Unimatrix Zero, Part OneBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:50 PM GMT
See Also: 'Unimatrix Zero, Part One' Episode Guide
Borg Queen: What's the interlink frequency?
Unfortunate Drone: Beats me.
Borg Queen: Wrong answer. Off with his head!
Seven: ....and then this guy walked up to me, and then I woke up.
Doc: Sounds like a dream to me. Wear this so I can spy on the next one.
Janeway: Welcome back to Lieutenantness, Tom! Now kiss B'Elanna so we can shut the P/Ters up for a while.
Tuvok: That colony was destroyed by the Borg.
Janeway: Computer, make an official entry for the ship's record: sucks to be that colony.
Seven: Where am I?
Axum: Unimatrix Zero. The Borg equivalent of Happy Land.
Seven: I don't like the sound of that.
Borg Queen: No luck so far. Cut off some more heads.
Axum: So if it's not too much trouble, please endanger your crew's lives.
Seven: Okay. Bye!
Paris: Fight the Borg again? I don't like you anymore.
Seven: May I, Captain? Please? Please?
Janeway: I want to talk to Axum first. Tuvok, invent an ancient Vulcan technique we've never heard of before.
Doc: I don't like this.
Janeway: When was the last time you liked anything? Let's go.
Janeway: Am I wrong, or are you more human in here?
Seven: No way José. Annika don't talk the lingo no different on the flip side, G.
Borg Queen: Found it! Oh wait, no we didn't. Screw it, let's just crash their party.
Janeway: Ever thought about actually doing something?
Axum: Hmm...no, can't say I have. Hey, there's a drone!
Janeway: Oo, a chance to show off my bat'telh skills and blow our cover!
Janeway: So my plan is to break the heck out of the Prime Directive, start a civil war, and put us all at incredible risk. Any objections?
Chakotay: Sounds good to me.
Doc: That nanovirus was really easy.
Torres: Let's pick a really hard cube to make up for it.
Seven: There go some more drones.
Axum: Yup. By the way, we used to be lovers.
Seven: Now you tell me.
Janeway: I'm going alone. See ya.
Tuvok: Aw! I wanna come!
Torres: Me too!
Chakotay: Change your mind.
Janeway: Okay, yes.
Borg Queen: Mind your own business!
Janeway: I'd rather mind yours too.
Borg Queen: I'll get you for that, Harry.
Paris: Want me to sabotage the ship for you, baby?
Torres: No, but thanks for the offer.
Janeway: Well, this is my stop. The ship's all yours.
Chakotay: Can I call myself a Captain? Please? Please?
Axum: Okay, the resistance is ready to go.
Seven: Good. Just before we go: no offense, but you're a total loser.
Axum: I'll keep that in mind.
Torres: The Flyer's in position to get pointlessly blown up.
Janeway: Good. Let's go get pointlessly assimilated.
Borg Queen: Janeway, you really suck.
Doc: The away team's screwed, Commander!
Chakotay: Great! Let's blow this joint. And call me Captain.
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.