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The Trek Nation - Warhead

Warhead

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:41 PM GMT

See Also: 'Warhead' Episode Guide

Paris: Please? I'll pay you back double rations next month.
Neelix: All right, all right -- replicate your anniversary presents already.
Paris: (grabbing Neelix and kissing him) You're a saint!
Kim: (upon entering) Um....
Paris: It's not what it looks like!
Kim: I don't think I'm hungry anymore.

Kim: Report!
Jenkins: It's 4 in the morning.
Kim: What's our status?
Jenkins: Currently earning brownie points for rank advancement, sir.
Kim: (sigh) You don't even try to humor me during night shift.
Jenkins: Sir, detecting a distress signal!
Kim: Much better.

Kim: This is En--er--Emperor Kim of the Starship Voyager! What do you want?
Jenkins: There's nobody down there. Just a bunch of wreckage.
Kim: We could very well be dealing with the wreckage peoples of Scrapus VII.
Jenkins: You made that up, sir.
Kim: I'll inform the Commander. We've got an away team to assemble.

Doc: The distress signals are coming from this... warhead-shaped thing.
Kim: Sounds like a job for the commander of the away mission. Me.
Doc: Can you translate its beeping?
Kim: Well, no.
Doc: Then I'll handle this. (ahem) "Where am I? Who are you people?"
Kim: You're on an away mission with me, Emperor Kim commanding.
Doc: (sigh) You do for ego trips what Dadaism did for art.

Janeway: You let who lead the away team?
Chakotay: Everyone else was asleep.
Janeway: (sigh) Away team, report.
Doc: (over the comm) We found an amnesiatic machine. Permission to beam it aboard?
Janeway: Sounds harmless enough. Does Harry agree?
Doc: He's been crying since I scoffed at his attempts at egotism.
Janeway: (sigh) beam it aboard. Commander?
Chakotay: Yes?
Janeway: Not the best pair for an away team.

Doc: It says it had a companion.
Janeway: Hmm. Keep me informed.
Doc: Right.
Warhead: Beep Bop.
Doc: Oh yeah? Well you're not a real person either.
Warhead: Blip bop boop.
Doc: No you're not. Did we forget to tell you that part?
Warhead: Ba-dup.
Doc: Oops. Well I hope you won't hold it against us.

Seven: I found its companion.
Janeway: Where? All I see is a 200 kilometer-wide crater.
Seven: If you had an ocular implant, you'd see its molecules spread out uniformly across it.
Janeway: I guess I'll take your word for it.

Doc: We can't just abandon a sentient being!
Janeway: It's either that, or having pieces of us make it back to the Alpha Quadrant from the force of the explosion.
Kim: Really?
Doc: Er, what if we removed the bomb components from the device?
Janeway: Sounds about as feasible as removing the bomb components from Pauly Shore.

Torres: There we go, almost there. Now all we have to do is shut you down and--
Warhead: Woop! Woop!
Doc: It's angry.
Warhead: Tick...tick...tick....
Janeway: (over the comm) Shut it down immediately.
Fzzt.
Torres: I think that worked....
Doc/Warhead: Nope.
Torres: Oh crap.

Doc/Warhead: (over the comm) I wanna go destroy the enemies!
Chakotay: (aside) Has he always been this whiney?
Janeway: (ahem) We won't help you wage a war, Doctor.
Doc/Warhead: Then I'll detonate, I swear.
Janeway: (aside) Can he do that?
Doc/Warhead: Tick... tick... tick....
Janeway: All right, all right. We're altering course already.

Neelix: Excuse me, Captain--
Janeway: Not now.
Neelix: But I have a power node using the same technology. See?
Power Node: Tick...tick...tick....
Janeway: Oooh, nifty.

Torres: So, looks like we're hostages to the warhead.
Kim: Yep. Speaker credits can be deceiving.
Torres: Dude, it's been "warhead" the whole time.
Kim: You're right, I'm wrong. Such is life.
Torres: Get that ego back and talk your way out of this, Eeyore.
Kim: (sigh) Yes ma'am.

Kim: Um, you know you don't have to do this.
Doc/Warhead: I'm programmed to do this. Of course I have to.
Kim: Right, but you've also got a personality and stuff. That's more important than programming!
Doc/Warhead: You're programmed to eat and sleep. Will you ever stop doing those things and just be a personality?
Kim: Um....
Doc/Warhead: Didn't think so. Now go sit in the corner and make babies with her, or whatever you humans do.
Torres: GLARE
Kim: I dunno about that. Her glare is audible.

Janeway: (holding power node) Apparently our hedgehog cook acquired this from you. Do you know anything about the explosive device in our sickbay?
Onquanii: (on the screen) Of course not. Onquanii out.
Janeway: Hmm, he doesn't appear to be leaving....
Tuvok: I'm detecting a transporter signal. He's targeting sickbay.
Onquanii's ship: Kaboom!
Janeway: How did--
Doc/Warhead: (over the comm) Don't talk to strangers. Just be a good chauffeur and escort a bomb to the enemy in style, okay?
Janeway: Ugh.

Doc/Warhead: Hey, meatbags -- I need your help.
Kim: We're not very good at blowing things up.
Doc/Warhead: No, no. I need your help retrieving some lost memory files.
Kim: Let's see... the ones rescinding your orders to blow up "the enemy"?
Doc/Warhead: Um. No, the other ones.
Kim: Ha, I outwitted you! Ego returning!
Doc/Warhead: Nope, ignorance is bliss. I choose to ignore the data.
Kim: Crap! Didn't expect to be outdumbed....

Kaboom!
Janeway: (over the comm) We seem to have hit a mine. Our science borg has been injured.
Doc/Warhead: (sigh) Okay, treat her here.
Neelix: (upon entering with Seven) Hello Doctor Warhead.
Doc/Warhead: Just get on with this.
(Seven injects nanoprobes into the warhead)
Seven: Gah!
Doc/Warhead: Your pathetic attempts to disable me did not succeed. I have countermeasures designed to destroy any threat on contact. See what happened to her?
Kim: Actually, I think she's in shock from her nanoprobes not saving the day for once.
Doc/Warhead: Whatever.

Janeway: (over the comm) We just detected 32 vessels dropping out of warp.
Doc/Warhead: Friends! Comrades!
Janeway: Uh oh.
Doc/Warhead: Transfer me back to the device and beam me over there.
Kim: Wuss. You're just running away from your orders to cease.
Doc/Warhead: I--
Kim: If I were you, I'd acknowledge my orders and blow up all my friends out there.
Doc/Warhead: Oh yeah?
Kim: Well....
Doc/Warhead: Fine, you win. I'll do it.
Kim: Woohoo, I win!

Fzzt.
Warhead #19: Hey look, he's coming to help increase our total amount of overkill!
Warhead #28: I dunno, it sort of looks like he's armi--
Warheads: KA-BOOM!

Chakotay: Hooray for Harry!
Janeway: Don't start.

Jenkins: So, I heard you out-egoed a warhead.
Kim: Also the doctor. At the same time.
Jenkins: I didn't hear that part.
Kim: Well you'll have to tell everyone. Let me clear up all the details. You see....
(Ensign Kim babbles on all night at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.