Sisko: The Defiant is an @$$-kicking warship. We'll never catch it. Damn, we really hoped it would boost the ratings.
Dukat: Well, bring some character or actor from TNG on the show. Like you did with, um, me... As for the Defiant, we'll catch it.
Sisko: Even if I help you at it, I don't think so, mister!
Dukat: Care to make it interesting?
Sisko: I'm in for 50.

Kira: If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to know why the hell did you
shoot me?
Riker: There is something important about me you should know. I am not Riker... I am Riker.
Kira: How useful. Are you sure you're not half Betazoid too?

Sisko: Oh wait! I forgot to tell you that the Defiant has a Romulan cloaking device. Now you'll never find it! Hee hee hee!
Dukat: I'm sure we'll find it. Don't be too proud of the technological terror you've constructed, Commander.

Kira: Oo, someone wants to be a hero... Oo, I'm holding up for the hero till the end of the night...
Riker: Nonsense. Utter nonsense, I say.
Kira: So what? Worse things have happened. For example, I had to relocate an old man from Bajor's moon once, and he really didn't want to go.
Riker: Why exactly was that worse?
Kira: Because it happened to me.

Korinas: Tell us everything... absolutely everything about Defiant's weapons and shields... And then all the other systems.
Sisko: Gee, I feel bad about giving you all that information. What if you Cardassians suddenly enter a powerful alliance and declare war on the Federation?
Dukat: I give you my honest word as a politician that such a thing will never happen.

Riker: Crewman, what's the status of the cloaking device? In Darmok language, please.
Crewman: Janeway, her bathtub bubbled.
Riker: Excellent. And the distance between us and the pursuing Cardassian ships?
Crewman: Janeway, her coffee cup empty.
Riker: God help us all.

Sisko: I take it you'll sentence Riker to death if you catch him.
Dukat: Actually, no. We'll make him watch Dawson's Creek every day. When he falls asleep during the episode, we sentence him to death.
Sisko: But maybe he'll stay awa--
Dukat: He won't.

Kira: So why did you hijack this ship in the first place? You mistook it for the Delta Flyer and wanted to join in the fun?
Riker: Actually, I don't know why I did it. I have no plausible reason.
Kira: And why did you take us right into the heart of Cardassian territory? About 50 of their warships are here.
Riker: Well how was I supposed to know that? In the Federation, you can't find a single starship guarding a star system anywhere!

Sisko: You seem depressed, Dukat. Why is that?
Dukat: It's my 11-year-old son. I promised I'd take him to Disneyland Cardassia today, and now I can't because I'm stuck here with you.
Sisko: You know what always works with Jake? Allowance. Lots of allowance.

Dukat: You Obsidian Order people really bug me. A big bunch of Tal Shiar wannabes. And whose ships are those? Why were you keeping them a secret?
Korinas: Well, if we didn't have any secrets, we wouldn't be much of a Secret Service, now would we?

Kira: Now look. There's only room for one Riker in this franchise. So surrender already!
Riker: But... I fired on the Cardassians. And violated their borders. They will... punish me!
Kira: Yes, they will, Sherlock. A brilliant deduction. But maybe they'll spare me. Come on, save the lady. Be an Officer and a Gentleman.

Sisko: So you found the Defiant. Granted, I helped you a lot, but you still won the bet. I'll arrange a delivery of 50 bars of latinum to you as soon as possible.
Dukat: Bars of latinum? Oh no. You owe me 50 tons of gold.
Sisko: But... but... the currency unit on DS9 is a bar of latinum...
Dukat: Well, the currency unit on Cardassia Prime is a ton of gold. Duh!
Sisko: D'oh!
(Sisko runs to the bank at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Nic Coreli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.