ShatteredBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:55 PM GMT
See Also: 'Shattered' Episode Guide
Naomi: And then this piece goes with that piece!
Icheb: You're missing the point.
Naomi: Bite me.
Chakotay: Don't mind me, guys, just grabbing some booze.
Janeway: Nothing like a dinner full of J/C innuendo.
Chakotay: I'll say. Let's just hope we don't hit a time warp or something.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Captain, I have a time warp to report.
Torres: Okay, we need a volunteer to get hit by a beam of temporal energy.
Chakotay: Oo! Pick me!
Chakotay: Yow! What happened to me, Doc?
Doc: Shut up, I've got griping to do. Gripegripegripegripe....
Chakotay: Hi guys. What's up?
Janeway: Hey, it's the traitorous Maquis insurgent man! Seize him!
Chakotay: Where? Oh, you meant me. In that case, let me explain--
Janeway: Fat chance. Guards, take him to the brig, and try not to mysteriously disappear on the way.
Chakotay: Well, here I am in Engineering.
Seska: Me too!
Chakotay: Swell. In that case, let me explain--
Seska: I'd much rather take you hostage.
Chakotay: Okay, but only if I get to escape a couple of minutes later.
Doc: So the ship is split into different time zones, you say?
Chakotay: Yep. One might almost say it's been "shattered."
Doc: You just had to explain the title, didn't you?
Janeway: Hey, it's Traitor Man again! Get him out of here!
Chakotay: Hold it! I'm from the future. To prove this, I will reveal that your real weight is--
Janeway: Um, let's go to my ready room. Now.
Chakotay: So, do you believe my ridiculous story?
Janeway: Hmm...not yet. Might help if you strongarmed me into the corridor and forcibly injected me with the temporal serum.
Chakotay: Wouldn't that security guard object?
Andrews: Who, me? Don't sweat it, I have no will of my own.
Janeway: Okay, I believe you now. But don't tell me anything more about the future.
Chakotay: Because of the Temporal Prime Directive?
Janeway: No, because I like being surprised when I cross into new time zones. Whee!
Future Naomi: Hi, guys! We're the crew of "Voyager: the Next Generation."
Chakotay: Awww...they're so cute together, too.
Future Icheb: Shut up! We get enough of that from the I/Ners of the future.
Janeway: YIKES! Scary evil Borg-type people!
Seven: I'd resent that comment if it weren't irrelevant. What do you two want?
Chakotay: A technobabble solution to this temporal mixup would be nice.
Seven: You're in luck -- I have one on the shelf here.
Janeway: Just how many Borg are we going to run into?
Janeway: Never mind. At least nobody'll get assimilated.
Janeway: You need to increase your vocabulary, pal. How 'bout quoting Dante at me? I'll throw in some J/C innuendo....
Doc: And then we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: Hey, shut up! She wasn't supposed to hear that!
Doc: The plot's not going to further itself, now is it?
Chakotay: A macrovirus! Run!
Janeway: Awwww, can't I beat it up?
Chakotay: You're not scheduled to do that for three seasons.
Dr. Chaotica: Queen Arachnia! We meet at last!
Chakotay: Didn't you meet her back in Season 5?
Dr. Chaotica: Well, yeah, but this is the first time in a Five-minute parody.
Janeway: What the heck is a Five-minute parody?
Chakotay: It's a long story.
Dr. Chaotica: No, it's a short story.
Chakotay: Shut up.
Janeway: Why is my transporter room full of Maquis?
Torres: Hey, it's Captain Pinhead! I think I'll insult her for a while.
Chakotay: Knock it off, B'Elanna! You're spoiling the J/C mood.
Paris: Captain! Glad you could make it. I'm selling tickets to Tuvok's death scene for $5.50, want one?
Janeway: Tuvok! Oh no!
Tuvok: Captain...I've always wanted to tell you...um...er...anybody know some memorable last words?
Chakotay: Try "You'll always live on in my heart."
Janeway: I think I'm supposed to say that one.
Tuvok: Oh, forget it. GAK!
Janeway: It sounds to me like this whole Voyager thing was a big mistake.
Chakotay: What are you, a basher? I'd better change your mind with a speech.
Chakotay: So will you help me? Pretty please?
Seska: Okay. But I'll betray you too.
Janeway: We can't have that, can we? CHARGE!
Seska: I laugh at your army of temporal fugitives. Hahahaha!
Seven: Hey Cardassian Traitor Girl, guess what's futile?
Seska: Aw, nuts.
Janeway: So, do you and I ever get it on in the future?
Janeway: Whew! I was worried for a minute there.
Janeway: What the heck just happened?
Chakotay: I'm not telling. Nyaa nyaa.
Janeway: Eh, no biggie. Let's just go finish that dinner full of J/C innuendo.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.