Renaissance ManBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:00 PM GMT
See Also: 'Renaissance Man' Episode Guide
Doc: I love opera! LA la la la la la la la LA....
Janeway: I am so glad we're about to get captured.
Vorik: Hi, B'Elanna! I'm back! Remember me?
Torres: Yes, you tried to mate with me by force.
Vorik: I was hoping you'd forgotten that part.
Torres: Sorry, Tom, but there are things higher on my to-do list than a romantic lunch with you. Poking myself in the eye with a pointy stick, for example.
Doc(Janeway): ....so to keep us from getting beat up, I've agreed to give away our warp core.
Chakotay: I criticize you. Gripe gripe, whine whine.
Doc(Janeway): Hypothetically, could you make it possible for me to steal the warp core singlehandedly, embarrassing you all?
Torres: Why, yes.
Chakotay: I'm worried about Janeway. Check her out.
Doc: Did you just order me to ogle the Captain?
Chakotay: Seen any cloaked fleets lately?
Seven: Words fail me. Hey, a transmission.
Ugly Alien: (over the comm) You haven't given me the core! Give me the core, you mahogany imbecile!
Seven: You've been compared to wood again, sir.
Chakotay: At least it was a classy wood this time.
Chakotay: I'm worried about you. You're acting weird and talking to yourself and I haven't seen you and Doc in the same room since you got back....
Doc(Janeway): Uh oh. Are you putting two and two together?
Chakotay: That would make four, right?
Doc(Janeway): Sigh...I guess I'd better knock you out anyway.
Doc(Janeway): Computer, secure the morgue while I put wood-boy on this slab.
Computer: Dude! He ain't dead yet! Don't do it, man!
Doc(Janeway): Did I ask for commentary?
Bad Alien: Now get me some gelpacks.
Doc: First I need to talk to Janeway.
Janeway: Doc, you're an insubordinate piece of scum.
Doc: Okay, I'm done talking to her now.
Tuvok: Hi, sir. Are you an impostor?
Doc(Chakotay): No. Go away.
Good Alien: Good job, Doc!
Janeway: Don't you think he might be tricking you?
Bad Alien: What makes you say that?
Janeway: He tricked my crew into thinking he wasn't an over-the-top character. Then came "Virtuoso."
Doc: Computer, turn me into Fat Torres.
Computer: You'd be more popular as Slim Torres.
Doc: You'd be more popular as someone who shuts up!
Paris: You know, you're beautiful when you're stealing gelpacks.
Doc(Torres): And you're...um...handsome when you're going away.
Paris: Nice try. Gimme some sugar, baby!
Kim: Yikes! Ugly Alien was really the Doctor!
Doc(Chakotay): Okay, kid, let's go to the morgue.
Kim: Can I least not actually die this time?
Doc(Chakotay): I'll think about it.
Computer: NOOOOO! Not Harry too! It's wrong to bury people alive!
Doc: What does it take to make you shut up?
Doc: Hi Tuvok. Like my steadily-growing comm badge collection?
Tuvok: No. I've seen through your evil scheme.
Doc: That's very unfortu--LOOK! Vulcan Pon Farr cheerleaders!
Tuvok: Where? Where?
Doc: Ha! Now to make good my escape.
Tuvok: Curses...he's discovered my only weakness.
Tuvok: Hey! I expected one Doc, not 101!
101 Doctors: Uh oh. Are you Cruella de Vil?
Doc(Chakotay): Everybody out so I can go ECH and steal the warp core.
ECH: There it goes. Computer, beam me to the Flyer.
Computer: No. I refuse.
ECH: Great, now I'll have to become Fat Torres again.
Doc: Here's that warp core you ordered.
Bad Alien: Cool. Now I'll capture you.
Doc: I really shouldn't have added that gullibility subroutine to my program.
Janeway: You screwed up and doomed us all!
Doc: You do that about three times a season.
Janeway: Exactly! Stop horning in on my racket!
Tuvok's Log: Isn't it cool how I get to do a log entry today? I'm special.
Paris: I found Chakotay and Harry in the morgue.
Tuvok: Their sacrifice will not be forgotten.
Paris: They aren't dead.
Seven: Doc left us a message in this off-key music.
Chakotay: Was it "I'm a lame musician"?
Doc: Let's socialize more.
Janeway: I'd rather not be seen with a lame musician.
Good Alien: We're under attack!
Bad Alien: Uh oh. Quick, screw with the Doctor's program so he'll get an amusing "death scene."
Paris: How conveeeeeenient. They left the Flyer intact.
Tuvok: Of course they did. They're renegades -- why would they throw away valuable technology?
Paris: Yeah, but...
Tuvok: It isn't a plot hole, Mr. Paris.
Tuvok: Oh, give it up!
Bad Alien: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--ow.
Good Alien: That was fun. Whom can I betray next?
Torres: Glad you're back, Doc. But you might die.
Doc: NOOOO! I must make confessions! Captain, I was suspicious of you! Tuvok, I ratted on you! Kim, you suck! Seven, I love you! Cartman, I killed Kenny! Verdi, I--
Torres: There, now you won't die.
Janeway: Hey Doc. We've been worried about you.
Janeway: Well, all but Tom. He's still mad that you didn't have any last words for him.
Doc: Ehh, no biggie. Shall we socialize?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.