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July 19 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

Shockwave II

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at October 2, 2002 - 5:20 AM GMT

See Also: 'Shockwave, Part II' Episode Guide

Archer: Last time on Enterprise....
Daniels: Who are you talking to?
Archer: Gimme a break, would you? Majel Barrett hasn't been invented yet.

Silik: All right, time's up. Prepare to die.
T'Pol: Wait! What if I let you come aboard to look for Archer?
Silik: Hmmmm....
T'Pol: We have apple crisp.
Silik: Warm it up.

Archer: So the future is eviscerated.
Daniels: Yeah-huh.
Archer: And yet, despite all the changes to the timeline, you're still wearing that ridiculous uniform.
Daniels: Will you get serious? I'm not wasting perfectly good despair time criticizing your looks.
Archer: Of course you aren't. I look great.

Angel: (singing karaoke) Need I saaaaay that my love's misspent... misspent with angel eyes toniiiiight....
Gunn: I can't believe this. I came here to get away from him doing Manilow.
Mayweather: I feel your pain and all, but can you tell me how to get out of here?
Gunn: Can't, kid. Ain't no way out of the Underused Characters' Tavern -- we've tried 'em all. You're just gonna have to get used to singin' those Lando Calrissian blues.
Pete Ross: Anyone for yahtzee?
Mayweather: Shoot me now.

Silik: I'm running out of patience. If I don't find Archer soon....
T'Pol: Oh, look! There he is!
Silik: That is yet another redshirt wearing an Archer mask! Do you really think you can fool me?
T'Pol: You're right. I shouldn't be trying to -- look, it's Archer!
Silik: That's a dog!
Porthos: Grrrrrrrrr....
T'Pol: I don't think the captain likes what you just called him, Silik.

Archer: Maybe we'll find what we need in that library.
Daniels: Odd... that used to be a candy store.
Archer: If what we need isn't candy, what is it?

Soval: This is an outrage!
Forrest: Thirty-seven.
Soval: I know how many times I've said it! Archer and his lackeys must be caught and hanged from the tallest tree on your planet! We will stack it on top of the second tallest beforehand.
Forrest: You wouldn't know logic if it stood right in front of you and yelled "Jehoshaphat," would you?
Soval: No, Admiral, I would not.

Silik: Where is he? Without the Evil Future Guy, there's no one to rip out my organs and boss me around!
Raan: Didn't he mention a date with some Andromeda woman?
Silik: Ah yes... the Mighty Evil God. Where was he taking her?
Raan: A ritual burning of Seven of Nine action figures... that or Taco Bell.
Silik: Well, get me his cell phone number! This is more important.

Daniels: I have a cunning plan to get you back to the past. All I need is --
Archer: Love?
Daniels: No.
Archer: A good defense?
Daniels: No.
Archer: Time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between?
Daniels: No! Can't you just go read a book or something?
Archer: Whether I can read is none of your business.

T'Pol: Time travel has concluded that the Vulcan Science Directorate is impossible. Hic.
Silik: I suppose drugging you was a strange way to try to obtain useful information.

Comm Voice: Frzzzzzzz frzzz frzzzzzzzzz frzzzzzz
Reed: Who's there? I can't hear through all the static.
Comm Voice: Frzzzzth efrzzzz fz frzz pecan pie frzzzz afrzz
Reed: Glad you've got the comm working, Trip.

Archer: Here's that copper you wanted. Shiny pennies to go with your shiny uniform.
Daniels: Oo, shiny. Next I need you to flatten them.
Archer: No problem. Which way to the train tracks?
Daniels: Sigh.
Archer: Oh, no technology. Right. I'll just go get a steamroller.
Daniels: Sigh.
Archer: Oh, right! Boy, the future sure is hard....

Mayweather: You've gotta let me out of here! I just spent an hour talking to Warren Keffer!
Bouncer: Sorry, pal, but I can't make exceptions. Just relax and get used to it.
Mayweather: You don't understand! I can't spend my life with these people! Rev Bem, Dr. Crusher, Hermes Conrad, the entire cast of Crusade... it's inhuman!
Bouncer: Look, you'd better sit back down before I have to call security.
Mayweather: You have security here?
Bouncer: Sort of. We have Zack Allan and a couple of stormtroopers.

T'Pol: A floating head! I hope this one's nicer than the last few.
Archer: T'Pol, listen carefully. Daniels has shown me how to peek into your quarters from the future.
T'Pol: Is this something he does often?
Archer: Don't worry, I've neck-pinched him on your behalf. Now what I need you to do is --
T'Pol: Bounce on a big illogical trampoline! Whee!
Archer: Silik put you on a little too much LDS, didn't he?

Tucker: Okay, we need somebody to get to Phlox through the tubes, which were designed by really skinny midgets.
Reed: Sounds like a job for Mr. Fantastic!
T'Pol: You're needed for punching-bag duty. Where is Mr. Mayweather? He can be compressed into remarkably small spaces.
Sato: I think he's still at that place I told him about. The one where you can... um... never leave.
T'Pol: Sigh. Very well, we need a volunteer.
Porthos: Ruff!
T'Pol: Thank you for volunteering Ensign Sato, Porthos.
Sato: What? NO! You sold me out, you lousy mutt!
Tucker: Shoulda fed him cheese like the rest of us.

Phlox: Why, it's an arm from the ceiling. The ship must have come to life.
Sato: Just give me that thing I'm supposed to pick up, okay?
Phlox: Anything for you, Enterprise.

Reed: WHOA! Where's your shirt?
Sato: Hit a snag. Stupid non-Jeffries tube.
Reed: It's like I've died and gone to PWP fanfic heaven!
Sato: Stop that, you're encouraging them.

T'Pol: Decoy decoy decoy decoy decoy....
Suliban #1: What's she saying?
Suliban #2: I can't tell. Let's come closer, leaving our backs unguarded.
Tucker: You guys just suck all the fun right out of this, you know that?

T'Pol: Mr. Reed, it's time for your part of the... Mr. Reed?
Sato: He kept telling me to go back into the tube in case my pants came off this time. He'll regain consciousness in a minute.
Tucker: Hey, is that my Hammer of Crushing you used?
Sato: Why don't you come over here and see?

Raan: Sneaking into Daniels' quarters, eh? Let's see your hall pass.
Reed: Here you go.
Raan: That's a futuristic device you stole.
Reed: Please beat me up with it.

Ayala: You know the secret to getting noticed? Being outspoken.
Mayweather: But I do that on the -- wait! You've given me an idea for how to escape!
Ayala: What? No, don't go! Please! You're the first person who's talked to me in two years....

Silik: Have you been beaten enough yet, human?
Reed: Please don't stop now! I'm so eager to be more like the captain....
Silik: Very well. The beating will continue when you answer my question. This device, the Omega 13 -- what does it do?
Reed: I don't know! The captain told me to get it. All he said was "It can bring me back in time, but don't tell Silik that so he'll think he can use it to contact Future Guy." That's all, I swear!
Silik: I can use it to contact Future Guy? Great! Guards, beat him again.
Reed: Oh, thank you, sir!

Tucker: Now to fake a warp core explosion. I'll--
Suliban #1: Warp core explosion? AAAAAA! Everybody off the ship!
Tucker: All the fun, I'm telling you.

Raan: Sir, the humans are trying to --
Silik: I don't care. If I don't contact Future Guy right now, I'll miss the new Twilight Zone. Why couldn't he just have brought his phone?
Raan: You'd have to pay extra for a transdimensional call anyway.

T'Pol: Congratulations to everyone on our successful retaking of the ship. Except you, Ensign Sato; you were topless within twelve minutes. I am not pleased.
Sato: Oh, like you're Miss No Cheesecake.
Reed: Uh oh. There are fifty thousand Suliban ships pursuing us!
T'Pol: I am detecting only fifty, Mr. Reed. I believe your head is still spinning from your interrogation.
Reed: It was the best beating ever....

Silik: At last! Sir, I tried to -- OW!
Archer: Take that, you Twilight Zone-watching fiend!
Silik: Wait a minute. The Evil Future Guy is you?
Archer: Um... sure.
Silik: Then why do you keep telling me to kill your past self?
Archer: Masochism. Yeesh, haven't you been paying attention?

Reed: All systems trashed.
Sato: We're faking it this time too, right? Right?
T'Pol: You may continue to believe so. Prepare to --
Reed: Wait! They're breaking off. And here comes Archer.
Archer: (over the comm) Hi guys. Mind if I come aboard?
T'Pol: As long as you're not harbouring any pretensions about being captain again. Congratulations on capturing Silik, however.
Archer: Um... this isn't Silik so much as a sock puppet. I made it myself.
T'Pol: Mr. Reed, fire all weapons.

Captain's Log: It's good to be back, but there are still mysteries to solve. For example, why don't I care what happened to Daniels? And where did Porthos get 64 slices of American cheese?

Forrest: (over the comm) Glad you survived, Jon, but now it's time to face the music.
Archer: Dear God... you don't mean "Faith of the Heart," do you?
T'Pol: Wait! Do not judge the captain unfairly. He has made mistakes, but who among us has not?
Soval: (over the comm) Me.
T'Pol: And for every mistake there has been a success. For each bungled first contact, a victory in a gratuitous battle. For each overuse of the Klingons, an underuse of Mr. Mayweather. For each foolish decision to personally lead away teams, a valuable precedent for future series.
Soval: Silence! I've had enough of this bad-smelling bouquet of human melodrama! I will not rest until Enterprise is dismantled, dismembered, and spat upon! I will --
Logic: Jehoshaphat!
Soval: Excuse me, do I know you?

Mayweather: Can I have everyone's attention, please? I have an announcement to make.
Bouncer: Heh, this should be good.
Mayweather: See, I've been looking around, and it seems to me your entrance requirements are pretty lax. You've got Anya here, for crying out loud.
Anya Emerson: My last name is underused.
Mayweather: Don't make me do my bunny imitation.
Mayweather: Thank you. Now, I've been thinking... with everybody you let in here, you can't afford to keep somebody who's really not underused, right?
Bouncer: What's your point?
Mayweather: Oh, nothing. Just that, thanks to you folks, this is my eleventh line today.
Bouncer: But... but....
Mayweather: Sorry, pal. You can't make exceptions.
Bouncer: Oh, fine! Get out. But if you ever tell anyone how you escaped, I'll hunt you down and destroy you!
Mayweather: Oh, don't sweat it. I wouldn't do anything that might give Keffer a chance to get out of here.

T'Pol: Well, did we win?
Archer: I think you went pretty over-the-top, but yes. My "Daniels ex machina" explanation convinced them all.
T'Pol: I still don't believe in space travel.
Archer: Whatever. Oh, by the way, Travis just got back. He says it was his faith in us not to underuse him that set him free.
T'Pol: Ironic, isn't it?
Archer: Mm. Bring him the next batch of scripts, will you? He'll need time to practice his line.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He wishes he could make sock puppets that quickly.

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