Inside ManBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:54 PM GMT
See Also: 'Inside Man' Episode Guide
Kim: Look what I found, Captain!
Holo-Barclay: Hiya. I'm here to get you home through a geodesic fold.
Janeway: Wouldn't that kill us?
Holo-Barclay: Your point being? I mean -- no, of course not. Hehehehe.
Doc: Fine, you can have my emitter. Assuming you're not going to use it for evil.
Holo-Barclay: Hmm...define "evil."
Janeway: Now everybody make sure to do exactly as Reg says.
Holo-Barclay: Whoa -- I have power! All right, everybody jump! Higher, you fools, higher!
Paris: Us getting home? But that trick never works!
Kim: This time for sure! Nothin' up my sleeve....
Holo-Barclay: Won`t the Alpha Quadrant be cool?
Seven: Well, sort of. Kinda. I guess.
Holo-Barclay: Aw, cheer up. They're really gonna like you back home.
Seven: Because of my dissimilation?
Holo-Barclay: Well, that and your taste in clothes. Yowza!
Barclay: It's not fair! My hologram never arrived!
Harkins: It didn't? That's funny, I'm sure I saw it last scene....
Barclay: The Borg stole my hologram!
Harkins: No they didn't.
Barclay: Then it must have been the Romulans. Or the Tholians. Or Richard Nixon. Or--
Harkins: Oh, get out of here. And if you could drop by someone demographically useful -- Troi in a bikini, say -- that'd be a plus.
Doc: These medical "upgrades" are garbage!
Holo-Barclay: Shows what you know. They're actually very good at furthering the plot.
Holo-Barclay: Do you guys mind if I add this top-secret evil Ferengi report to the data stream?
Torres: I see no problem with that.
Ferengi #1: Whoa! Borg Girl's hot.
Ferengi #2: Hotter than Jeri Ryan?
Ferengi #1: I wouldn't go that far. But we're melting her anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
Troi: So your hologram was stolen?
Troi: And this Leosa left you as soon as you were done blabbing to her about the Pathfinder Project?
Troi: You know, there might be some correlation.
Barclay: How does that work?
Kim: Hahahahaha! That is some Janeway impression.
Holo-Barclay: You should see my George W. Bush.
Holo-Barclay: AARRRGH! Leave me alone! I do not want to play golf with you!
Doc: Then either you're evil or you're afraid you'll lose. I bet it's option B.
Leosa: I didn't do anything, and Barclay's a loser.
Admiral Paris: Well, at least she's half right....
Troi: Guess what? I can read your mind! Fear me! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Leosa: Fine, it's the Ferengi -- but don't quit your day job, Superwoman.
Janeway: So you're suspicious of Reg on the grounds that he wouldn't play golf with you?
Doc: He's a chicken, I tell you! Or at least a Ferengi spy.
Barclay: You know, Deanna, I bet the Ferengi are planning to open a geodesic fold in that red giant.
Troi: For heaven's sake, don't tell Harkins! We can't let the episode run short....
Torres: Sorry, Doc, he's clean.
Holo-Barclay: Ha! In your face, loser!
Doc: I heartily agree.
Janeway: Hey, wouldn't you normally retain a healthy skepticism?
Doc: Yeah, but we can't let the -- what Troi said.
Ferengi #1: Open the geodesic fold!
Ferengi #2: Um...which one of us knows how to do that?
Ferengi #3: I thought it was you.
Ferengi #1: Well, somebody fire the stupid thing. It'll make a great FX shot.
Seven: What the--? This fold would screw us over!
Holo-Barclay: Shouldn't have figured that out, honey. Consider yourself zapped.
Harkins: Great. Just great. Voyager's about to be destroyed. UPN's gonna kill us!
Barclay: Not necessarily. I have a plan, but it hinges on my acting skills.
Harkins: My comment stands.
Barclay: It's not going to work, guys! Escape while you can!
Ferengi #3: Wait -- how do we know you're the real evil hologram?
Barclay: Uh...because I said so.
Ferengi #1: Oh no, it is him! Quick, close the fold before we get busted!
Janeway: Nuts, the fold's collapsing.
Holo-Barclay: There's only one chance! BANZAI!
Janeway: Beam that sucker back before he melts our biggest ratings draw.
Tuvok: We still lost the escape pod.
Captain's Log: We didn't get home, we're clueless about what happened, and yes, we have no bananas. Oh well.
Kim: Sucks to be me.
Torres: Boy, does it ever!
Barclay: That's it for this latest Adventure With Barclay. But there will be more to come.
Troi: And will I keep getting involved through increasingly unlikely coincidences?
Barclay: You betcha.
(Voyager heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.