OneBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:23 PM GMT
See Also: 'One' Episode Guide
Doctor: This holo-program will help you learn how to interact with others in a social setting without annoying them.
Seven: Who wrote it?
Doctor: Why, me, of course.
Kim: Captain, sensors show that the nebula up ahead contains unknown substances.
Janeway: That's always a good sign. Tom, take us in!
Bridge Crew: AARRRRGGHH!
Doctor: (over the comm) Captain, every organic crewmember on the ship except Seven is in agony!
Seven: Why do I feel that I'm being set up for something here?
Janeway: The only way to get through this nebula alive is for us to go into stasis for a month and leave Seven and the Doctor in charge.
Chakotay: Sounds risky. Are you sure we can't at least team them up with Naomi?
Paris: I don't wanna climb into this damn coffin.
Janeway: Mr. Paris, you're a wuss.
Kim: Would a teddy bear help?
Paris: Hey, at least I'm not taking a Seven of Nine action figure to bed with me like somebody I could name.
Personal log, Seven of Nine: I have been running the ship successfully all by myself for ten days now. It is an efficient process. The situation also allows me to go skipping rope down the corridors whenever I please without fear of discovery.
Doctor: Goooooood morning, One of Two!
Seven: I wish you'd stop calling me that.
Doctor: Still feeling grumpy, I see. Hey, I know what we could do that'll put you in a better mood!
Seven: Don't get any cute ideas.
Doctor: Here we are! A simulated crew party in a holographic recreation of the Mess Hall!
Seven: Do I really have to participate?
Doctor: Fun will now commence.
Computer: Warning. Antimatter containment system has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
Doctor: We're toast!
Seven: I must attempt to eject the antimatter pods. It's our only hope.
Doctor: You'll never make it! Engineering is flooded with plasma! You'll be vaporized in a microsecond!
Seven: No I won't.
Doctor: Aren't you taking this whole "icy blonde" routine just a bit too seriously?
Doctor: I've discovered the cause of the false alarm. See this gel-pack? It's been damaged by the nebula's radiation.
Seven: It also looks suspiciously like the so-called "genuine Earth-style fruit-flavoured gelatin dessert" that Neelix served the crew last month. Hey, your program's fritzing.
Doctor: Quick! Find the "adjust tracking" button on my mobile emitter!
Doctor: Whew! I made back to Sickbay in the nick of time!
Seven: It would seem that the radiation has fried one of the thingamajigs in your mobile emitter.
Doctor: That means I'm trapped in here! I won't be able to follow you all over the ship! This is awful!
Seven: You mean for you?
Personal log, Seven of Nine: Last night, I dreamed that I had a dinner date with Commander Chakotay which ended with a mad, passionate kiss. I suspect that the oppressive emptiness of the ship is beginning to affect my mental stability.
Seven: Computer, run diagnostics. How badly have the ship's systems degraded because of the nebular radiation?
Computer: (singing) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do....
Seven: That much, huh?
Alien: (over the comm) Hi! I'm trying to cross this nebula but my engines need repairs. Can you spare a microfusion chamber?
Seven: What can you trade for it?
Alien: Well, I have some jumper cables here. Need a boost?
Seven: No, but our ship could use one. Come on over.
Alien: How can a former Borg drone endure being all alone on a ship for weeks and weeks? Doesn't it make you hallucinate?
Seven: Just what are you implying here?
Seven: There is an alien intruder aboard. I was talking to him in the corridor and he suddenly disappeared.
Doctor: That's odd...he's not showing up on our sensors and neither is his ship.
Seven: Just what are you implying here?
Paris: (disembodied voice) Help me, Seven....
Tuvok: (disembodied voice) Seven...we need you....
Neelix: (disembodied voice) I'm dying, Seven....
Alien: (over the comm) Hearing voices, are we?
Seven: You're not helping, ferret-face.
Alien: Oooh, cheap shot. Just for that, try to catch me before I sabotage your ship!
Doctor: Seven, the alien doesn't exist! You're hallucinating! The radiation is damaging your sensory nodes just like it's destroying the rest of the ship's hardware.
Seven: Could these progressive system failures get bad enough to knock you off-line?
(FRITZ! CRACKLE! POOF!)
Seven: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Computer: Propulsion systems have lost power. Forward motion has stopped.
Seven: With just eleven minutes to go before we're out of the nebula? You can't be serious.
Illusory Janeway: Well, Seven, you've really screwed up this time.
Illusory Kim: We're dead and it's all her fault.
Illusory Paris: She makes Harry look competent.
Seven: Computer, divert all power from life support to the engines.
Illusory Janeway: If you do that, you'll die of cold and suffocation.
Seven: If I don't, I'll die of embarrassment.
Paris: Me? Sleepwalking? I don't believe it.
Seven: You gave the Doctor and me problems on four separate occasions while we were crossing the nebula.
Torres: You mean that he kept trying to get out of his stasis chamber?
Seven: I mean that he kept trying to get into yours.
(Voyager sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.