ResolutionsBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:53 PM GMT
See Also: 'Resolutions' Episode Guide
Doc: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain -- you and Chakotay are marooned forever on this romantic planet.
Janeway: Oh, come on. We both know I'll be back on the ship by the end of the episode.
Doc: Yeah, but we have to start the J/C movement somehow.
Chakotay: It won't be so bad -- check out all this technology. Hey, we've even got a shuttle!
Janeway: Don't you even think about it, Crash Man.
Tuvok: Well, those two have held us up long enough. I say we get the lead out.
Janeway: Bye everybody!
Chakotay: Hey! Don't I get to say goodbye too?
Janeway: Nah, you're boring. Now Tuvok, don't forget -- no playing with the Vidiians.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Aw.
Kim: Come on, will you please help me convince Tuvok?
Torres: No. I'm...uh...too shy. Yes, that will do.
Chakotay: I just built us a shelter. See how manly I am?
Janeway: Go away, I have bug traps to set.
Kim: A Vidiian convoy! Hey Tuvok, check it out!
Tuvok: I think not.
Kim: Then you suck! Right, everybody?
Tuvok: That does it, get outta here. And it's Captain Tuvok to you.
Kim: Then why are you still in yellow?
Tuvok: Don't ask questions.
Chakotay: Come on, Katy, it's about time we gave the J/Cers something to chew on.
Janeway: Um...uh...hey look, a monkey!
Kim: Being relieved of duty bites.
Hogan: Don't worry, Harry, you're very popular among the losers on the ship.
Tuvok: Enough! I'm not going to disobey orders just because you keep complaining about it!
Kim: Okay, I'll complain about other stuff. For example, you're a big stupid jerk and I don't like you. And you're boring and annoying. And your ears are too sharp.
Kim: Not really, but it's time to switch back to the J/C plot.
Chakotay: My people have a legend about this guy named Chakotay and this woman named Janeway who got marooned and fell in love and had lots of--
Janeway: Very nice, but what does it have to do with us?
Monkey: Eep! Eep!
Janeway: Hey, the monkey's trying to communicate! Cool!
Monkey: Eep! Oooooooga!
Janeway: Why are you pointing that way, little fella? What are you trying to say?
Monkey: There's a storm coming, you ditz. Yeesh.
Janeway: Oh no! The storm wrecked all my science stuff!
Chakotay: Gee, tough break. Guess things will have to get a little cozier now.
Janeway: Dream on.
Tuvok: What makes you think you can change my mind when Harry failed?
Kes: For starters, I'm way cuter than he is.
Tuvok: Good point.
Kim: Well? Can we save them now? Huh? Huh?
Tuvok: I still say you people all suck, but yes.
Kim: Ha! In your face!
Tuvok: Don't push your luck, mutiny boy.
Denara Pel: I'll bring you the magic cure right away, Schmullis.
Doc: Do you have to keep calling me that?
Janeway: Oh, I give up. It's time for me to accept the fact that I'm stuck here.
Chakotay: And J/C?
Janeway: Yeah, we'd better ambiguously kick off J/C too.
Chakotay: Woo hoo! Chakotay 1, Janeway 0! Uh, I mean....
Tuvok: We'll just glide in and pick up the medicine. Easy as pie.
Kim: AAAAAAA! A bunch of big evil Vidiian warships!
Tuvok: Details, details. Ah well, now we can do some cool FX shots.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Pack your bags, guys, it's time to blow this joint!
Janeway and Chakotay: Excellent!
Monkey: Eep ooga. Eep.
Janeway: Awwww....I'll miss you too, pal.
Monkey: I was asking if I could keep the house, you imbecile. And I'll take that as a yes.
Janeway: Ah! It's good to be back. Incidentally, in case anyone's wondering, Chakotay and I did not get it on.
Chakotay: That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Paris: Suuuuuure, we believe you.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.