Year of Hell, Part OneBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:11 PM GMT
See Also: 'Year of Hell, Part One' Episode Guide
Annorax: This episode begins with me, the villain. Am I bad or what? Huh? Huh?
Janeway: I love what you've done with Astrometrics. Where'd you get the idea?
Seven: Haven't seen Generations, have you?
Janeway: Sure I have! That's the one where they killed off Picard.
Kim: Kirk, moron.
Janeway: Sorry. I'm not a nerdy Trekkie like you.
Krenim: My ship sucks now, but I'll be back.
Janeway: That's what they all say.
Zaal: "Day 4"? What's that day for?
Janeway: Ignore it. You were talking about the Krenim?
Zaal: Right. They're meanies. You can tell because their name starts with K.
Kim: I resent that.
Krenim: I'm back with a bigger ship!
Janeway: Uh oh. I smell a time travel story.
Obrist: Our last evil time incursion thing was a big success.
Annorax: Who cares? My personal vendetta isn't satisfied yet.
Paris: (over the comm) Deck 5's gonna blow!
Doc: Quick! Everybody out of here! Except you two, your deaths will be a traumatic event for me.
Chakotay: I suggest that we all take the wimpy little escape pods and run.
Janeway: No. Breaking up is hard to do.
Kim: We're stuck, so let's do trivia. What was the name of Zefram Cochrane's Phoenix?
Torres: Just when I thought you couldn't get any stupider....
Paris: I've come up with a brilliant defense system based on an overconfident, badly-designed ship that sank on its first voyage.
Janeway: Tom, you're a regular Harry Kim.
Doc: Hurry up and treat these extras! Idiot! Moron! Fool!
Paris: You're grumpy today.
Doc: I prefer the term "aggressively honest."
Tuvok: I see you found a live torpedo in the hull.
Seven: Yep. Now I'll scan it before it explodes. Oops, too late.
Tuvok: AAAAAAGGGGGHHH! I'm blind! You know, this scene went a lot better when Kes did it.
Chakotay: Happy birthday. Have a watch.
Janeway: I'd rather snub you by refusing it.
Seven: Look, you really should let me help you shave.
Tuvok: Just because I'm missing one or two of my eyes doesn't mean I can't successfully hack at my face with a sharp knife.
Seven: But it's inefficient.
Tuvok: Efficiency is illogical.
Seven: Logic is irrelevant.
Tuvok: Relevance is... you know, this could go on all day.
Janeway: Ha ha! I've got mighty time shields now! In your face!
Krenim: "Time shields"? What kind of sense does that make?
Janeway: Um... er... it's complex, you wouldn't understand.
Annorax: Okay, let's wipe out another race. See if you can find one whose name starts with G.
Obrist: Why G?
Annorax: No, not YG, just G.
Obrist: That was terrible.
Krenim: And then we'll carve up your hull and use it for--
Kim: Whoa, the ship disappeared!
Janeway: Rats! Now we'll never know what he was going to use the hull for.
Obrist: Uh oh... some ship with time shields messed with our plan.
Annorax: Okay, we'll destroy them. But first we'll ask them what time shields are.
Seven: My guess is somebody's changing history, and our time shields protected us from the changes.
Janeway: Oh, is that what they do? Cool!
Annorax: (over the comm) You! What are "time shields"? I mean, prepare to die.
Janeway: I don't think so. Hey, you stole Chakotay and Paris!
Tuvok: Excellent! Let's run before he can give them back!
Janeway: I like the way you think, Mr. Tuvok.
Janeway: Time for a speech. (ahem) Ladies and gentlemen of the crew... we're so royally screwed it's not funny. Get lost.
Crew: But we'll be easy pickings in those escape pods--
Janeway: Out! OUT!
Kim: Uh oh, some nebulous gases got into the lower decks!
Nebula: Can I join your crew? Pleeeeeease?
Janeway: No, we're way over budget. We've already had to lay off 140 people.
Doc: Get some rest.
Janeway: Make me.
Doc: I'll come back to this later.
Annorax: ....and so you see, I'm really just misunderstood.
Paris: Oh, so you're not a slightly demented, balding alien on an obsessive quest for vengeance?
Annorax: Obrist, remove him. Chakotay, what do you think?
Chakotay: I think you could easily win me over by telling me about your tragic past.
Annorax: Worth a try.
Janeway: I've had enough of this whiny nebula. We leave tomorrow.
Seven: Captain, with no due respect, you're an idiot.
Tuvok: Stop that, Seven. It's impolite.
Seven: Politeness is immaterial.
Tuvok: Materialism is illogical.
Seven: Logic is futile.
Janeway: Will you two cut that out?
Chakotay: I suggest we erase this comet from time.
Annorax: That would destroy many civilizations.
Chakotay: That's bad, right?
Annorax: That's bad.
Janeway: Uh oh, meteors! I'd better get horribly burned saving the ship.
Doc: Get some rest.
Janeway: Make me.
Doc: Okay, you're relieved.
Janeway: Try it and I'll delete you.
Doc: Okay, you're not relieved.
Janeway: I'm relieved to hear that.
Janeway: Hey, it's that watch Chakotay made for me. I'll wear it on my belt.
Neelix: As a sign of your affection for him?
Janeway: As a reminder to throw the book at him for insubordination.
Paris: I think we should start a mutiny.
Chakotay: Not yet, the main Bad Guy's ideas may still succeed.
Paris: Fine, I'll do it without you.
Chakotay: Oh no you won't.
Paris: Oh yes I will.
Chakotay: Oh no you -- whoops, time for a convenient distraction.
Annorax: Let's wipe out that species.
Chakotay: Nooooo! I've changed my mind about you, you're mean.
Annorax: Sigh... I'll have to tell you even more of my tragic past, won't I?
Chakotay: He told me more of his tragic past, but it wasn't enough. Start the mutiny.
Paris: Woo hoo! Paris 1, Chakotay 0!
Chakotay: Don't make me come over there.
Captain's Log: Paris sent us a message, so we're heading off to our probable doom. Yay!
Janeway: Okay, everybody but me should go to other ships in our ragtag fleet.
Tuvok: What about you?
Janeway: I'll stay here so Voyager doesn't feel lonely.
Tuvok: Voyager is an inanimate object, you fool. I pity you.
Janeway: Let's hug, Mr. T.
Annorax: Here comes Voyager. Fire!
Obrist: Yeah? You can't fire me, because I quit!
Annorax: No, I meant fire the huge gun.
Obrist: I quit anyway.
Janeway: His ship is vulnerable. I think I'll ram it.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Won't you die?
Janeway: Not if I can think of a clever catch phrase in time. (ahem) Time's up to take out the trash! No, wait--
Janeway: Hello, friendly Krenim. Isn't it nice how we weren't at each other's throats for 257 days?
Annorax's Wife: Hi, honey. Isn't it nice how you didn't become a megalomaniac?
Annorax: Hey, it's not too late....
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.