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July 14 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

Fallen Hero

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 29, 2002 - 12:27 AM GMT

See Also: 'Fallen Hero' Episode Guide

TíPol: Know what you two need? A vacation.
Tucker: Know what you need? To shut up.
Archer: Hang on, Trip, she may have a point. Did you have anywhere particular in mind?
TíPol: We could go back to that spore planet where Trip tried to kill me.
Tucker: You said that was a robot of you.
TíPol: Ah yes, I forgot you knew that. How about Risa? Itís a planet where dumb, dumb Trek episodes happen.
Archer: I like the sound of that.

Forrest: (over the comm) Hi, Jon. Toilet-paper any Vulcan ships lately?
Archer: How did you find out?
Forrest: Relax, itís a joke. Listen... I have a secret, secret mission for you.
Archer: Are there secrets involved?
Forrest: Very possibly. I need you to go to the planet Mazar and pick up an old Vulcan who looks like Angela Lansbury.
Archer: Pick up Jessica VíLetcher... got it. Anything else?
Forrest: Make your engineer stop wearing that Hawaiian shirt. Itís so ugly I can see it from here.
Archer: From my ready room?
Forrest: From Earth.

Sato: I hope this Vulcan bag enjoys my quarters. Grumble.
TíPol: Something wrong?
Sato: Do you know how much work itís been to clear the place out? I had to move my books, my clothes, my debris collection, the lock of hair I keep to remember Marcus Cole by....
TíPol: Who?
Sato: Guy I met on my inter-universe travels. He was bilingual. Rowr.

Archer: Do the quarters pass inspection?
TíPol: Yes, I think sheíll be happy here. I wouldnít be, but maybe Hoshiís smell will be easier on her.
Sato: I heard that.
Archer: Well, as long as she doesnít demand quarters that face the other way. People like that are such a --
Sato: Iím standing right here!

Mayweather: ....and then you fold the second flap in to the centre, just like the first....
Archer: AAAAA! Who left Travis in command? Sorry, Your Highness, it wonít happen again.
Important Mazarite: Hey, let him finish! Weíve almost got paper airplane technology.
Archer: Maybe later. (Guards, kill Travis.) Anyway, whereís the Vulcan?
Important Mazarite: The one standing next to you, or the lawbreaking one on a shuttle heading for your ship?
Archer: The first one. Wait, the second. Wait, never mind.

VíLar: Hi, Captain. Iím VíLar, but you can call me just VíL.
Archer: Um... no thanks. So whatís with the friendliness? TíPol, why didnít you warn me there was a friendly Vulcan?
TíPol: I didnít know. Excuse me while I glare at her.
VíLar: I hope the rest of you are this much fun.

Tucker: ...and hereís our Chefís specialty. He calls it ďstuff Reed shoots, flambť.Ē
VíLar: Sounds delicious. Does he do ethnic foods? Andorian, Mexican, that sort of thing?
Tucker: He hasnít done Mexican since the court order, but we get antenna stew on occasion.
VíLar: Mmmmm... meaty.
Archer: TíPol, stop glaring! Another minute and her hair is going to catch fire!

VíLar: Thanks for walking me back to your quarters.
TíPol: Donít thank me, thank the captain for handcuffing us together. Would you mind unlocking me now?
VíLar: I sense... anger.

Archer: I can tell youíre upset, TíPol. Is it my new haircut?
TíPol: Yes. Also VíLar, that humane criminal blatch.
Archer: Hey, sheís not so bad. Except the criminal part. And ďhumaneĒ doesnít mean ďhuman-like.Ē
TíPol: On my homeworld, it does.
Archer: I see.
TíPol: On my homeworld, it is an expletive.

Captain: (over the comm) Weíd like VíLar back, please.
Archer: Thatís not exactly going to happen, unless you have a coupon.
Captain: I do! Itís in my pocket somewhere... gimme a sec to find it....
Archer: And while heís distracted, weíll polarize the hull plating. Right, Reed?
Reed: Pardon? Sorry, I was sending my weekly ďWhat Iíve ShotĒ report to Chef.

Sato: Weíre hit!
Archer: Target that explosion and fire!
Reed: That would mean firing at ourselves.
Archer: Donít contradict me, mister!

Reed: Woohoo! Weíve disabled the Mazarite ship.
Archer: Excuse me? Weíve differently abled the ship. Get it right. TíPol, any idea why they came back?
TíPol: Maybe VíLar isnít really a Vulcan. You know, like the original TíPel.
Archer: You are the most confusing person I know.

VíLar: No, I canít tell you why they want me. No, I canít give you a good reason to protect me. No, I canít rub my stomach and pat my head at the same time. Any more questions?
Archer: Boxers or briefs?
TíPol: Shut up, Archer. I think itís clear that VíLar is a disgusting traitor who should be punished like anything.
VíLar: As opposed to the other kind of disgusting traitor.
TíPol: You shut up too!
Archer: Okay, folks, Iíve decided on a plan. Weíre going to turn the ship around and head back.
TíPol: A good, good plan, sir.
Archer: Thank you. Archer to Mayweather: set a course for Earth!

Forrest: Youíre messing up again, stupid. The Vulcans will vampirize us for this!
Archer: My every instinct tells me to hand over VíLar to be mauled. Iím just going where my heart will take me, Admiral.
Forrest: I suppose I canít argue with that. Just remember that if you fail --
Archer: -- Starfleet will deny all knowledge of my existence. I know, I know.

Tucker: I wish we were on Risa right now.
Reed: Me too.
Tucker: Do you suppose that when we get there, weíll end up wishing we were here?
Reed: Hah! Not likely.

VíLar: Letís reconcile, TíP.
TíPol: Donít call me that! As far as Iím concerned, youíre just a humane --
VíLar: TíPol! My virgin ears! Look, if I tell you all my secrets, will you start taking my side?
TíPol: Do you know the secret of how they put the caramel in the Caramilk bar?
VíLar: Yes.
TíPol: All right, we have a deal.

Porthos: Ruff ruff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff rufffffff! Ruff ruff ruff!
Archer: Good boy. Oh, hi TíPol. Iím teaching Porthos to bark in Morse code.
TíPol: I donít think heís enjoying it.
Archer: Donít be silly. So, have you come to talk me out of my plan?
TíPol: Yes, and Iíd like you to keep in mind how often that worked with Janeway.
Archer: Youíre no Seven, honey.
TíPol: D@mn straight! Iím a nine out of nine any day.

Archer: Okay, Travis, turn the ship around.
Mayweather: Let me get this straight... weíre heading for the Vulcan ship now?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! No, no, wait, that is indeed the plan. Sorry, gut reaction there.
Mayweather: So for the Vulcans now, right?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! Wait, thatís -- stop doing that!

VíLar: Time to tell you all my secrets. First of all, they do it by suction.
Archer: Who do what?
VíLar: Never mind. Second, Iím not really in disgrace -- I was conducting a big sting operation.
Archer: I see.
VíLar: And now I feel guilty, so turn back around and give me up.
Archer: I see.
VíLar: Well?
Archer: I see.
TíPol: Oh... sorry, VíLar. I hypnotized him to make him agree, and I donít think heís out of it yet.

Captain: (over the comm) And then I do what with the top corner?
Archer: Travis! I canít leave you alone out here for three seconds, can I? Look, Mr. Mazarite Guy, weíre now going to show your our top speed. Also our dust.
Captain: You canít. The speed limit in this sector is Warp 3 for some environmental reason.
Archer: Heh. Next time, come up with a plausible lie.

Tucker: (over the comm) Weíre gonna lose warp! I cannae hold íer any longer!
Archer: Okay, new plan: we all act out a convincing scene to distract the Mazarites.
VíLar: Oo, oo! Who do I play?
Archer: It really doesnít work that way, VíLar.
VíLar: Aw.

Archer: Welcome aboard. Itís our custom to immediately play a full game of Monopoly with all visitors --
Captain: Where are you hiding the Vulcan?
Archer: Okay, you win. Sheís under the bed.
Captain: Which one?
Archer: Oh, one of them.
Captain: There must be 150 on your ship!
Archer: Yeah, itís one of those.
TíPol: (Pssst... Captain, the plan isnít to make him so mad he kills YOU.)
Archer: I see.

Mayweather: (over the comm) The Vulcans are here!
Archer: What? Fire all weap-- wait, wait, never mind. You Mazarites can get off my ship now.
Captain: Fine. Youíve won this round. But I shall return!
Archer: Not likely -- I donít see Jeffrey Combs under that makeup.

Captainís Log: The fight is done and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer....

VíLar: Farewell, Captain. Thanks for the memories.
Archer: I thought I told Phlox to wipe them.
TíPol: Heís getting negligent lately. By the way, whatís Porthos doing here?
Archer: Heís going to say goodbye to VíLar in Morse code in Vulcan. Check it out.
Porthos: Ruff rufffffff! Rufffffff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff ruff! Ruff! Ruff rufffffff ruff ruff!
VíLar: Captain! I certainly shall never set foot on this ship again!
Archer: Whoops. That may have been Vulcan for ďhumane.Ē
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's a big Angela Lansbury fan.

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