Body Parts

By Sa'ar Chasm
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:11 PM GMT

See Also: 'Body Parts' Episode Guide

Rom: How was your trip to Ferenginar?
Quark: Not bad. I saw Moogie, put a hotel on Boardwalk, and found out I'm dying.
Rom: Drag.
Quark: The only way to pay off my debts is to sell my body.
Rom: Wouldn't the Nausicaan Brothel complain about the competition?
Quark: Selling my dead body, you idiot.
Rom: Oo, can I have that bit there?
Quark: I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind!
Rom: Left lobe or right lobe?

Bashir: I need an emergency medical transport. Our runabout was sideswiped by a passing asteroid.
Sisko: Sideswiped by a passing asteroid? C'mon, Bashir, you can do better than that. You were drag-racing again, right?

O'Brien: What have you done with my baby?
Bashir: Stuck it in Kira.
O'Brien: That has too many meanings to even contemplate. So can we transfer the baby back to Keiko?
Bashir: Sure, no prob--
Worf: (over the comm) No! Absolutely not! I refuse to be anywhere near that woman if she's pregnant.
Bashir: No.

Rom: How's the bidding going?
Quark: High bid is a Canadian Loonie, two buttons and some pocket lint.
Rom: I wonder who the bidder could be.
Quark: Rom, your shirt is missing a couple of buttons.
Rom: No it isn't.

Kira: Are you sure you're all right with having another woman carry your child?
Keiko: Any labour I don't have to go through is a good one.
Worf: (over the comm) You can say that again.
Kira: Stop using the comm to eavesdrop or I'll make you my labour coach.
Worf: (whimper)

Bashir: Quark, I'm not your message boy. Tell your doctor to contact your directly next time you don't have Dorek Syndrome.
Quark: I'm gonna live? Woo hoo!
Brunt: I own you.
Quark: Bugger.

Quark: Pleeeeease don't make me die!
Brunt: Say the magic word.
Quark: Abracadabra?
Brunt: No.
Quark: Shabukalakazam?
Brunt: No.
Quark: Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches?
Brunt: No!
Quark: Klaatu verada nicto?
Brunt: Shut up.

Quark: Garak, I want you to kill me.
Garak: Excellent choice, if I may say so. I offer a wide range of terminatory options, all guaranteed to be of highest quality. If you aren't completely satisfied with the manner of your passing, I'll cheerfully refund your money.
Quark: But I'll be dead!
Garak: Details, details.

Keiko: We'd like you to move in with us.
Kira: Well...uhh...
Keiko: Just so we can be close to the baby.
Kira: Sure, why not?
Keiko: Great! This is your room, and this is where we keep the dustpan, and the carpet sweeper, and the broom. Make sure you get the little nook by the replicator.
O'Brien: Oh, and we'll expect dinner to be ready when I go off shift.
Kira: (profound sigh)

Holo-Quark: Gak!
Quark: No, no, NO! I can't die like that! The blood clashes with my suit.
Garak: That's easy to fix -- I'll make you a new suit.

Quark: I'm dead!
Gint: You're not dead. You're not even mostly dead.
Quark: Am I pining for the fjords?
Gint: Actually, this is just a dream. You need to break the contract with Brunt.
Quark: But the Rules of Acquisition....
Gint: Pfft! Rules, who cares for rules? Rules are for losers, and impediments to profit. The truly successful get that way by ignoring the rules. Look at Enron.
Quark: Well, since you put it that way....

Quark: Brunt, here's your money back. I'm breaking the contract, and now Garak won't have to ki-- damn! I knew there was something I forgot.
Garak: (looms out of the shadows) 'Sokay, so did the writers.
Quark: Gah! You scared me half to death!
Garak: Only half? I could do it again if you'd like.

Molly: I like your room, Aunt Nerys!
Kira: Um... thanks.
Molly: Can I eat cookies and pie in here?
Kira: I don't know....
Molly: And can I jump on the bed?
Kira: Shut up kid, you bother me.

Quark: Brunt took everything, even the shirt off my back. The one I'm wearing is a loaner from Bashir.
Rom: I wondered why it said "I went to Risa and all I got was dumped." But that doesn't happen until next season.
Quark: Shh! It was too good a joke to pass up.
Bashir: Quark, a friend of mine sent me some Zima, and when I thought of vile substances, your name sprang to mind.
Jadzia: Quark, do you have a use for a mis-matched set of novelty beer steins?
Sisko: Quark, we've just received a shipment of furniture from the planet I'keya, but they only sent one Allen key. to assemble it with. Can we store it in here for a while?
Quark: How touching. Remind me to count sappiness as an asset from now on.
(The audience gags at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Sa'ar Chasm is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.