Life LineBy Mark Ivey
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:50 PM GMT
See Also: 'Life Line' Episode Guide
Zimmerman: Any luck finding that ship you've lost? What's it called, the Enterprise, the Defiant?
Barclay: Sorry, sir, you've been watching the wrong series.
Captain's Log: We're doing nothing.
Seven: Captain, we are receiving a message from the Alpha Quadrant.
Janeway: I thought we'd done that one this season.
Janeway: Guess what, everyone? We're going to receive a transmission once a month!
Paris: OH YES OH YES OH YES! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh no, what's my dad going to say? What if he doesn't love me anymore? (begins sobbing)
Chakotay: What's up with him?
Kim: He's letting out all that pent-up emotion from last week's episode.
Chakotay: Why do we have to wait a month for every letter?
Seven: It seems Starfleet Command has a bad Internet connection.
Kim: So, have they found us a shortcut home?
Janeway: Yeah, there's a wormhole just a couple of hours away. It'll deliver us to Earth's doorstep.
Everyone: APRIL FOOL!
Kim: But it's May!
Doctor: It turns out my creator is dying.
Neelix: Well, you've nearly bored all of us to death, so I think it's just desserts.
Doctor: There is nothing funny about people dying.
Neelix: You've never seen Weekend at Bernie's, have you?
Doctor: Captain, I believe that I can save my creator by going to the Alpha Quadrant. Please let me go.
Janeway: I don't know. Your program might be lost, or you might not be able to get back, or...what am I saying? Bon voyage!
Seven: I need to remove some of your features to fit you into the datastream.
Seven: Do you want to be as annoying in the Alpha Quadrant as you are in the Delta Quadrant?
Doctor: Point taken.
Janeway: Goodbye, Doctor. See you in a month.
Janeway: Okay everybody, let's party.
Zimmerman: I knew you were coming, Reginald.
Zimmerman: You're the only person whose shuttle is painted black with the words 'A-Team' on the side.
Barclay: I brought someone who might be able to save you.
Zimmerman: I pity the fool who tries to save me!
Barclay: I'll ignore that.
Barclay: Hello, Doctor.
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you? I am not a real person! Kes is not my wife!
Barclay: What are you talking about?
Doctor: Sorry, wrong episode.
Admiral Hayes: Well, Captain, it's good to speak to you again. There's a lot we want to know" how may people have died under you, how many times you've violated the Prime Directive, how many more hairstyles you've had....
Janeway: It seems I'm going to get a court-martial.
Chakotay: What for?
Janeway: "Threshold," "Favourite Son," "Demon," "Fair Haven," "Spirit Folk," and "Fury."
Doctor: My goodness, this is going to be a good episode.
Zimmerman: What makes you say that?
Doctor: Didn't you see the bit in the opening credits that said "Story by Robert Picardo"?
Troi: So, why don't we try and get you two talking?
Doctor and Zimmerman: What about?
Troi: Um...how handsome you both are?
Doctor: Oh yes, did I mention you are such a fine specimen of an actor?
Zimmerman: Why, you're no better looking than me.
Troi: So this is Voyager's sickbay. I've never seen anything like it.
Doctor: It's the same set as for the Enterprise-E sickbay.
Troi: Oh yeah.
Troi: You're a hologram, aren't you?
Haley: How could you tell?
Troi: That T-shirt that says "I'm a hologram."
Barclay: So you fell in love with a Vidiian?
Doctor: That's right.
Barclay: What's a normal one like?
Doctor: Oh, a normal one is a Hannibal. I mean a cannibal.
Barclay: Will everyone stop with the A-Team references?
Doctor: Sorry, it's The Face...oh man!
Doctor: I'm malfunctioning!
Barclay: You've got to help him, Lewis.
Barclay: Because he's got a contract for a seventh season.
Zimmerman: I'm going to install some new programming in you.
Doctor: (buzz) ....as much as I liked working on The Wonder Years, I must admit that Voyager is much better. And by the way, have I got a funny story about when I did Gremlins 2....
Zimmerman: There we are! I've installed better convention material.
Janeway: So have we got any problems with the Holodeck?
Janeway: Well, are any Borg vessels approaching?
Janeway: Is there anything exciting going on?
Janeway: Man, we've had nothing to do for the past month.
Kim: Anyone want to hear my Jeri Ryan elbow story?
Janeway: Oh, not again!
Doctor: Time for me to go.
Barclay: Aren't you going to do anything to help the Mark Ones feel better?
Doctor: No, we're doing that next year.
(Voyager flies off at Ludicrous Speed)
Mark Ivey is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.