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The Trek Nation - Juggernaut

Juggernaut

By Alec Lamberton
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:39 PM GMT

See Also: 'Juggernaut' Episode Guide

Malon: Ahhhhh! Look out, the toy ship is blowing up!
Fesek: Oh yes, ha ha...Ahhhh! Look out, the real ship is blowing up!

Tuvok: Control that temper, girlfriend.
Torres: Bite me.

Janeway: Your ship went that way. How do we stop it?
Fesek: Run away! Run away! She's gonna blooooowww!
Janeway: Then there's only one answer: ramming speed! Today is a good day to -- sorry, flashback to "The Killing Game" there.
Fesek: So, you're really as nutso as they say you are.
Janeway: Hey, my way or the highway. That means you, bub.

Chakotay: You've just volunteered for the away team.
Torres: Bite me.
Chakotay: Play nice with the Malon.
Torres: Bite me.
Chakotay: Don't make me send you to your room.
Torres: (mumble) Bite me.
Chakotay: I can't hear you!
Torres: Okay.

Torres: Boy, this place sucks. Don't you ever clean up?
Fesek: We just had the maid in. She's not very good.
Torres: Hmf. Well, let's get this done before I say "bite me" again.

Neelix: There's plot complication gas in here. We can't use our tricorders.
Torres: In that case, I'll do the rest of the show in my singlet.
Paris: (over the comm) Yowza!

Fesek: I'm not all bad. I'm a sculptor and I've got a kid.
Torres: Bet it's bad sculpture and he's a bad kid.
Fesek: Bite me.
Torres: Hey! My line!

Pelk: Waaaahh! Boogieman! Boogieman!
Fesek: There isn't a boogieman!
Pelk: Is!
Fesek: Isn't!
Pelk: Is! (He dies)
Fesek: Isn't! I win.
Chakotay: Okay, let's get to the bridge before I start saying "bite me."

Torres: Yuck, blisters.
Fesek: It'll kill you. Let's get you to the infirmary.
Torres: Bite me.
Chakotay: (sighs) Remember, Tuvok and his lamp are waiting.
Torres: I'll go.

Torres: This is an infirmary? Only if death is an infirmity.
(Fesek lifts large gunlike object)
Torres: Yow! What's that?
Fesek: It's a needle.
Torres: Boy, you guys are tough!

Tuvok: Do you have the calculations for the Captain's Plan B?
Seven: Yes, and my Plan C, shield modifications.
Tuvok: Do you have a Plan D?
Seven: Yes. Have the Doctor declare the Captain nutso, assume control of the ship, assimilate Tattoo Boy, rebuild the transwarp drive my way, and get to the Alpha Quadrant next Thursday.
Tuvok: I think we'll stick with Plan B. (He leaves)
Seven: (pouting) I don't care. Tattoo Boy shall be mine, no matter what J/Cers say. Mine! All mine!

Neelix: We've managed to clear twelve decks.
Janeway: (over the comm) Leola root stew again?

Torres: The airlocks are open! We're depressurizing!
Chakotay: You go up here first. I'll wait until some debris flies in and -- ugh!

Torres: Cough cough.
Neelix: Cough cough.
Fesek: Cough. Um. Cough.
Torres: (to Voyager) Did you get Chakotay?
Doctor: (over the comm) Yes.
Torres: Rats.

Vihaar: Don't mind me, just a boogieman lurking in the background. For now.

Torres: You messed up!
Fesek: You messed up!
Neelix: Chill out, you two, or I'll say "bite me"!
Torres: Whoa, okay.

Tuvok: Should I go over and take control of the away team?
Janeway: No, Torres can handle it.
Tuvok: Logic dictates she's crazier than a bowl of Talaxian cootie soup.
Janeway: What have you got against crazy women? (twitch, twitch)
Tuvok: Plan D's starting to look good.

Doctor: You're better. Sort of.
Chakotay: What about Pelk?
Doctor: He wasn't killed by the boogieman. Here's the computer analysis.
Chakotay: It says he was killed by the boogieman.
Doctor: Damn. It's after my job, I know it.

Chakotay: Seven, scan for a lifeform that glows in the dark.
Seven: (over the comm) Hot for Plan D, big boy?
Chakotay: Not for another two years.
Seven: Rats.

Torres: Power's up! Seal the tanks!
Seal: Ark! Ark!
Fesek: Power's down!
Seal: (silent)

Janeway: Crash the ship into that star.
Paris: Aye aye, Captain.
Janeway: Not us, fool! Boy, you really need a slap up the head sometimes.

Seven: (over the comm) There's something coming your way and it's wearing John Travolta's disco suit. Oh, sorry, that's actually heavy radiation.

Neelix: Help meeeeee!
Torres: The boogieman! He's behind you!
Fesek: I'm not falling for that old...UH!
Torres: Oh my God, you're a...you're a....
Vihaar: That's right: a union delegate for the National Coalition of Core Labourers.

Torres: Get away from the controls!
Vihaar: Bite meeeeee!
Torres: You asked for it! Take that! And that! And that and that and that!
Vihaar: Ahh! I die! Bite meeeee!

(BOOM)

Kim: Oh my God! I didn't get them! They're all dead!
Janeway: My dear comrades, I shall miss--
Kim: Just kidding.
Janeway: And you wonder why you're still an ensign?

Fesek: Well, I guess I'd better get home, get another ship, and pollute some more of the galaxy.
Torres: Get real, buddy. Pollution's bad, okay? Theta radiation's bad, okay? And stupid, stupid's bad, okay?

Chakotay: At least you don't say "bite me" anymore.
Torres: I'm too tired and icky and covered in Malon yuck. I'll get back to you.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Alec Lamberton is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.