UnityBy Annika Hansen
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:04 PM GMT
See Also: 'Unity' Episode Guide
Kaplan: We're lost.
Chakotay: You fool! For that, you're going to die soon.
Kaplan: Hey, there's a Federation signal coming from that hellhole some people call a planet. Wanna go down there and see if anyone wants to kill us both?
Chakotay: Hi. I'm Mr. Me. She's Mrs. Her.
Evil Aliens: Mrs. Her, time to die. We'll try to kill Mr...uh, well, him, but fail.
Kaplan: Sure. I'm just an unpaid extra. But I'll be mentioned in the last season. I will not completely fade away! Neener-neener!
Chakotay: Smaller Gak!
Good Aliens: Back off, evildoers.
Bad Aliens: Okay. He's not worth it anyway.
Chakotay: OW OW OW! Man, my head hurts! What did I drink last night?
Riley: Hi. I'm Riley.
Chakotay: Where's Kaplan?
Riley: She's dead.
Chakotay: Where's my shuttle?
Riley: It's dead.
Chakotay: Aww man, the Captain's gonna phaser me!
Captain's Log: Chakotay's taken another shuttle on some pointless mission. If he doesn't bring it back, I'll phaser him.
Paris: This is soooooooo boring!
Janeway: Why don't you go help Neelix make some leola root stuff?
Paris: On second thought, I like looking at my console like an idiot.
Tuvok: There's a ship not too far away that'll further the plot and make things not so boring.
Janeway: Cool. AAAAH! It's the Borg!
Paris: Get 'em away from me! They'll ruin my beautiful complexion.
Bridge Officers: Wussy.
Janeway: KILL THEM ALL!
Tuvok: They're already dead. But they're still dangerous.
Janeway: Since you show signs of wussiness like Paris, you get to go onboard that ship with Torres.
Tuvok: Sucks to be me.
Riley: Why don't you just settle down here?
Chakotay: Because of all the reasons given by Kirk and Picard, y'know?
Riley: Yeah, I was a big fan of the original series.
Chakotay: Wanna ride home with us?
Riley: Nope. I'm staying here. If I did go, I'd most likely tick off the J/Cers.
Tuvok: I am not showing signs of wussiness.
Torres No, but I am. This place is creepy. I don't like it here! Send me my teddy bear!
Tuvok: Hey, what's that over there? I'll be manly and check it out...AAAAAAAA! BORGBORGBORG! SAVE ME!
Torres: Um, it's dead.
Tuvok: Oh yeah. I knew that. Don't mention this to Janeway.
Torres: There were once a lot of Borg on that ship. We don't know how they died.
Torres: Maybe they just didn't want to be Borg anymore.
Everyone: Good idea!
Janeway: Okay, I'll let you slave away while I sit and look awesome in my chair.
Everyone: Sucks to be us.
Chakotay: I'll secretly pick the lock on the door until I get out.
Door: The lock has been picked.
Chakotay: Who's da man? Oo, look at all the people! I think I'll snoop around!
Riley: Um, hey.
Chakotay: Oh. My. God. You're a Borg!
Riley: Yup. Until my Borg ship blew a fuse. We were all happy until we remembered what species we were.
Borg Doc: Romulans and Klingons in the same group. You do the math. Riley: So you'll help us?
Chakotay: Um, owowowow! My head reaaaaallly hurts right now!
Doc: Hey, here's something that says "On Switch." Let's flip it.
Borg: Huh? Where am I? This looks like a Federation ship. I think I'd better warn the Queen.
Torres: SHUT IT OFF!
Doc: Okay, okay. Sheesh, don't have a cow.
Borg: Oh Queenie--GAK!
Doc: I was not scared. Nope. No sirree!
Kes and Torres: Riiiight.
Borg Doc: You're getting worse. If we linked with your mind, we could save you.
Chakotay: You mean like in the Borg?
Riley: Just a small one.
Chakotay: Why do I get the feeling that you're lying to me?
Riley: Um...no we're not! We're good! Yes, that will do.
Chakotay: Okay then.
Cooperative: We're a-boogyin' in Chakotay's brain! We know where he keeps his chocolate, we know he likes Janeway--
Riley: Wanna make out?
Chakotay: Sure! The J/Cers will be calling for both of our heads, though.
Riley: Who cares? WOOHOO!
Tuvok: We've found Chakotay on this hellhole of a planet.
Janeway: Did you find the shuttle?
Janeway: Chakotay's toast. Burnt toast.
Borg Doc: We think Voyager is in orbit.
Riley: Will you please ask Janeway to help us? PLEASE?
Chakotay: I was always a sucker for pleading women.
Riley: We want everyone on the planet to become one mind, kinda like the Collective, but not.
Janeway: You're nuts.
Riley: But we will be a good collective and live in harmony! We'll do a bunch of technobabble stuff.
Janeway: That would still mean big trouble. Get lost, lady.
Janeway: Do you think this is a good idea?
Chakotay: Yes. Those people are nice and they weren't lying.
Janeway: Um, well, you're biased. Your opinion doesn't matter!
Chakotay: The captain said no.
Riley: That's ok. I always get what I want.
Chakotay: Why do I think that's foreshadowing?
Torres: When we get back to Voyager, can I thrash you on the holodeck?
Chakotay: Sure. I've got nothing better to do.
Cooperative: Chakotay, shoot her! You must comply. Chakotay: Sure. Take a hike, B'Elanna!
Tuvok: Chakotay's shuttle is changing course. It's heading for Mr. Cube.
Janeway: Two shuttles in one episode? Isn't that some kind of record?
Tuvok: Commander, cease and desist!
Chakotay: Get a life, Captain's Pet. Mind if I shoot you like I did Torres?
Tuvok: Sure. GAK!
Chakotay: GAK! I turned Mr. Cube on, though! Hah! Chakotay 1, everyone else 0!
Borg: We were dead. Now we are alive. Get assimilated, Starfleet wimps.
Kim: Uh, sorry, we're in a bit of a hurry. Bye!
Paris: Everyone's here.
Janeway: I stupidly order you to get us out of here slowly.
Kim: Um, Mr. Cube is gonna blow.
Janeway: MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!
Cooperative: Hi. We're the Cooperative. We used Chakotay because he was the nearest dunderhead in sight. Thanks and bye.
Doc: Chakotay's ok now.
Janeway: We gotta talk. Doc, Tuvok, beat it.
Doc, Tuvok: Chakotay's in trouble! Chakotay's in trouble!
(They skip away)
Chakotay: I'm sorry?
Chakotay: I'm very sorry?
Janeway: I guess I can take pity on you since they controlled you. But you have to be very hard on yourself and inspire tons of fanfics. Okay?
(Voyager blasts away from the hellhole at Ludicrous Speed)
Annika Hansen is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.