Sacred GroundBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:00 PM GMT
See Also: 'Sacred Ground' Episode Guide
Neelix: Oo, nice shrine.
Kes: I think I'll walk in and get zapped.
Torres: Hey, what happened to Kes?
Nakami: The shrine zapped her.
Kim: Cool! How does it work?
Doc: She's down, but not quite out.
Janeway: Oh, go find something to do.
Nakami: Sorry your crew member's dead.
Janeway: But can't you do anything to help us?
Nakami: Not me. Try the monks.
Janeway: Anything to report?
Doc: Kes isn't getting any better, and B'Elanna and Harry are whining.
Neelix: Me too! Don't forget me!
Neelix: ...and then the King went through the ritual and the gods spared his son.
Janeway: So we know how to get a son spared, but what about Kes?
Janeway: I'm going through their ritual.
Chakotay: I thought you didn't like religion.
Janeway: I like it when it's useful. Otherwise it can bite me.
Nakami: The monks are really looking forward to putting you through the potentially-agonizing ritual.
Janeway: Hey, give back my tricorder!
Janeway: Guess that makes you my guide.
Janeway: Quit stripping me!
Guide: Hey, loosen up. This is your only semi-nude scene this season.
Janeway: Been here long?
Old People: Forever.
Janeway: Uh oh. Can I go now?
Guide: So what do you wanna do?
Janeway: I dunno, what do you wanna do?
Guide: This could go on all day. Here, have a hallucinogenic rock.
Chakotay: Whoa! What's happening to her?
Doc: Don't worry, she's probably just under intense physical and mental pressure.
Guide: Having fun?
Neelix: Waaa! It's just not fair!
Doc: Oh, shut up.
Guide: Ready to enter the spirit realm?
Guide: Okay, just stick your hand in here.
Janeway: OW! That's not the spirit realm!
Guide: Not particularly. Excuse me while I bury you alive.
Doc: She's fine.
Chakotay: But she's been down there poisoned for three days!
Doc: Seriously, she's fine.
Chakotay: Okay, but I'm staying here to bug you till she gets back.
Guide: Hi! How're you doing?
Janeway: Been better. Can I make my wish now?
Janeway: I wish Kes were conscious again.
Guide: The ancestral spirits say you can do it yourself.
Guide: How'd it go?
Janeway: I won.
Guide: Good for you. Bye now.
Doc: She's fine. Told you so.
Chakotay: Oh, shut up.
Janeway: So can you fix Kes now?
Doc: Yep. Hang on a sec....
Doc: Oops. Um, did anyone have a plan B?
Janeway: So that was all for nothing?
Guide: Yep. In your face!
Old People: What're you gonna do now?
Janeway: I have no idea.
Old People: Try taking her back into the shrine.
Janeway: Wouldn't that zap us both?
Old People: Only if you expect it to.
Janeway: Might as well, then.
Chakotay: This is crazy!
Janeway: No, it's not!
Neelix: Yes, it is!
Guide: They both suck. Just do it.
Kes: Whoa! That's much better.
Doc: ...and so the isofloozels garxed the micropleem, and that made the zap fix you.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.