Prime FactorsBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:39 PM GMT
See Also: 'Prime Factors' Episode Guide
Torres: I hear you two were hitting on the Delaney sisters.
Tuvok: What? Paris, Kim, I hereby arrest you. Get to the brig.
Paris: "Hitting on" is a figure of speech.
Kim: And she wasn't even talking to you.
Tuvok: Your Jedi mind trick won't work on me.
Gath: (over the comm) Greetings. Want lots of stuff?
Neelix: I know these Sicarans, Captain -- they're the most ridiculously generous race in the sector. They also have a dark, dark secret.
Janeway: We've found the perfect planet!
Gath: Enjoying your paradisical shore leave?
Janeway: Very much. What did you say your name was?
Gath: Kashyk. But you can call me Jaffen.
Kim: You're hot. Let's make out.
Eudana: Sure! But first we can use this device to take us to an extremely distant planet.
Kim: Holy cow, you guys can do that?
Eudana: Yep. Can we make out now?
Kim: No, my sense of duty has taken over.
Eudana: Sigh...why do I always show them the machine first?
Janeway: I like you. You have that quality of blandness that I admire so much in a man.
Gath: And you have the quality of liking me that I admire so much in a woman. Let's make out.
Kim: Captain, these guys have a device that can send us home!
Janeway: Oh, that's good. Will you do that, honey?
Gath: Sorry, my sense of duty has taken over.
Kim: Wow, you remind me of me.
Janeway: Here's the deal: they can send us home, but they won't.
Paris: Here's the reaction: let's beat them up and take their stuff.
Tuvok: Here's the response: we're Starfleet officers, you dip.
Janeway: Have some pie, you handsome devil, you.
Gath: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were tring to butter me up to get my device. Come to think of it, I don't know better.
Torres: GRRRRR! We need that device!
Seska: I agree. Let's kill the Sicarans and drink their blood.
Torres: I'd rather find a way with less vampirism.
Seska: You're no fun.
Eudana: Jaret here can get you a device in exchange for your database.
Kim: Wow, you're great. Let's make out after all.
Eudana: You had your chance, chump. Now you can wait till "Non Sequitur."
Kim: ....which means we can get the device if we betray everyone important on the ship.
Seska: I'm all for it.
Torres: You would be.
Janeway: Can't we please have the device?
Gath: You want the device? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DEVICE!
Janeway: I don't like you. You're not bland anymore.
Torres: So which one of us beams down?
Carey: Not me. I'm scared of transporters.
Torres: Gee, that's original.
Carey: Well, excuuuuse me. I don't have a personality, so I'm stealing Barclay's.
Seska: Which he stole from Pulaski....
Torres: ....which she stole from McCoy.
Carey: Quit rubbing it in.
Tuvok: Hold it, you three. Sergeant Tuvok, VPD.
Torres: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Tuvok: Well, ma'am, we just got a call down at the station saying that you were planning to flout the law.
Torres: So you've come to arrest us?
Tuvok: Heck no. I want in.
Tuvok: Okay, betrayal complete. Now don't activate this device till I say to.
Seska: He's gone. Let's activate the device.
Torres: With you, treachery is an end in itself, isn't it?
Seska: And one that justifies all means.
Tuvok: Uh oh -- somebody on board just activated one of those devices. They must have obtained it, um, somehow.
Janeway: GASP! Chakotay, you betrayed me! How could you?
Chakotay: But -- but it wasn't --
Janeway: Denials won't change what you did. Get out of my sight.
Seska: Oh, shoot...it didn't work. We're dead!
Torres: Don't worry, I'll take full responsibility.
Seska: B'Elanna, you don't have to sacrifice yourself for us! Think of the consequences! Think of the--
Torres: You can stop pretending you're not delighted.
Seska: Okay, thanks.
Captain's Log: Hear that? That's the sound of heads rolling.
Torres: I'm really sorry, Captain.
Janeway: This is serious. "Really sorry" won't cut it.
Torres: I'm really, really, really sorry. Really.
Janeway: Apology accepted.
Tuvok: I'm really, really--
Janeway: Spare me, you backstabber. What do you have to say for yourself?
Tuvok: Um...I was only following orders. Chakotay's orders.
Janeway: You too are a victim of his lies? Sorry I got mad, old friend.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.