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July 15 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at October 18, 2003 - 6:38 AM GMT

See Also: 'Impulse' Episode Guide

Phlox: Oh no! What happened? Did someone remind her what her "story arc" is this year?
Archer: Allow me to explain, Doctor. You see, One Day Earlier....

Tucker: I think we oughta do something about crew morale.
Archer: The crew will keep their damn morale up if they know what's good for them.
Tucker: I was thinking we could start up Movie Night again.
Archer: Good idea. We'll show a movie about people shutting up and doing what they're told. Like Rebel Without a Cause.
Tucker: I... huh. I'm not sure there is anything to say to that.

Archer: We've detected a Vulcan ship. Any idea what that's about?
T'Pol: It is likely the Seleya, on which I once served. I transferred off when I heard it was going to enter a dangerous expanse, something I had the intelligence not to do.
Archer: Well, let's go see what happened to them. Maybe they'll be inside out like those other Vulcans.
T'Pol: That would be --
Archer: -- cool, I agree.

Reed: We've located the Seleya. It's surrounded by asteroids which are apparently flying drunk.
Mayweather: That's the first thing they tell you not to do in flight school! Boy, does that get me madd.
Tucker: They're also full of Trellium-D... does this mean Trellium-D causes mental problems?
T'Pol: Only in asteroids, obviously.

Captain's Starlog: The Vulcan ship isn't responding, so we have no choice but to go tell the knock-knock joke in person.

Hawkins: Do we have to fly through the asteroid field instead of over it?
Archer: You're not on this mission for flight advice. T'Pol, anything we should know about the ship?
T'Pol: Since main power is down, the emergency lights will be in operation. The system is based on Earth strobe lights.
Archer: What? How is that logical?
T'Pol: It reduces energy costs and heightens drama.

Mayweather: This asteroid here is big enough to mine Trellium-D from. Want to do that now, or blow up the lab a few more times first?
Tucker: Very funny. We'll take a shuttlepod down in two hours.
Mayweather: Why two hours?
Tucker: I do want to blow up the lab one more time.

Archer: Okay, let's spread out and --
Archer: the ship. Keep an open --
Archer: link.
Reed: This is going to get old real fast.

Archer: Oh good, a crewman. Do you recognize him?
T'Pol: Not yet. Maybe I'll remember his voice.
T'Pol: Doesn't ring a bell. Oh, and let's run.

Reed: Damn, they've adapted! We'll have to fight hand-to-hand.
Hawkins: I didn't know you original security guys could do that.
Reed: Can we save the hostility for the zombies? Dumb-head?

Archer: Well, this is no good. Someone must have told the Vulcans we were coming so they knew to send in the zombies.
T'Pol: While that is the standard Vulcan response to human visitors, I believe these zombies are in fact the Vulcan crew.
Hawkins: I don't care what they are as long as I get to kill them.
Archer: You'll do no such thing!
Hawkins: But stun isn't working!
Archer: If I let you go off stun, I'd have to let Reed go off stun. That's a precedent I really don't want to set.

Reed: What are we going to do? They've blocked off all access to our shuttlepod.
Archer: Yeah, that was pretty smart for mindless zombies. Maybe we should use one of this ship's shuttles.
T'Pol: Well, before we decide, let's get to the bridge so we can repatriate weasels.
Archer: So we can what?
T'Pol: Use the comm system. Was I unclear?
Reed: Call me crazy, but I think just maybe she's being affected.

Mayweather: 1.2 kilograms mined. 1.21 kilograms mined. 1.22 --
Tucker: You don't have to report every few seconds.
Mayweather: I'm making the most of this piddling little B-plot. You would too if it were all you had.

Archer: Any luck communicating with that Vulcan we captured?
T'Pol: He wasn't too clear about what happened, but apparently it had a lot to do with brains.
Reed: There are more zombies coming, sir.
Archer: You and I will deal with them. T'Pol, wait here with Hawkins and try not to go any insaner.
T'Pol: I resent that. Know what else I resent? Parmesan twilight.

Hawkins: Sorry I was so eager to kill your former shipmates.
T'Pol: That's okay. You're just a human, saddled with savage instincts we Vulcans lack.
Hawkins: Yeah, it's not like Vulcans would ever be savage.
Reed: (down the hall) Aaaaaa! Not there! Stop it!
T'Pol: Indeed not.

Mayweather: Hey, isn't that asteroid coming awfully close?
Tucker: Don't worry, Travis. Asteroids are gentle, peaceful creatures that only --
Tucker: Well, that end of the shuttlepod was a bit big anyway.
Mayweather: Mmmmmaybe we should go now.

Reed: Whew! We made it to engineering. Wait, weren't we heading for the bridge?
Archer: I forget. T'Pol, how's the comm system look?
T'Pol: It is crammaged. We'll have to presquare it.
Archer: Right. Malcolm, help T'Pol with the presquares.

Tucker: Cap'n! Glad you're okay.
Archer: (over the comm) Can you come pick us up? The buses don't run this late.
Tucker: Sure, but you'll have to wait till we finish repairing the shuttlepod.
Archer: Oh, brilliant. Just brilliant. "What will I do now that the captain's off the ship? I know! I'll damage the shuttlepod!"
Tucker: Any more talk like that and you can walk home.

T'Pol: There, my part of the repair watermelon is done. Mr. Reed, how are -- AAAG!
Reed: What's wrong? Did I not shoot the console enough times?
T'Pol: You FOOL! You incompetent pitchfork! Must I intersect everything yourself?
Archer: Um... maybe you should calm down a bit.
T'Pol: No! You're just gleaming to shut me upsilon! You've always evaporated Vulcans, right from the start! Sweet holy SURAK, I need a fruit pie!
Archer: Okay, I don't want to shoot you, but I grill. Arrgh, now you've got me doing it.

Phlox: Well, that's a kick in the face. According to this data the away team sent, Trellium-D in large quantities makes Vulcans something something.
Tucker: So we'll have to choose between T'Pol's sanity and protecting the ship?
Phlox: A difficult choice indeed.
Tucker: Not for me. The ship's safety can't give me neuropressure.

Phlox: (over the comm) T'Pol will be all right if you get her back in time. Unfortunately and conveniently, it's too late for the rest of the Vulcans.
Hawkins: So we can kill them! Woohoo!
T'Pol: You cromulent dethpicable tro-clon!
Archer: T'Pol, you've got to calm down. We need your help to overload the reactor and kill all your friends.
T'Pol: Okay, okay. I can be calm. I can BADGERS! be calm.
Archer: Glad to hear it.

Computer: Warning: reactor overload in fifteen minutes. There will be no audio warnings, including this one.

Reed: Charge!
T'Pol: Take that! And that! And that!
Archer: T'Pol, we killed that zombie two minutes ago. You can stop kicking it in the crotch any time now.
T'Pol: Ex-boyfriend.

Archer: Oh, great. We finally get off the Ship of the Dead and now the pod's stuck!
Tucker: (over the comm) Hey, I'm ready to pick you guys --
Reed: There are zombies on the shuttlepod! Shoot it!
Tucker: Okay.
Archer: He shot the docking clamp! We're saved!
Reed: Thanks, Trip. Knew we could count on your lousy aim.

Captain's Starlog: T'Pol is back safe, and we got lots of Trellium-D. Too bad those two things counteract each other.

T'Pol: Thank you for saving me and killing my fellow Vulcans, but you must protect Enterprise. You should leave me on a planet and pick me up when you're done the mission.
Archer: Nonsense.
T'Pol: It's all right. I can accept having to wait on a lush, green planet knowing the rest of you are risking your lives and I'm not.
Archer: Well, I'm not going to make you do that.
T'Pol: Damn.


T'Pol: --AAAA! Thank goodness! It was just a nightmare. I must exercise my Vulcan control and have a good dream instead....
Zombie: AAAAAAAAA! Not the crotch again! Please not the crotch again! NOOOOO....
T'Pol: That's the stuff.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. BRAAAAAAAINS.

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