RiddlesBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:44 PM GMT
See Also: 'Riddles' Episode Guide
Neelix's Log: Tuvok and I are returning from a meeting on a planet full of cigarette-smoking men.
Neelix: Would you like to play a game, Tuvok?
Tuvok: What sort of game?
Neelix: It likes riddles, praps it does, does it?
Tuvok: Gollum, The Hobbit, Tolkien.
Neelix: That's not what I meant.
Neelix: Tuvok, would you mind if I came back there, so we can talk?
Tuvok: (over the comm) AAAH! THE PAIN, OH GOD, THE PAIN!
Neelix: A simple "no" would've sufficed.
Doctor: Tuvok's in shock.
Janeway: I just knew we shouldn't have left with him alone with Neelix for so long.
Naroq: I believe Tuvok was attacked by a race called the Ba'Neth, the shadow people.
Janeway: Shadows? Is this a Babylon 5 ripoff?
Naroq: I don't think that's the show being ripped off, but, either way, the truth is out there.
Neelix: Computer, play chant.
Monks: VENI, VENI VULCANIAN! CAPTIVUM SOLVE VULCAN!
Doctor, Neelix, and Tuvok: (plugging ears) AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Neelix: Wait, Tuvok? He woke up!
Doctor: I'm certain that was just a reflex action.
Naroq: I found the Ba'Neth's shape! I am a genius!
Seven: Hey, genius, it was my idea.
Naroq: Yes, but I pulled it off.
Doctor: So it seems Tuvok really did wake up.
Neelix: Ha! Neelix 1, Doctor 0!
Neelix: And this, Tuvok, is the bridge.
Chakotay: Hi, Tuvok.
Neelix: You remember Chakotay, don't you?
Tuvok: Enough to remember I don't want to.
Seven: (over the comm) We're ready to test our Ba'Neth detector.
Janeway: Very good. Release the hounds!
Hounds: Arf arf arf!
Seven: That was supposed to be "Activate the deflector!"
Ba'Neth Vessel: ZAP! ZAP! WARP!
Neelix: Er, no. I'm not your mother.
Tuvok: Oh. My bad.
Naroq: Can you remember anything about the attack?
Tuvok: Well, I remember the wavelength was --
Naroq: TRY HARDER!
Tuvok: Aah! Mommy!
Janeway: There, there. Everything will be okay.
Kim: Heh heh. Now all you have to do in kalto is place a piece and make it into a perfect sphere.
Tuvok: Like this?
Kim: No! I was supposed to win! I was supposed to have revenge!
Tuvok: Why is that man crying?
Neelix: Look, it's your personnel file.
Tuvok: That's not me.
Neelix: Sure, it is. You may have had an accident, but you're still you.
Tuvok: Yeah, but that's Captain Janeway's file.
Neelix: I think Tuvok's change is irreversible. Like a raincoat.
Seven: Then you should help him become something new.
Neelix: Well, that was unexpectedly helpful --
Seven: ...So I can be security chief.
Neelix: Never mind.
Tuvok: Here, I made you this flower.
Neelix: Uh... thanks.
Tuvok: Now could we spend a lot of time together doing the things you like to do?
Neelix: Er, can't we just be friends?
Tuvok: Here, Captain. Have some pie.
Janeway: Mmmm... pie. Now about that frequency you saw before you got shot?
Tuvok: Here, let me draw it on this cake.
Janeway: Gasp. It's a sinusoidal cloaking frequency!
Tuvok: With mint frosting.
Kim: Cloaked Ba'Neth space station up ahead.
Janeway: Shadows and a space station? Are you sure this isn't Babylon 5?
Naroq: The truth is out there.
Janeway: Hail it.
Ba'Neth: (over the comm) What do you want?
Janeway: Ha! See? Babylon 5.
Ba'Neth: If you want to cure Tuvok, you must surrender the photolytic converter.
Naroq: Hey, that's my photolytic converter! Don't I get a say?
Janeway: Not really.
Neelix: Ready to reset the status quo?
Tuvok: Not really, but I remember how "Tuvix" went, so let's go.
Neelix: Glad to see you're all better.
Tuvok: Neelix, I'm only going to say this once: It never happened.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.