Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:46 PM GMT
See Also: 'Twisted' Episode Guide
All: Surprise! Happy birthday, Kes!
Janeway: I'm your mother figure.
Paris: I'm not-so-subtly coming on to you.
Neelix: I'm jealous.
Doc: I'm the surly comic relief.
Kes: Yet another day of radical character development in the Delta Quadrant.
Kim: Puhleeease can't I go to Kes' surprise party? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?
Tuvok: All right, but you know I'm the designated party pooper. I'll find a way to --
Kim: Yippee! Surprise party!
Computer: Look, Harry, it's a conveniently timed spatial anomaly to interrupt your festivities!
Tuvok: Ha ha. Thanks, that was a good one.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Captain, we've encountered yet another weird anomaly...anomaly...anomaly....
Janeway: It must be affecting the comm system.
Tuvok: Nah, I just thought that would be a more dramatic way to tell you.
Janeway: Okay, let's split up so we can all get humorously lost.
Torres: I think the ship has been rearranged somehow.
Janeway: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Doc: Yeah. It's more likely that you're all nuts.
Janeway: Okay, the second stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Baxter: Wow, we all seem to be lost and walking in circles.
Chakotay: Do I know you?
Baxter: Geez, you've run into me four or five times already this episode.
Chakotay: I have no idea what you're talking about. You're crazy.
Baxter: Oh yeah? You just wait until virtual season 8. You'll worship me as a god! A god, I tell you!
Kim: So, Captain...crawling through a small, dark, cramped space all alone.
Janeway: For the last time, Harry, your job is to fall for hopeless women and get injured by aliens and weird anomalies, not start a 'ship.
Kim: Oh, look -- here's the door to the bridge. Quick, you go through first before we scan the other side.
Janeway: Okay -- Aaaaaaaaa!
Kim: Thanks for taking care of that for me. Now to find a hopeless woman....
Kim: The Captain's gone bonkers, Commander.
Chakotay: Sweet! And that's Captain Commander to you.
Janeway: Kretob dret af shizark drit blar numitrad.
Tuvok: She says she's still better fit to command the ship than you.
Chakotay: So...Neelix has disappeared and I'm in command.
Torres: What are we going to do?
Chakotay: About what?
Janeway: Hufer cril abarzutak sharf murak jarkel.
Chakotay: I'll do the only incoherent babbling around here, thank you very much.
Torres: We've constructed a schematic of the ship.
Paris: Wow, it seems to be altered...you might even say it's twisted.
Torres: Thanks, moron, nobody understood the title.
Kim: B'Elanna, would you say that you're a "hopeless woman"?
Torres: The ship's not the only thing that's twisted....
Torres: All right, we're ready to try my explosion idea.
Chakotay: (over the comm) Explosion? That sounds dangerous. You must mean implosion.
Torres: Uh oh.
Tuvok: I say we should just do nothing.
Chakotay: What the heck kind of logic is that?
Tuvok: If we're doing nothing I don't have to follow your orders.
Tuvok: You suck.
Chakotay: Thanks. So do you.
Kim: I'm a wuss.
Paris: We know.
Janeway: Blirkel andarf ish cartin mukel.
Distortion Ring: Ready or not, here I come!
Torres: This had better not be cliché.
Paris: You mean like nothing happens and then it turns out it was just trying to communicate with us?
Distortion Ring: Uh....
Torres: Turns out it was just another weird lifeform trying to communicate.
Janeway: Oh no! I'm on the wrong series!
Torres: Relax, it just sounds like TNG.
Janeway: Phew. All right then. Engage! And get me some Earl Grey tea.
(The Enterprise -- I mean Voyager -- blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.