Civil Defense

Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:05 PM GMT

See Also: 'Civil Defense' Episode Guide

Jake: Chief, the computer won't delete this file. It says that it's still being used by a program that needs to be shut down.
O'Brien: Stand aside, amateur, I'll fix this.
Computer: Hey Bajoran scum, what are you doing and where are your Cardassian slave drivers?
O'Brien: Huh...
Computer: That's it, it's lockdown time.

Video of Dukat: Hey Bajoran scum, surrender or die.
Sisko: I know, let's think like the French. Computer, we surrender.
Video of Dukat: Meh, I think I'll gas you anyway.

Computer: Filthy Bajorans are all over the station and like I said, surrender or die.
Kira: Yeah, like anyone here would surrender.
Bashir: You never know, Major.

O'Brien: Thank God we escaped that gas filled chamber to get to this dead-end chamber.
Sisko: Yeah, thanks to me and my brilliant plan.
O'Brien: (under his breath) Idiot.
Sisko: What?
O'Brien: Nothing.

Kira: Screw this; I'm getting out of here.
Phaser: Zap!
Bashir: Well, that didn't work. You're worse than Sisko.
Dax: I'll save us, with technobabble.
Kira: Ah, that never works this early in the episode.

Odo: We're trapped in my office.
Quark: Is there an echo on the station?
Odo: I hadn't noticed, but do you know what this means?
Quark: The writers have added a third, completely unnecessary subplot.
Odo: Yep; and for that they'll pay.

Sisko: Let's blow the door with this ore.
O'Brien: I'd need tools for that.
Sisko: Here's a tool.
O'Brien: That not a tool. It's just a piece of metal.
Sisko: They look the same to me.
O'Brien: I stand by my previous statement.
Sisko: What statement?
O'Brien: Oh, nothing.

Dax: The technobabble is connected to the technobabble, the technobabble is connected to the techno--
Forcefield: Zap!
Dax: Owwwww... my hands.
Kira: See, just like I said.
Bashir: That's ironic -- a computer that hates technobabble.
Computer: You said it again. Just for that, I think I'll kill every filthy Bajoran on the station.
Bashir: Oops.

Garak: Let's destroy life support.
Bashir: Makes sense to me.
Life Support System: Gak!
Video of Dukat: For that I think I'll self destruct the station in two hours.
All: Crap!

Quark: I'm bored and I want out.
Odo: That makes three of us.
Quark: Three?
Odo: Yeah, you, me and the viewers. Now I think I'll use this time for flattery.
Quark: Now I really need to get out of here.

Garak: Well I can't do anything. The only person who can help is Gul Dukat.
Dax: The computer's a little slow. Maybe we can make it think you're Dukat.
Computer: Slow, eh? All right, you die now! Say hello to my little friend.
Little Friend: Zap! Zap! Zap!
Hapless Redshirt: Gak!
Bashir: I'll destroy it with that phaser over there.
Little Friend: Zap! Zap! Zap!
Bashir: Mommy!

Transporter: WHOOSH
Dukat: Hey there. Well, I got my distress call and came immediately. So, looks like you're all screwed.
Bashir: Aren't you going to help?
Dukat: Maybe, but first I'm going to have a cozy little chat with Major Kira.

Dukat: I noticed the colors on the station are too bright, but don't worry, I know how to fix it. I'll just send over some troops from my ship and--
Bashir: Well, that went well.
Dukat: Yes and I'm leaving now. But don't worry, I'll be back in half an hour with an interior decorator.
Dukat: What the...
Video of Dukat's Superior: You're all screwed now. Especially you, Dukat.

Dukat: Computer, cut it out.
Computer: Your inquiry was not recognized.
Dax: Isn't that a different computer?
Computer: Quiet you.

Ore: BOOM!
Sisko: Great. Now let's escape through the hole in the middle of the door.
O'Brien: Middle? But we packed the ore at the bottom of the door.
Sisko: Never question the divine will of the writers.
O'Brien: You just keep proving my point.

Sisko: (over the comm) We'll disengage the technobabble. You evacuate people to the Defiant.
O'Brien: Wait a minute. If we can get to the Defiant, then why don't we just use its transporters to beam us where we need to go?
Sisko: What did I just tell you about the will of the writers?

Sisko: Kira's idea sucks. Let's use the shields. (crawl, crawl, crawl)
O'Brien: (crawl, crawl, crawl) Owww...
Sisko: Eeny meany miney moe... ah, there we go.

Doors: Unslam.
Quark: Yes, we're free. Hey Odo, where are you going?
Odo: Off to hunt down and kill the writers.
(Odo hunts down the writers at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

XYC is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.