MeldBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:50 PM GMT
See Also: 'Meld' Episode Guide
Kim: Ha! I win!
Paris: That does it, I'm starting a subplot.
Hogan: There's an EPS flow problem where Lon Suder was working.
Torres: Probably just a dead guy. I'll go discover him.
Neelix: Hey, Tuvok! Mind if I impress you with my knowledge of Vulcan holidays?
Neelix: There's this one where everybody gets naked...
Tuvok: I could really use a convenient murder mystery right now.
Torres: Torres to Security. I have a convenient murder mystery to report.
Doc: The dead guy was murdered.
Tuvok: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, or so his file says.
Torres: Suder was working there at the time. I'd say he's guilty.
Tuvok: You call that proof?
Chakotay: Back when we were Maquis, he went around killing Cardassians.
Tuvok: You call that proof?
Doc: I've found some vague DNA evidence.
Tuvok: He's guilty.
Tuvok: Why'd you do it?
Suder: No reason. Wanna execute me for it?
Tuvok: No, that'd be too easy.
Tuvok: It just doesn't make sense! Why would he kill for no reason, against his own best interests?
Chakotay: Remind me to tell you a little story about a scorpion.
Suder: Seriously, no reason.
Tuvok: That does it. Meld time.
Paris: Well, looks like I win the betting pool again.
Kim: That's the 46th time! If it happens once more, you've gotta be cheating.
Tuvok: Turns out he really did do it for no reason.
Janeway: So what do we do with him?
Tuvok: Hey, let's kill him. He'd like that.
Janeway: There must be a better way.
Tuvok: Nuh-uh. That hoser screwed himself over. He's earned himself a one-way ticket to the big EPS manifold in the sky. Get with the program, woman!
Janeway: I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something different about you....
Neelix: Good morning, Mr. Vulcan!
Tuvok: AAARGH! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! Much better. End program.
Chakotay: That does it, Paris, all bets are off!
Paris: You suck, sir.
Tuvok: That meld made me all violent and evil.
Suder: Wanna do it again?
Tuvok: Computer, I hereby fire myself.
Janeway: What's wrong, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Will you just sedate me already?
Doc: Mind-melds really, really suck.
Tuvok: Shove it, holo-boy!
Janeway: Okay, let's leave him alone so he can escape.
Suder: Hey, Tuvok! What's up?
Tuvok: I'm here to kill you!
Suder: Cool. Shame you won't be able to go through with it.
Tuvok: All right, that's it! It's evil meld time!
Suder: Is that like Miller Time? Ow!
Tuvok: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE...I...can't...do it!
Suder: Told ya.
Doc: Well, Tuvok still sucks, but he'll live.
Tuvok: Sorry for yelling at you, Captain. You're my bestest best friend, really.
Janeway: Hey, don't mention it.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.