ThresholdBy J.D. Curran
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:50 PM GMT
See Also: 'Threshold' Episode Guide
Paris: We're approaching Warp 10. Uh-oh, the shuttle's breaking up!
Kim: Oh, no! We're gonna die! AAAUGH!
Torres: Relax, Harry, it's a holodeck simulation.
Kim: Wow, a holodeck with working safety protocols. Who'd've thought?
Torres: What if we parxilize the transfloobers?
Kim: Then the gargletrons will be out of flux.
Paris: Maybe Neelix can help.
Neelix: Sure, I love technobabble! Let's see...Claritin olestra high-test pringles! Hee hee!
Torres: Well, when you do it, it sounds stupid.
Torres: There! That's Warp 10! And we're okay!
Kim: And the holodeck knows just what Warp 10 will look like, too!
Paris: Quick, let's do a real flight before we consider the horrible consequences.
Paris: I wanna make a historic flight.
Janeway: Have you considered the horrible consequences?
Paris: At Warp 10, I'll be everwhere in the universe at once! Even inside you, Captain!
Janeway: You? Inside me? That'll be the day.
Paris: I wanna make a historic flight.
Doc: We'll send Harry instead.
Paris: NO! I wanna! Me, me, me!
Doc: There's a 2% chance you'll die.
Paris: What? You're reading that wrong; there's a 2% chance I'll survive.
Doc: Well, bon voyage, then!
Paris: Yeeehaaah! Oh, my God...
Janeway: Tom's shuttle just disappeared! We have to find him!
Tuvok: I'll put it on my to-do list.
Chakotay: At Warp 10, Tom could be anywhere. We'll never find him.
Tuvok: Actually, at Warp 10, he should be everywhere, so he should be right here.
Janeway: So either way, looking for him is pointless. Agreed?
Chakotay and Tuvok: Agreed.
Kim: Hey, he's back. Doing nothing worked.
Doc: He's asleep. I'll revive him.
Paris: Ow! Okay, I'm awake. (SLAP) Ow! (SLAP) Ow! (SLAP) Ow!
Janeway: Continue your treatment. I'll be on the bridge.
(SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP)
Tuvok: The shuttle mapped the entire universe.
Chakotay: Great! No more surprises for the rest of our trip.
Kim: I sure hope we don't forget about this; we might have to build an Astrometrics lab then.
Paris: That totally rocked! I was everywhere at once, even Earth!
Tuvok: Did you tell them where we are?
Chakotay: But at least you bragged about reaching Warp 10.
Paris: Well, no.
Kim: You did bring us souvenirs, right?
Janeway: Remind me again why you took this flight.
Janeway: This event will stand with some of the most memorable in history.
Paris: Yeah. Wilbur Wright...Neil Armstrong...Zephram Cochrane ...
Janeway: I was thinking "Spock's Brain"..."Shades of Gray"..."Let He Who is Without Sin..."...
Paris: I'm so cool, I'm so great, me, me, me ...
Neelix: Let's celebrate! Have a snack.
Paris: Thanks! Ack! Gag! Barf!
Torres: Ew! He's mutating, so we can't even transport him to sickbay!
Kim: No transporters? Gosh, we must've blown this episode's budget on animatronic lizards or something.
Doc: Well, you're allergic to air and water, and you look gross. Happy?
Paris: Ack! Barf! I want pizza!
Doc: Pizza's made mostly of water-- Oh, why not? Computer, one large pizza!
Paris: Thanks, Doc! BARFBARFBARFBARF...
Kes: Can I please have just one line?
Janeway: What's Tom's status, Doctor?
Doc: He's falling apart.
Paris: No, I'm fine! (SNAP)
Janeway: Tom, your tongue just fell out.
Paris: Thath's okay. (SNAP)
Janeway: Tom, your ears just fell off.
Paris: Can I have a touching deathbed scene?
Doc: It took hours, but I just completed the most bizarre death certificate in history.
Paris: Hey, y'all! I'm not dead anymore!
Doc: Oh, dammit.
Janeway: Tom's weird.
Jonas: Seska, Tom travelled at Warp 10!
Seska: Well, that completely changes 100% of nothing.
Janeway: Tom, we're worried about you.
Tom: Then I'll escape in a shuttle. Wanna come? Ha! Trick question!
Janeway: Wha-- I'm on a shuttle.
Paris: And I'm at the wheel! Computer, play some music!
Music: Love/Exciting and new ...
Janeway: Where are we going?
Paris: Relax, mama. It's the journey, not the destination.
Janeway: Was it necessary to install a waterbed in the shuttle?
Paris: Here we go, Warp 10 again!
Janeway: Oh, far out.
Music: THE LOOOVE BOAT/Soon we'll be making another run...
Doc: It turns out Tom's mutation was a natural reaction.
Chakotay: To Neelix's cooking?
Doc: To Warp 10 travel, silly!
Kim: This has to be our stupidest misadventure ever.
Chakotay: Pshaw! After "Spirit Folk," this episode will seem Hugo-worthy.
Chakotay: Let's find them.
Tuvok: Let's not and say we did.
Chakotay: Hey, those glassy-eyed reptiles look familiar.
Tuvok: Yeah, they remind me of you.
Chakotay: It's the mutated remains of Tom and the Captain.
Tuvok: And their offspring.
Offspring: We wanna go swim!
Janeway Lizard: Ask your father.
Paris Lizard: What, everything has to be my decision?
Chakotay: Just beam 'em up already.
Janeway: Sex was fun, Tom. Here's a commendation.
Tuvok: It seems that mating with the Captain brings rewards.
Chakotay: Hmm...that's food for thought....
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
J.D. Curran is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.