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The Trek Nation - The Gift

The Gift

By J.D. Curran
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:09 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Gift' Episode Guide

Janeway: You're becoming human.
Seven: We don't want to.
Janeway: Who's "we"?

Doc: The procedure will be delicate. Let's rip her skull off.
Kes: Cool. And my psychic abilities are amazing!
Doc: Oh.

Chakotay: The ship's a mess.
Janeway: I blame the crew. Oh, and I want to be a maternal figure for Seven.
Chakotay: You want to be wet nurse to that?

Doc: I'll operate if you say so, Captain.
Janeway: So.
Doc: Here we go. Whoops, she's dead. We need a miracle.
Kes: (blink) Done!
Doc: I'll call this "Deus Kes Machina".

Doc: Captain, I'm going to make Seven a babe.
Tuvok: And Kes is dangerous.
Janeway: I just know there's a connection here.

Seven: AAAUGH!
Janeway: Don't panic! The Doctor is removing your Borg implants.
Doc: And I gave you some non-Borg implants, too!
Seven: AAAUGH!

Torres: I can't fix the engines.
Seven: That's because you suck.
Harry: Will you be my wet nurse?

Tuvok: Huh huh huh. Fire is cool. Huh huh.
Kes: Heh heh heh! Yeah! Let's burn something! Heh heh heh!
(LANTERN EXPLODES)

Torres: There's a sparzle in the spangotron. Why can't I demoxilize it?
Seven: As I explained earlier, you su--
Torres: Just unsuckify it.
Seven: I'll need an easily-incapacitated weenie to assist me.
Torres: Harry, you're with Seven.

Harry: My love interests of late have all been disasters.
(WHACK)
Seven: Your streak continues. Calling all Borg...

Tuvok: Security alert! Comm system in use during peak hours!
Kes: (blink) 'Sokay.
Tuvok: She worships the ground I walk on, and she's omnipotent. Let's get rid of her.

Janeway: Whassup?
Seven: Grrr.

Neelix: Have some champagne, Kes.
Kes: (slurp) I love you, Neelix.
Neelix: Woo-hoo! Beer goggles! Mission accomplished!
Kes: Plus I'm glowing and I'm warping the whole ship!
Neelix: Darn! I knew I should've stuck with Fuzzy Navels.

Janeway: Kes is destroying the ship.
Doc: What can I say? She's one mean drunk.
Kes: Hic!
(CONSOLES EXPLODE)
Janeway: New rule: no alcohol for crewmen nine years old and younger.
Kes: Oh, poo!
Doc: Nothing can help.
Janeway: How about some black coffee?
Doc: Is that your solution to everything?
Kes: Hic!
(INSTRUMENTS EXPLODE)

Seven: Being human sucks!
Janeway: Cheer up! If you become human, you can be just like me!
Seven: Big incentive.

Janeway: You're dangerous.
Kes: So I should leave, right?
Janeway: We'll say it was your idea.
Kes: This is an exciting time for me, Captain. I'm experiencing--
Janeway: We've taken the liberty of packing your bags, Kes.

Kes: Hic! (BOOM) Bye! Bye, now! I'll miss--Hic! (BOOM) --miss you!
Janeway: Keep moving, Kes.
Kes: Hic! (BOOM) Hic! (BOOM) Hic! (BOOM)

Chakotay: Kes is gone, but we're still in Borg space.
Tuvok: Incoming message from our producers. Repeated encounters with the Borg will drain our fiscal reserves.
Kes: My gift to you. (blink)
Tom: Hey, no more Borg!
Seven: Look at me! I'm a statuesque blond with pouty lips and a silver lamé catsuit!
Janeway: All is well.
Tuvok: May we long remember Kes.
Janeway: Who?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed -- though not so ludicrous as a moment ago)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


J.D. Curran is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.