MuseBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:49 PM GMT
See Also: 'Muse' Episode Guide
Kelis: B'Elanna Torres got lost. I found her. To Be Continued.
Patron: Nice play, Kelis. Do another in a week.
Kelis: That's not enough time!
Lanya: Now that that's over with, wanna get it on?
Kelis: Sorry, I have to go meet with a mysterious woman.
Torres: Who the heck are you?
Kelis: A poet. I read your diary and turned it into a play.
Torres: Good for you. Now go away.
Kelis: Here's some food. Now tell me everything you know.
Torres: Only if you steal one of these for me.
Kelis: But that could cause death. My death.
Torres: So could I.
Kelis: Yeah right. Whoa! Did you make that thunder?
Torres: Uh -- yeah!
Kelis: I'll be right back.
Paris: But we have to rescue them faster than that!
Janeway: If we did, the episode would end too early.
Kelis: Okay, now kiss Tom.
Seven Actor: Aww, do I have to?
Kelis: What's with this Tuvok guy?
Torres: Shut up! By the way, would you mind blowing all your money on a sheet of metal?
Kelis: Later. What's with this Tuvok guy?
Neelix: What's with you? You haven't been sleeping.
Tuvok: Sleep is for the weak.
Tuvok Actor: It's my part and I'll cry if I want to!
Kelis: Tuvok never cries.
Tuvok Actor: What's with this Tuvok guy?
Messenger: There's a war coming!
Kelis: Ooh good, a plot twist!
Torres: I can't help you.
Kelis: At least tell me what you think of my Voyager fanfic.
Kelis: Everybody say hi to this foreign poet. The jury will disregard the ridges on her forehead.
Torres: Why not end the play with my rescue?
Kelis: I need to throw in a lot of contrivances and eye candy.
Old Guy: You new poets suck.
Kelis: Don't take his word for it -- watch this scene so I can prove it!
Janeway Actor: Kiss me, you fool.
Chakotay Actor: Okay.
Janeway: Found them yet?
Torres: You're having Janeway kiss Chakotay?
Kelis: What, aren't you a J/Cer?
Torres: Nobody plays the field in the middle of Borg attacks!
Kelis: Borg, eh?
Lanya: Stay away from my Kelis, you evil poet-stealing weird-foreheaded Eternal-type person!
Torres: Um, yeah.
Kim: Anybody home?
Torres: Hey, a transmitter! Excellent! Oh, and it's okay that you're alive too.
Actor: This ending sucks!
Kelis: Best I could do.
Actor: Then you suck too.
Tuvok: Wha--? Um, I wasn't asleep! No one can prove I was asleep!
Paris: Look, they're alive.
Tuvok: Cool. But I wasn't asleep! No sirree, not me!
Paris: What's with you, anyway?
Seven Actor: I'm the Queen. Janeway sucks.
Janeway Actor: Seven's the Queen. I only sort of suck.
Torres: Uh oh, Kelis plans to kill me.
Torres: You do know I'm talking about the play, right?
Seven Actor: Wanna kill me?
Janeway Actor: Nah.
Tuvok Actor: Your ending still sucks!
Torres: Mine doesn't. Let's go!
Torres: Hi, everybody!
Lanya: She's B'Elanna Torres!
Chorus Guy: Don't listen to her!
Kelis: Stay here.
Kelis: Okay, but I'll miss you.
Torres: You too. Bye!
Kelis: And the moral of this story, folks, is War Is Bad. Did that rock or what?
(The cast bows at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.