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The Trek Nation - Tattoo

Tattoo

By Celeste
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:47 PM GMT

See Also: 'Tattoo' Episode Guide

Tuvok: Commander, look -- it's another one of those symbols from the Alpha Quadrant.
Chakotay: Damn, not another one of these episodes.
Tuvok: 'Fraid so.
Chakotay: Oh well. I'll take what I can get.

Young Chakotay: Ahh! Ahhh! An ugly green thing!
Kolopak: That's called a lizard.
Young Chakotay: Ahh! Ahhh! What is it standing on?
Kolopak: It's a tree stump, with symbols on it.
Young Chakotay: I feel such empathy for that tree.

Wildman: I've been having pregnancy pains.
Doc: Meh.
Wildman: But I --
Doc: Zip it!
Kes: Doctor, stop being so evil! I'm going to really, really stamp my foot this time.
Doc: It's still season two -- I'm allowed to be evil. Plus I get to talk in this really deep voice that makes me sound cool and evily.
Kes: If I'm sharing the B plot with you, I get to be evil too.
Doc: That comes later.

Chakotay: So, my father used to drag me on these expeditions into the rubber tree people's forest to find the lost members of our tribe.
Janeway: Yes, I see the family resemblance.
Chakotay: Sky spirits created us in their image then led the --
Janeway: Wait, wait. Is this another one of those "Chakotay's tribal tales that mean nothing" stories?
Chakotay: Why as a matter of fact....
Janeway: You want to skip the story and go straight to finding the planet these sky spirits live on so we can speed up this God awful episode?
Chakotay: If we must.

Kim: We've found the planet, but there are no lifesigns.
Paris: Harry, it's always a cloaking device when you can't find lifesigns. You should know this already.
Janeway: Boys, we're gonna have to take an away team down to find out for sure.
Kim: Oo, oo! Can I go? Pick me! Me!
Torres: (over the comm) Bridge, transporters won't work. We're gonna have to take a shuttle.
Chakotay: I'll fly!
Kim: On second thought, I think I'll pass. Neelix said he wanted to go.

Young Chakotay: (whines) Now it's raining, and I'm getting eaten alive by bugs. Can we please go home? Please please please?
Kolopak: When you came out of your mother upside-down I knew you would be a contrary. So I told your mother --
Young Chakotay: Oh great, not this story again. Stop! You've told me a thousand times.
Kolopak: One day Chakotay, one day you will grow up to be exactly like me.
Young Chakotay: Pfft. I'd have to be pretty drunk to get a tattoo that stupid.

Torres: Okay, so sensors can't see anything outside the shuttle.
Chakotay: Okay. I'll just scan the landing site.
Torres: I just told you we couldn't see anything with the sensors.
Chakotay: Shh, Neelix is turning green back there.
Sky Spirit: (heavy breathing) Chakotay... I am your Native American ancestor.
Chakotay: Nooooo! I mean... oops. Going down.

Doc: Please state the nature of the medical -- Aaachooo!
Kes: (wipes off her shirt) Eww. I didn't think holograms could get sick.
Doc: I've infected myself with the flu for 29 hours. I'll learn compassion and things from it. And guess what? It comes with the great perk of being able to make weird sounds with my nose!
Kes: Eww again.

Chakotay: Well, we landed safetly. See -- you're fine, Neelix.
Neelix: Well what about that giant bird that keeps circling overhead?
Chakotay: That? I wouldn't worry about it.
Hawk: Screech!
Neelix: Ow!

Chakotay: All right, I want everyone to disarm and show them we mean no harm.
Tuvok: Nooooo, I like my phaser.
Chakotay: Do it Tuvok, or I will go sky spirit on your arse so fast....
Tuvok: Waaah. Fine.

Young Chakotay: Another flashback. Look, I just want to get out of here.
Kolopak: Chakotay, how can you not like these people? We get to run around naked with face paint! Wheeee!
Young Chakotay: (groans) I don't know you.

Tuvok: Commander, my tricorder is picking up a huge gust of wind.
Chakotay: Geez Tuvok, you need a tricorder to tell you that?

Chakotay: All right, everyone back to the shuttle!
Sky Spirits: (singing) George, George, George of the jungle, watch out for that tree!
(THUMP)
Chakotay: Oomph.

Kim: I've got Tuvok and B'Elanna, but we've only got Chakotay's combadge. It must have fallen off.
Janeway: Cheap plastic things. I told Starfleet not to buy combadges off of Ferengi.

Doc: Keeeees, I'm dying. I'm fading away into nothingness. This flu should have been gone an hour ago. Help meeee!
Kes: What'll you give me?
Doc: Anything you want just please, make it stop. Make it stop!
Kes: Can I have your office?
Doc: Yes.
Kes: Ah ha! I added two more hours to your program, you'll be fine in 45 minutes. I love being evil! Now let's go redecorate.

Chakotay's Personal Log: Owies, trees hurt.

Sky Spirits: Become one with the trees, Chakotay.
Chakotay: Not a problem.

Janeway: All right, if we can't beam up Chakotay, let's take the whole ship into the storm.
Torres: Captain, don't you think that if we enter the atmosphere the same thing will happen again and we'll fly horribly out of control?
Janeway: Quiet you, where's your sense of adventure?

Chakotay: Hey! It's that same cave that we've seen in twenty other episodes. I wonder what will be in it this time?

Kim: That storm is getting worse just like B'Elanna said.
Janeway: B'Elanna said something?
Paris: Umm, I thought you might like to know that we're stuck in a tornado and inertial dampeners are offline.
Janeway: Wheee!

Sky Spirit: Who has entered our sacred cave?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spiriy: I'm sorry, what?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spirit: Say again?
Chakotay: Chamunze.
Sky Spirit: Is that all you can say?
Chakotay: Chamunze.

Torres: Captain, we can't go to warp without inertial dampeners and it's going to take me twenty minutes to get those back online.
Paris: Ten minutes till we hit the planet.
Janeway: Mr Paris, take us into a nose dive straight for the planet.
Paris: What's that going to do?
Janeway: If we're going down, I'm taking a part of this planet with me.

Sky Spirit: It's time for the handshake of doom so I can tell you the history of your people fiver style. We came to your planet, said you were special, then left you all alone to defend yourselves against the white man.
Chakotay: Man, don't you think you could have helped?
Sky Spirit: Nah, but I will stop that storm so your ship doesn't take out our planet.
Chakotay: Yay.

Captain's Log: Chakotay had to be a hero and stop me from crashing the ship. He'll pay.

Chakotay: Can I tell you a touching story about how my father is dead now but this is the time when I really want to get back in touch with him and tell him how much I love him?
Sky Spirit: Um...hey, look! A hawk!
Chakotay: What? Where?
(The Sky Spirit runs away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Celeste is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.