Once Upon a TimeBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:26 PM GMT
See Also: 'Once Upon a Time' Episode Guide
Flotter: Hi! I'm an annoying holocharacter!
Naomi: Hi! I'm a cute kid! Hanging out with annoying snots like you will make me appear even cuter.
Naomi: Sure -- why else would I hang out with Neelix of all people?
Naomi: Mom, are you sure they're not trying to kill you off?
Paris: (in background) Hey! Who told you that? Um, I mean...that's ridiculous.
Naomi: You've survived for a long time considering you've actually had lines. They could be trying to knock you off.
Ensign Wildman: Nah. It's a shuttle mission. What could go wrong? I mean, it's not like Chakotay's driving or anything.
Naomi: I don't know...seems suspicious.
Tuvok: (in background) Nonsense. On a totally unrelated topic, Ensign, I need you to come hold this jar of antimatter for me.
Paris: (over the comm) Well, we're not dead yet, but we did manage to total our new shuttle in an ion storm. We might have to crash-land.
Janeway: That should take care of Ensign Wildman. An ensign in a shuttle crash doesn't stand a chance.
Chakotay: I guess that's that.
Neelix: Aren't you forgetting something? Naomi?
Janeway: Oh, right -- the cuteness quota. I'll let you handle her.
Chakotay: Are you sure, Captain? I wouldn't trust Neelix with a kid.
Janeway: I wouldn't trust you with a pet rock. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
Chakotay: She could figure out our plot and make herself so cute that she'll be a recurring character for the next two seasons.
Janeway: Yeah, but what are the chances of that?
Naomi: In case they try to knock me off, I'm going to pair up with the Captain.
Neelix: Sounds like a plan. Bye now.
Seven: Can I sit here?
Naomi: Eep. I mean, no.
Seven: Are you sure? If you pair up with me you'll be even cuter. They'll have to keep you around.
Naomi: Hmm...sounds good, but I'll wait a couple of episodes, 'kay?
Wildman: Oh no! We're going to crash!
Tuvok: We're in a shuttle -- what did you expect to happen?
Paris: Well, we did just build this thing a few weeks ago. That's quick even by our standards.
Wildman: AHHH! We're going to die!
Tuvok: Correction -- you're going to die. Our names are in the opening credits.
Wildman: (groans) I knew it -- you're trying to kill me off!
Paris: Are you still here?
Tuvok: Nice landing, you moron. Now we're trapped in here too. That wasn't part of the plan.
Paris: Uh oh. Let's hope our contracts are still good.
Naomi: Where's my Mom?
Neelix: Well, she's not missing. No, sirree. Nope.
Naomi: Riiiight. I smell a plot.
Wildman: I knew I should have been suspicious. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Paris: Come on, you know the rules. You get lines, you die. Like Hogan and Jonas.
Wildman: Then how come Vorik's still alive? He had lines...lots of them.
Paris: Well, we tried to set the P/Ters on him with "Blood Fever" but it didn't work. We're hoping the telepath-haters in "Counterpoint" will kill him off.
Wildman: This is not looking good.
Naomi: Neelix? Hello? Hmm...now's my chance to find out if they're trying to knock off my Mom.
(She enters a turbolift)
Naomi: I want to go to the Bridge.
Computer: Nice try. You're just a little kid.
Naomi: You're not serious, are you?
Janeway: Mwahahahaha! Soon Ensign Wildman will be sleeping with the fishes. Who's next on our list?
Chakotay: Hmm...I think Ayala. He's always hanging around and I think he said a few words once.
Naomi: I knew it! You're killing off all the extras who've had lines!
Janeway: Uh oh. Neelix, go take care of her.
Neelix: You mean console her or kill her?
Paris: (recording his message) And so, with my last breath I'm going to take my revenge on the P/Ters and not say "I love you." Bye now.
Wildman: (gasp) They're going to kill you for that!
Paris: Meh. At this point, I'm convinced I'm going to die anyways. Your turn.
Wildman: Naomi, whatever you do, don't become a precocious little snot like Wesley Crusher. If you're cute enough, hopefully they won't kill you off, so try pairing up with popular characters. Bye now.
Janeway: Aren't you done yet?
Chakotay: (over the comm) We're almost there, but if we hurry they might all survive.
Janeway: Good point. Take a few more minutes.
Paris: I knew I shouldn't have volunteered for this assassination job.
(He hears the phaser drills)
Paris: Hooray! The regular characters are saved!
Wildman: I'm not dead yet.
Neelix: Look, your mom's alive!
Wildman: Ha! In your face, Janeway!
Naomi: Meh. For all the times we'll see you again, you might as well be dead.
Janeway: She's right. Since we failed to kill you, you're going the way of Joe Carey.
(Ensign Wildman runs for it at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.