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July 15 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at October 18, 2003 - 6:41 AM GMT

See Also: 'Exile' Episode Guide

Mysterious Voice: Hoshi... Hooooooshi....
Sato: What? Who's there? And must he drag out the "ho" in my name?

T'Pol: I've been analyzing the anomaly location data and I have a theory. I believe there is a second sphere.
Archer: Rats, that messes with my theory.
T'Pol: Your "theory" was that the Expanse was based on water polo.
Archer: Exactly. There's only one ball in water polo.

Reed: Nope, the security systems show there was no one in your quarters last night. But there could have been.
Sato: Really? How is that possi-- oh, wait. That was just a pickup line, wasn't it?
Reed: And there could be someone in your quarters tonight, too, baby.

Phlox: My scans show nothing unusual, Ensign. You're healthy -- and sexy.
Sato: I'm obviously coming to the wrong people for this problem.

Mysterious Voice: Hooooshi....
Sato: You again! Who are you?
Mysterious Voice: Come to the planet on the screen. I'm waiting for you.
Sato: That doesn't answer my question at all!
Mysterious Voice: I wouldn't be much of a mysterious voice if I did.

Sato: I'm telling you, there was someone there! Only there wasn't. But there was.
Archer: It's not that I don't believe you, but shouldn't other people have heard this voice? I haven't. Trip hasn't. Travis has been hearing a voice, but drug-induced hallucinations don't count.
Sato: But it can't all be in my head. We already did one of those.
Archer: True. You'd better stay in sickbay for now. Mr. Reed, put security on alert and post guards in key locations.
Reed: The MACOs can guard Engineering and the bridge. I'll cover T'Pol's quarters.

Phlox: Make yourself comfortable. If you need me, I'll be over here doing medical work.
Sato: Medical work? Hey, you're not the real Phlox!
"Phlox": Okay, you got me. I'm the mysterious voice from earlier. So, gonna come visit me?
Sato: Why should I? You freak me out.
"Phlox": Will you feel more comfortable if I take a human form like this?
Sato: Depends... can you do Marcus Cole?

Archer: And he can find us information about the Xindi?
Sato: That's what he said. He even promised to bake some muffins. I think we should go.
Archer: Well, I'm not going to delay our mission and risk endangering the ship until I know what kind of muffins.
Sato: Blueberry.
Archer: Oo, yummy.

Tarquin: Welcome to my planet. My name is Tarquin.
Sato: Hey, you're a weird ugly alien! You appeared to me as a human!
Tarquin: I apologize for the deception, but you wouldn't have come otherwise. You're pretty shallow.
Archer: That she is, that she is.
Sato: I want my money back.

Reed: Here's a Xindi item, as you requested.
Tarquin: Is this... a reptile Xindi spleen?
Reed: Our doctor's kind of sick.
Tarquin: Well, it'll do. Give me five days and Hoshi and I'll get you some information.
Archer: Now just a minute here! Five whole days?

Sato: It's all right, sir, I'm willing to stay. We need the information, and I'll enjoy rubbing all this screentime in Travis's face.
Archer: Well, if you're sure. Have fun with your disturbing mental stalker.
Sato: I will. Tell all my friends and Phlox I'll miss them.
Archer: Actually, Phlox is about to leave too. He's making some sort of house call for this creepy L.A. law firm.
Sato: Really? Tell him to say hi to Wesley for me in ancient Coptic.

Tarquin: I made you all sorts of delicious food. Like me yet?
Sato: Nope.
Tarquin: What if I let you read this ancient alien book?
Sato: There And Back Again: A Tbohbi's Holiday?
Tarquin: Tbohbi is a really interesting language. Like me yet?

Porthos: Ruff. Ruff.
Archer: Yes, I know you're impatient to be on the show again. Pestering me about it won't help.
Porthos: Ruff.
Archer: What? I -- oh. That's interesting.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Captain, the anomalies are increasing as we approach the sphere.
Archer: I figured. Porthos's water dish just got twisted into a Klein bottle and he wants me to tell him whether the water's inside or outside it.

Tarquin: This is my crystal egg. Want to try it?
Sato: Okay, just once. Whoaaaaa....
Tarquin: What do you see?
Sato: Stock sci-fi clips... proof of President Clark's misdeeds... nothing useful... EEP! Xindi!
Tarquin: Awww, you saw one? All I've gotten so far is this big eye that just stares at me.

Reed: It's no good, sir -- we can't go any farther. We've already taken more damage than we can believably repair by next week.
Tucker: We could insulate a shuttlepod with Trellium-D and take that in.
Archer: Good idea. T'Pol, get started on that.
T'Pol: Sir... Trellium-D turns me into a zombie....
Archer: I know, it'll be fun to watch.

Sato: Given that Tarquin told me not to go outside, it must be a good idea to. It's not like these gale-force winds are dangerous at all... hey, a bunch of graves!
Tarquin: Get back inside! I told you to stay out of the outside wing of the house!
Sato: Not before you tell me who's buried in these graves!
Tarquin: All right, I admit it... they're the companions I've had before you.
Sato: Aw. I was hoping for pirates with a big chest of cursed gold or something.

Archer: Cool! There is another sphere!
Tucker: Does the fact that we're about to crash into it dampen your enthusiasm any?
Archer: Not a whit.

Tarquin: Look, I'm using my human form again. Why aren't you smiling? Are you still not over that silly grave thing?
Sato: I'm not going to spend the rest of my life here no matter how much like Marcus you look.
Tarquin: Come on! Do you really want to go back to that insane ship, where men get pregnant and dogs sniff out anomalies and the chef has no face?
Sato: Unless you try to keep me here like some Roman dictator.
Tarquin: Hmmm... that's a thought. Thanks for suggesting it.

Shuttlepod: And now, when they least expect it, I make my getaway!
Archer: What the--? Shoot it down!
Shuttlepod: Nuts.
Tucker: Whew, we stopped it in time. Good thing the sphere had enough gravity to pull the pod back in.
Archer: Yep, this sphere is one big sucker.
Tucker: Must you?

T'Pol: (over the comm) Welcome back. Was there a sphere?
Archer: You bet. And know what? It was exactly the same shape as --
T'Pol: All spheres are the same shape as a water polo ball.
Archer: It's still worth noting.

Tarquin: Your captain is on his way back. I wish you'd reconsider.
Sato: Sorry.
Tarquin: Would you at least reconsider the slinky dresses you keep wearing?
Sato: I enjoy making this harder on you.

Archer: Hi! Good news: we're leaving you here for the rest of the mission.
Sato: What? I don't even get to say goodbye to my friends and Phlox?
Archer: I'm sure Travis will understand.
Sato: Aha! The real Captain Archer would never mention Travis!
Tarquin: Okay, I admit it -- I'm not very good at impersonating people.

T'Pol: That's odd. Power just went out all over the ship.
Archer: Rats! I knew we shouldn't have used the same hydroelectric system as the northeastern United States.

Tarquin: I've killed the power on your ship. You have no choice but to stay with me.
Sato: You insane Grand Moff! Undo it or I'll kick you in the shins!
Tarquin: I'm wearing knee protectors.
Sato: Then I'll... I'll smash your palantir!
Tarquin: (GASP) Oh no! I forgot to give it knee protectors!

T'Pol: Power's back.
Archer: Easy go, easy come.

Sato: Thank you. Now please stop trying to keep me here.
Tarquin: Very well... you can go. You can even take the book.
Sato: Is there a sequel?
Tarquin: Yes, but you can't have it.

Captain's Starlog: Hoshi's back. So's Phlox, who keeps complaining about some kind of bite he got while he was away.

T'Pol: I noticed that the anomaly distribution was very slightly off what the two spheres accounted for. There may be as many as fifty spheres, or even 47.
Archer: How can exponentially increasing the number of sources only affect the distribution slightly?
T'Pol: You are the last person on this ship qualified to question my logic.
Archer: Oh, please. I can't be behind Trip.
T'Pol: You wouldn't be, but he does good neuropressure.

Sato: You again? Get over me already!
Tarquin: Relax, I just want to give you this information....

Sato: Tarquin gave me the location of a Xindi colony.
Archer: (GASP!)
Sato: And the password for your personal logs, "Captain Cool the Coolster."
Archer: (GASP!)
(Enterprise heads for the colony at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He can't read your mind, and he's glad you can't read his.

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