Live Fast and ProsperBy Gorizo
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:48 PM GMT
See Also: 'Live Fast and Prosper' Episode Guide
Seven: Greetings. I have nothing to say in this fiver.
Kim: Welcome to the club!
Dala (as Janeway): Mind if we rob you?
Dumb Alien #1: Duh, I don't know...
Mobar (as Tuvok): It's for a group of poor, one-eyed, one-legged, stuttering, poor, radioactive, toyless orphans. Did I mention they were poor too?
Dumb Alien #2: Duh, okay.
Mobar: Cool! Let's stick around, explore, chit-chat, make friends, get to know the family....
Dala: Hey, that's not in the script! I mean, we can't stay.
Mobar: Oh yeah, that's right. The Prime Directive.
Dala: The what?
Mobar: (aside) Nice touch in your impression of Janeway there.
Dumb Alien #1: There's your ore. Where's our money?
Dala: We've, uh, got another line, please hold.
Dumb Alien #1: Okay...oh, she hung up.
Tuvok: One day, I'll expose you for the fiends that you are.
(points at Paris, and Kim too, who has nothing important to say)
Paris: What's the matter, Tuvok? Are you gonna go boo hoo?
Tuvok: (sob) No....
Janeway: Don't eat the food, it's poison!
Paris: Well, duh....
Janeway: How did you get these bad batteries?
Neelix: Well, it's this imposter, you see....
Torres: How do you know that?
Neelix: Wait, I haven't had the flashback yet. Argh, I'm so confused! Anyways, it was for these poor, one-eyed, one-legged....
Janeway: Oh, shut up already!
Orek: Give us our dilithium!
Janeway: The wha...?
Orek: You said it yourself, here, look!
Janeway: My hair looks that bad? Wait, that's not me!
Orek: He who says so is so. As for you, captain, bite m...
Janeway: Hold that thought. Neelix! Time for that flashback scene!
Dala: ...poor, radioactive, toyless orphans. Wanna get robbed now?
Neelix: Sure. Where do I sign?
Dala: Let's not forget the sacred downloading of the database. No peeking!
Janeway: You idiots fell for the oldest trick in the book!
Chakotay: And for once, I'm not to blame.
Janeway: ...and that's how it all happened.
Orek: Wow. Either you think I'm stupid, or Tom and Neelix really are.
Tuvok: Or both.
Dala (as Janeway): Join now and you'll get your membership card, coupons, a free issue of our monthly magazine, and participation in various sweepstakes.
Varn: Just one question: is this a trap?
Varn: Okay then.
Neelix: Let's see if we can trick Doc.
Paris: Hey, Doc, which shell is the nut under?
Doc: Mr. Paris, sometimes you make it too easy to get a good laugh.
Doc: You're not under a shell.
Neelix: Okay Doc, run me through that again.
Varn: Hey, you cheated me!
Dala: Yeah, well bite me. Oh, look, the cavalry!
Janeway: Listen, you're not in the Federation. No one can be told what the Federation is. You have to see it for yourself.
Dala: I'm better than you. Although I am wearing a Star Trek convention uniform.
Janeway: Tuvok, tell her about the prisons.
Tuvok: Uhm, yeah. They are, like, really...gross. And stuff.
Janeway: That was great, Tuvok.
Tuvok: How do I know you're not being sarcastic?
Janeway: How do you know I am?
Neelix: Being good is fun. Wanna be my friend?
Dala: Get lost, Barney.
Doc (as Dala): Haha! It is I, Captain Janeway! I mean, it is I, Dala!
Mobar: Holy sweet mother of #@$&, it's you! It's really you! Tuvok -- the main reason to watch Voyager! Can I get your autogr--OW!
Doc: (aside) Geez, this is fun! Can't wait till "Renaissance Man."
Doc: Hey, that was an aside. You weren't supposed to hear that.
Neelix: Ha! Tricked you! The nut isn't under that shell!
Doc: Did you two beam the nut into space?
Paris: What? No, of course n--
Doc: You beamed it into space, didn't you?
Paris: Geez, Doc! I'm horrified that you would suggest such a--
Janeway: (over the comm) Tom, some sort of nut just hit our windshield. Explain.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Gorizo is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.