CaretakerBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:25 PM GMT
Chakotay: Ha! Chakotay 1, Cardassians 0!
Tuvok: (detecting the wave) Um, you might want to reconsider that....
Janeway: Here's the deal -- betray your Maquis pals, and I'll bust you out of here.
Paris: No. On second thought, yes.
Shuttle Girl: There's Voyager. Ain't she a beaut?
Paris: Will you go out with me?
Shuttle Girl: No.
Quark: Unless you pay a lot of money for this box of junk, you'll be a backstabbing, ungrateful slug.
Harry: Anything but that! Take all my money!
Tom: Hey big-ears, I just saw that same junk for twice the price.
Quark: What? They're getting away with that? Excuse me while I kill them.
Harry: Wow, you saved me and got away with calling Quark "big-ears"!
Tom: Actually, I was talking to you. Hey, wanna be Voyager's version of Bashir and O'Brien?
Harry: Works for me.
CMO: Hello, Paris. I, like most of the crew, am prejudiced against you.
Paris: Big deal, you're scheduled to die in five minutes.
Mark: You know, honey, they say a fool and her dog are soon parted.
Janeway: So what? Bye now.
Harry: One green young ensign reporting for duty, sir!
Janeway: Call me Captain.
Tom: No, ma'am.
Harry: Two guys who are about to die just told me your terrible secret. Is it true?
Janeway: Well, here we are in the Badlands.
Cavit: Uh oh, a tetrion beam! I'd better die heroically now.
CMO and Chief Engineer: Us too.
Harry: Oh no, we're on the other side of the galaxy!
Tom: And Shuttle Girl's dead. There goes my date.
Harry: Computer, activate EMH.
Doc: Hey you, you're an idiot! Yeah, you. And you too. And your friend over there.
Harry: Look, can you just help these people?
Doc: Everyone's a critic.
Janeway: What the hell is that thing?
Tom: I dunno, but it's abducting us one by one. Oops, there I go.
Harry: Hey, we're in Iowa.
Janeway: That's nice. Let's annoy the locals by piercing their illusion of an idyllic landscape so they'll drop the whole charade and start poking us with things.
Tom: Sounds like a plan. I know, let's go sneak around in that barn.
Harry: AAAAAA! A sharp thing! That hurts! Owie owie owie!
Janeway: Whew! We're back.
Tom: Harry's not.
Janeway: Well, 129 out of 130 ain't bad. Hail those Maquis.
Chakotay: Hello, fascist Starfleet oppressor woman.
Janeway: Hello, traitorous Maquis insurgent man. Wanna come aboard?
(They beam aboard)
Janeway: Welcome to our battered ship. By the way, Tuvok's a spy.
Tuvok: Ha! Tuvok 1, Chakotay 0!
Chakotay: Shut up, you. Hey, it's Tom Paris! Time to exhibit festering revulsion for him.
Janeway: Hmm...the Array seems strangely quiet this time of year.
Tom: Can you help us find our friends, Mr. Old Geezer?
Caretaker: Not particularly. I need their bodily fluids to reproduce.
Tom: Whoa! More than I needed to know.
Harry: Hey, let me out of here!
Janeway: I feel really guilty about losing Harry Kim so soon.
Janeway: Never mind. Ominous dialogue, end of part 1.
Neelix: Welcome to part 2, and get out of my junkyard!
Janeway: Want us to give you everything you need for free?
Neelix: I grudgingly accept.
Tuvok: Welcome to Voyager. I'm Tuvok, but you can call me Spock.
Neelix: Hi, I'm Neelix. You can call me McCoy.
Harry: Are you sane yet?
B'Elanna: Barely. Don't shoot.
Harry: Shoot? Heck no. Let's become an unlikely link between the Starfleet crew and the Maquis.
Ocampan: Welcome to Ocampa. You have a couple of days left to live, but we'll make them really nice days.
Neelix: Hi, Mr. Vulcan Man. Are we there yet?
Tuvok: Geez, put some clothes on!
Neelix: Hi, Kazon dudes. Mind if I doublecross these nice folks and steal your Ocampan slave?
Kazon: Can we keep the water?
Janeway: You jerk! You nearly got us killed!
Neelix: Yeah, but you're getting Kes out of it!
Tom: You know, he's got a point.
Kes: Why do I get the feeling I'm going to function mainly as a love interest?
Janeway: Well, here we are underground among the Ocampans.
Tuvok: The Caretaker's dying.
Janeway: Sucks to be him. Come to think of it, sucks to be us too.
Paris: Now that we're safely out of there, let's not be safely out of there.
Neelix: Good idea. Let's go back for Janeway and those other guys.
Janeway: Neelix, help me save Tuvok! Tom, go be a hero!
Chakotay: Oh great, now I'll be in his debt. Better make some Native American jokes.
Doc: Turn me off!
Harry: Nope. Bye!
Janeway: Zap those Kazon, I'm gonna go visit the geezer again.
Harry: Gotcha. Phasers on maximum zap.
Chakotay: I'd better make a suicide run at the Array so I won't have a ship anymore.
Janeway: Can you send us home?
Caretaker: Technically, yes.
Tuvok: You're not gonna do it, are you?
Caretaker: Excuse me while I die.
Chakotay: Damn, there goes my ship. Oh well.
Kazon: Hey, we're crashing into the Array! That's no fun!
Janeway: Excellent! We just blew up our last chance to get home!
Other Kazon: You guys really, really suck! Just for that, we'll provide an ineffective recurring menace for two whole seasons!
Chakotay: Bite me. What's the worst you can do, convince my girlfriend to defect?
Janeway: Well, Tom, you're the pilot now. Don't blow it.
Tom: Bite me. What's the worst you can do, demote me?
Janeway: Been nice knowing you guys, but we gotta go.
Neelix: Can we come too?
Kes: Pretty please?
Janeway: Oh, all right. Just don't let me catch you cooking.
Tuvok: Time for you to give a big inspiring speech, Captain.
Janeway: We're alone. Let's go home.
Tom: Oo, I'm so inspired.
(Voyager blasts off for the Alpha Quadrant at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.