RepressionBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:53 PM GMT
See Also: 'Repression' Episode Guide
Teero: Hmm...what to do today? I know, I'll start a Maquis rebellion 35,000 light-years away.
Torres: Geez, this movie is worse than "Threshold"!
Paris: That's a bit extreme. Hey, look, a comatose Maquis! You may remember him from "Nothing Human."
Chakotay: What's the diagnosis, Doc?
Doctor: He's unconscious.
Tuvok: Can I conduct the investigation? Pleeeease?
Janeway: Okay, but don't you dare become Evil Tuvok again.
Jor: It was not me. I'm way too cute to be evil.
Tuvok: That's what Ensign Kim thinks every week, and where does it get him?
Chakotay: You've made Jor a suspect? Why?
Tuvok: Mainly to annoy you. Is it working?
Jor: Hmm...the plot's not thick enough yet. Would you mind getting brutally attacked, Yosa?
Yosa: Okay, but only if you get attacked right afterwards.
Chakotay: Why are all the victims Maquis? This sucks!
Janeway: If it'll make you feel better, let's arm all the other Maquis. Just in case they want to, you know, take over the ship or something.
Maquis: You know who sucks? Tuvok sucks. Boy, does he suck. I mean, he really--
Chakotay: Shut up and take your gun. Don't forget, guys, no shooting major characters.
Everybody: Awww, not even Neelix?
Paris: According to my new holo-gizmo, the killer was roughly Tuvok-size.
Tuvok: That's a pretty vague clue.
Chell: Hi, B'Elanna! You may remember me from "Learning Curve."
Torres: The annoying Bolian?
Chell: You betcha!
Torres: Aw, geez. I'd rather be attacked by Evil Tuvok than put up with -- hey, that could work!
Kim: You read my mail?
Tuvok: And poked through your diary, and reorganized your CD collection...and don't get me started on your sock drawer.
Chakotay: Somebody attacked B'Elanna! Give me a hand, Tuvok!
Tuvok: I've got a better idea: how about I beat you up?
Chakotay: Okay, but first let me inflict a bruise for you to recognize later.
Janeway: More victims! Do you know yet who did it?
Tuvok: Some guy.
Janeway: Oh, go meditate, you moron.
Tuvok: A bruise? Oh no, it was me!
Teero: Darn right.
Tuvok: Who asked you?
Tuvok: Bad news, Captain -- it's me.
Janeway: I told you not to go evil again! Just for that, I'm reading your mail.
Janeway: This Bajoran was hidden in Tuvok's message. It must all be his fault.
Chakotay: You mean I can't blame Tuvok anymore? Aw.
Teero: Come on, do bad stuff!
Tuvok: Okay. Hey Chakotay, it's evil time!
Janeway: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Chakotay: Taking over the ship. Don't worry, you'll have it back in five minutes.
Captain's Log: Chakotay 1, everybody else 0. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Chakotay: Hey Tuvok, wanna kill Janeway?
Tuvok: Okay. DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE--hey, it isn't working.
Chakotay: It isn't? I'll have to look into that. OW!
Tuvok: That's my Extra-Pain nerve pinch. Like it?
Chakotay: Time to give the ship back, guys.
Torres: That was short. Maybe they should've made this a two-parter.
Chakotay: I'm really sorry I hijacked your ship, Captain.
Janeway: Eh, no big deal. Happens all the time.
Tuvok: ....and so Good Tuvok saved the day for once. Impressive, don't you think?
Janeway: Yeah, whatever. Let's just put on these 3D glasses so we'll look ridiculous.
(Voyager heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.