Non SequiturBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:46 PM GMT
See Also: 'Non Sequitur' Episode Guide
Janeway: Janeway to Kim. Come in, Harry. Or don't, I don't really care.
Kim: Captain? Is that you? You sound so quiet, like you're 70 thousand lightyears away....
Libby: Wake up, Harry! You're being corny in your sleep again!
Kim: Whoa. I'm in the old apartment where I used to live.
Libby: Awww, how sweet. You're implying that you don't live here anymore because we live here now.
Kim: No, I'm --
Libby: No? You don't love me! Waaaaah!
Kim: Um --
Libby: Of course I'll forgive you. Now hurry to work, dear. Today is the big day!
Kim: What big day?
Libby: If I told you that, it would spoil the incredibly unlucky timing, now wouldn't it?
Cosimo: Good-a morning, Harry! How's-a you doing?
Kim: I'm very confused. I could have sworn I was lost in the Delta Quadrant yesterday.
Cosimo: Ahhhhh, I know just how you feel. I could have-a sworn it was just yesterday I was an average plumber. A few turtles later, here I am with my own-a diner!
Kim: If you're my friend, stop making me more confused.
Cosimo: If-a I were you friend, I would be the confused one.
Lasca: Harry! Come on, we're going to be late.
Kim: You mean for the big important thing going on today that people will only refer to indirectly?
Lasca: Yeah, that one. I'm glad you know how big and important it is.
Kim: Can I finish my Klingon blood coffee first?
Lasca: Doesn't that drink always make you sick?
Kim: Why, so it does. What an amazing coincidence that I decided to have some today.
Admiral: Hello, we'll be your stuffy admirals for this morning. This should just be a routine impressing-us meeting, assuming you're both well prepared.
Lasca: We are indeed. I'll let Harry make the presentation, since he did all the work on this project while I was playing solitaire.
Admiral: By all means, Mr. Kim, please begin.
Kim: Um... er....
Admiral: You do remember the work you've been doing, don't you? After all, you did it here on Earth, in the dimension we're presently in.
Kim: Well, you see, the thing is -- ARRRRGH! OH, THE PAIN!
Lasca: Rats! Must be the coffee. I don't suppose you admirals could give me the promotion anyway...?
Admiral: Well, I certainly don't care.
Kim: I know I'm just pretending to be sick, but it would still be a nice gesture if one of you would, oh I don't know, call Sickbay?
Computer: Service record for Harry Kim, Ensign. 2367: Entered Starfleet Academy. 2371: Lost with U. S. S. Voyager. 2372: Mysteriously appeared on Earth and called up his service record, which he is currently reading.
Cosimo: (over the comm) Ahem.
Computer: Oh. Um, I mean, never left Earth.
Kim: But weren't you just saying --
Kim: Shoot, I forget where I live.
Cosimo: On Earth, of course. You never left.
Kim: I meant what building. You'd think an alternate timeline would at least tell you that much, but noooo, that would be too fair.
Cosimo: Oh, okay. You live in that apartment there.
Kim: Thanks, but something seems a bit odd about you....
Cosimo: Who, me, the completely innocuous Cosimo? I'm just -- shoot, I'm forgetting the accent! I'm-a just an-a Italian guy, see?
Kim: I'm really confused.
Libby: Well, don't worry. I'm here for you.
Kim: Thanks. You have no idea how much I've missed --
Libby: In this timeline, that is. In the real one I gave up on you the minute Voyager was lost, and I've had nine boyfriends since.
Kim: As much as that killed the mood, can we get it on anyway?
Libby: Sure. In this timeline.
Computer: ....Michael Jonas, and Lyndsay Ballard. There, I've recited Voyager's whole crew. Happy now?
Kim: Wow, I totally forgot about Lyndsay. She's my one true love.
Computer: What happened to Libby?
Kim: Oh yeah! Wow, I totally forgot about Libby. She's my one true love.
Computer: Whatever. For the record, I didn't list Tom Paris.
Kim: That's an odd comment to make without prompting.
Computer: Kid, if the plot twists had to wait till you figured out to prompt them, this would be a twelve-parter.
Kim: I'm telling you, we know each other. We're Voyager's version of Bashir and O'Brien.
Paris: Funny... back on DS9, some Byrd guy suggested he and I should do that. I was still stinging from Shuttle Girl turning me down --
Kim: Yeah, yeah, reminisce on your own time. The point is, I need your help.
Paris: To do what?
Kim: There's this one bit in Gargoyle's Quest 2 I can't get past.
Paris: Take a hike. I hate games.
Lasca: Welcome home, Harry. You're just in time to get arrested.
Kim: Libby! Did you have to let all these guards in?
Libby: What choice did I have?
Kim: You could at least have "chosen" not to show them my baby photos!
Libby: Well, they had to wait till you got here and I didn't want them getting bored.
Guard: Let's go. You have the right to remain silent, but a rattle will be provided for you....
Kim: Shut up!
Admiral: It's not that I don't believe your story, Mr. Kim, but there are holes in it.
Admiral: Take this incident with your engineer, for example. Is it really plausible that a person could be split into two beings of different races and then reunited?
Kim: But I was there!
Admiral: And were you also "there" for that business with the event horizon force field? That whole concept betrays a fundamental incomprehension of --
Kim: Just my luck. I get the nitpicker admiral.
Lasca: You'll have to wear this tracking device on your ankle for now. Don't be offended, it's just a security thing.
Kim: Well gee, if it's so nonintrusive and inoffensive, maybe we should make everyone wear them. Just as a security thing.
Lasca: Of course! Why didn't we think of that? I'll contact the Head of Starfleet Security right away!
Kim: You can't be serious. They'd never --
Lasca: Catch up on your DS9, Harry. The head of security this year is Admiral Leyton -- he'll love this.
Kim: You know something about what happened to me, don't you?
Cosimo: Don't-a be silly, Harry my boy! I'm just a friendly-a Italian guy. See-a how Italian I-a am? A?
Kim: A likely story. I bet Cosimo isn't even your real name.
Cosimo: Would you believe Kramer?
Cosimo: It was really just an accident. My people are spending this week playing with alternate universes and I'm afraid your experience was a manifestation of that.
Kim: Isn't this more of an alternate timeline?
Cosimo: Universe. Alternate universe.
Kim: Whatever. How do I fix it?
Cosimo: Recreate the shuttle accident. Any more questions?
Kim: How do I get past that lava stage in Gargoyle's Quest 2?
Cosimo: You have to go talk to Hecate again. She'll increase your wing power.
Libby: Hey, are you taking the anklet off? They'll detect that!
Kim: I know. I need you to stall the guards for me.
Libby: No problem. I'm not out of baby photos yet.
Kim: Goodbye, my love. I swear I'll get back to Earth someday.
Libby: Well, don't sprain anything. It's not like I'll be short of boyfriends.
Paris: Hey. Need a hand?
Kim: Sure, but what changed your mind?
Paris: Well, I thought a while in Sandrine's after you left... this Voyager has holodecks, right?
Kim: Too many, if anything.
Paris: Perfect. A holographic Sandrine will be way easier to put the moves on.
Computer: Intruder alert. Kim and Paris are stealing the new shuttle. WAKE UP!
Lasca: Wha--? Darn it, this is my siesta time! Why aren't the guards handling this?
Computer: Listen for yourself....
Guard: (over the comm) Awwwwwww. He's got a little teddy bear. That's so cute!
Libby: (over the comm) It sure is. Will you go out with me?
Paris: So you're planning to beam out of the shuttle just like you somehow remember doing before the teaser?
Kim: Yeah. Apparently it's not important that this is a completely different kind of shuttle.
Admiral: (over the comm) I'm telling you, you have to pay a little more attention to scientific details!
Kim: I'm really not going to miss this universe.
Computer: Antimatter containment failing. I don't know how many times I warned it to study, but it was too busy partying and boozing with the guys....
Paris: Sounds like my kind of containment field. Ready for transport, Harry?
Kim: But -- but you'll be killed!
Paris: Harry, if there's one thing you've taught me to believe about your reality... it's that you're the only major character who dies. Go!
Antimatter Explosion: Hi, I'm here to blow you up.
Runabout Yellowstone: This is so unfair! This timeline should have stopped existing as soon as Harry returned!
Antimatter Explosion: That's a good point... it does seem to contradict the laws of time travel.
The Laws of Time Travel: Pfft, we're making an exception. We like seeing stuff blow up.
Janeway: (over the comm) ....Come in, Harry. Or don't, I don't really care.
Kim: YES! It worked! I'm alive!
Janeway: Funny, I still don't really care.
Kim: Thanks, Tom. I owe you one.
Paris: I don't see why, but you can pay me back right now. Remember that Nintendo game I showed you?
Kim: You have to go talk to Hecate again.
Paris: Sweet! Now we're even.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.