Q2By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:58 PM GMT
See Also: 'Q2' Episode Guide
Icheb ....and then Spock went back in time to his youth on Vulcan....
Janeway: Hey! The animated series isn't canon.
Q Boy: Hello. I have come to make your life a living hell.
Janeway: "Q Boy"?
Q Boy: You know, like John Boy from The Waltons.
Janeway: This show isn't on TNN yet, bub.
Q Boy: You guys are boring. I'm gonna turn Engineering into a strip club.
Paris: This I gotta see!
Janeway: Sit down.
Tuvok: Maybe he'll leave if he's bored.
Torres: Good idea. Send in Chakotay!
Chakotay: Can't we try ignoring him first?
Janeway: Okay, but you're the backup plan.
Q Boy: Ha! I made your clothes disappear!
Janeway: Coffee, black.
Replicator: Here you go.
Janeway: Hey! This is tea, Earl Grey, hot!
Replicator: They say it makes your hair fall out.
Neelix: If ignoring Q Boy won't bore him, let me do it!
Janeway: Good idea.
Neelix: Blah blah blah....
Q Boy: That's it. Kiss your mouth goodbye.
Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Q: Hey, don't bug the Borg!
Q Boy: Can't I at least poke them with a pointy stick?
Q: ....so basically my son's a jerk. What do I do?
Janeway: Spend time with him.
Q: Will do.
Janeway: Rats! So much for reverse psychology.
Janeway: Get out of my tub!
Q: First give me more advice.
Janeway: Try jiggling the handle.
Q: No, parenting advice.
Janeway: Hmm...does the kid have handles?
Q: I've made you human so this crew can teach you stuff.
Q Boy: Can it get any worse than this?
Janeway: Yep -- Chakotay's your first teacher.
Q Boy: There, the holographic aliens are at peace.
Chakotay: They also have name tags that say "Hi, I've Been Modified."
Q Boy: Um...no they don't.
Janeway: You've been cheating at these tests. And you suck at doing so.
Q Boy: What did I do wrong?
Janeway: For one thing, your essay is labelled "By Icheb."
Q Boy: Oops. Well, can I have another chance?
Janeway: Just this once. But don't y'all make me change mah tone, baw.
Q Boy: Now who's not on TNN?
Q Boy: Hey, what's that noise?
Paris: What? Oh, sorry, I was singing along with my Discman again.
Icheb: Aren't you supposed to be teaching us piloting?
Paris: No, irresponsibility. I'm the ship's expert.
Q: I've returned to criticize my kid.
Janeway: Right this way.
Q Boy: ...and in conclusion, the Continuum rocks. By Icheb. I mean me.
Q: You suck.
Q Boy: Waaaaa!
Janeway: What was that for?
Q: I practise "tough love."
Janeway: More like no love.
Q: Either way.
Q Boy: Hey Itchy, let's steal the Flyer!
Icheb: Okay, Scratchy.
Q Boy: Lame.
Kim: Someone's stealing the Flyer!
Paris: Hey, I was supposed to say that!
Kim: But I wasn't in the episode! Can't I at least be in the parody?
Janeway: No. Go away.
Alien: (over the comm) You kids are under arrest!
Q Boy: Uh oh. Floor it, Itchy!
Q Boy: No, no. "Floor it" means speed up, not collapse to the floor.
Doc: Well, Borg-boy's benched.
Q: That'll learn ya.
Q Boy: Is there no way I can save him?
Q: Yes, but you'll need to go see m--I mean, that alien who is not, of course, me. Right.
Q Boy: I need to save Itchy! Punish me!
Alien: (over the comm) Congrats, you passed the test! I'm Q, by the way.
Q: Normally I'd take exception to that, but it's trial time.
Q: We find Q Boy guilty of jerkness.
Q: But he passed my test!
Q: Hmm. This complicates matters.
Q: Let's leave him human instead.
Q: Good idea. So be it!
Q: Hey! Get back here!
Janeway: Okay, that was confusing.
Q Boy: Stuck on Voyager as a human. This sucks.
Kim: I know just how you feel.
Janeway: Do I have to call security, Harry?
Q: I'm back, and you're a Q again!
Q Boy: Sweet! Bye, losers!
Q: Now that he's gone, have this quicker route to Earth.
Janeway: Thanks, but why not just send us home?
Q: I much prefer dragging out your frustration.
Janeway: You're all heart.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.