Infinite RegressBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:28 PM GMT
See Also: 'Infinite Regress' Episode Guide
Computer: Regeneration cycle incomplete. Return to your alcove, young lady.
Seven: Silence! A Klingon warrior with the munchies does not tolerate being sent back to bed!
Neelix: My refrigerator got raided again last night. This time I lost the brontosaurus roasts that were left over from our visit to that prehistoric planet last week.
Janeway: Any clues as to who's responsible?
Tuvok: The same gaffe sticks and bantha tracks that we keep finding, but I have never heard of Sand People snacking on anything this big before.
Janeway: Neither have I. Maybe someone just wants us to think they did.
Seven: Why are you following me, Naomi Wildman?
Naomi: I want to be the Captain's Bridge Assistant, so I thought I'd train for the job by observing you.
Seven: You are still insufficiently developed. In order to emulate me, you would require Borg implants and several months of accelerated growth in a maturation chamber.
Naomi: Is that how you got to look that way?
Seven: The catsuit helps too.
Seven: Ooooh, look at all the pretty clothes you have for your Barbie doll! You've even got a Captain's uniform for her!
Naomi: Uh, Seven...when I said I hoped that one day you'd see me as an equal, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Seven: And you have a Ken to go with your Barbie! Hey, let's dress him up as a First Officer and marry them!
Torres: We're picking up some kind of energy signal coming from the debris of that wrecked Borg ship we detected. Have you noticed it having any strange effects on you?
Seven: I am the son of K'Vok and I wish to mate with you!
Torres: Ewww. Couldn't you just have answered with a simple "yes"?
Seven: Our love will rival that of Kahless and Lukara! Epic tales shall be told about our passion for each other!
Torres: Oh, right. Do you seriously imagine anyone would waste their time writing kinky stories about you and me in bed together?
Chakotay: Captain, we have a disturbance in Engineering. Torres reports that Seven of Nine made a pass at her and slashed her cheek.
Janeway: Have Tuvok place her under arrest immediately. Section 49, Paragraph 2 of Starfleet Regulations clearly states that....
Chakotay: "...no romantic involvements between a ship's senior officers shall be pursued without authorization from the Captain." Yes, I know the drill.
Janeway: Good man.
Seven: My name's Maryl and I miss my mommy. Who are you?
Tuvok: I am Commander Tuvok.
Seven: Live long and prosper, Commander. I am Subaltern Lorot.
Tuvok: Will you accompany me to our Sickbay, Subaltern?
Seven: Possibly. I am of two minds on the subject.
Seven: I keep hearing distant voices, Doctor. Where are they coming from?
Doctor: I've ruled out the possibility of Lethean telepathic intrusion, so that leaves only the Borg interlink signal we've detected. It's causing some of the personalities that have been assimilated into the Collective to emerge at random and take over your mind.
Seven: Could these personalities have a deleterious effect on my mental state?
Doctor: Considering that the Collective is made up of billions of people who've been kidnapped, mutilated and turned into bionic zombies, I'd say yes.
Neelix: I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. As Morale Officer, I suggest you come to our next movie night...it'll cheer you up.
Seven: What are you planning to show?
Neelix: A Joanne Woodward double feature -- "Sybil" and "The Three Faces of Eve."
Seven: I think I'll pass on the idea.
Janeway: We've spotted a strange device in the debris field. Can you identify it?
Seven: It is a Borg vinculum. Its interlink signal is malfunctioning; we must take it aboard so that I can deactivate it.
Janeway: Exactly what does this signal do when it works properly?
Seven: The interlink is what gives the drones their power. It is an energy field created by every Borg vinculum; it surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the Collective together.
Janeway: Are you sure it's not just a lot of simple tricks and nonsense? After all, there's no mystical all-powerful force that controls my destiny.
Seven: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Seven: Curious...this vinculum carries an artificial virus which seems designed to attack Borg technology. It was apparently infected three days ago, right after the assimilation of a ship from Species 6339.
Doctor: That means this whole situation might have been avoided if the Borg were more careful about practicing safe assimilation.
Seven: What am I doing in Sickbay? Did I have another blackout?
Doctor: Yes. Another personality emerged while we were talking in Astrometrics.
Seven: Please tell me what it was like. I'm all ears.
Janeway: Funny you should put it that way....
Janeway: Any luck in shutting down the vinculum?
Torres: No, it keeps adapting to everything we do. The more we try to stop up the drain, the harder it gets to overtake the plumbing.
Ven: Our species designed the virus as a weapon against the Borg. The vinculum must be returned to the debris field so that it will infect additional Borg ships when they come to investigate.
Janeway: We have to hold onto it until Seven has been cured. Will you be reasonable and give us the time we need or will you open fire on our ship and try to take the vinculum by force?
Ven: I'm a Delta Quadrant alien, Captain. "Reasonable" doesn't cut much ice in this part of the galaxy.
Doctor: Seven's identity has been completely submerged by the other personalities that keep appearing.
Tuvok: I propose to bring her true identity back to the surface by mind-melding with her. As T'plana-Hath once said, logic is the rope which she and I will use to ascend from chaos using reason as our guide.
Doctor: I thought she said that logic was cement, not rope.
Tuvok: I permitted myself a slight paraphrase of her esteemed words. Rope is more practical for climbing than cement.
Telepathic Crowd: Arrrgh! Screech! Gnniaaah!
Telepathic Tuvok: Seven? Where are you?
Telepathic Seven: Overrrr heeeeeere!
Telepathic Klingon: No further, Vulcan!
(SMACK! THUD! WHUMP!)
Telepathic Klingon: GAK!
Telepathic Tuvok: Here I am, Seven. You are safe now.
Telepathic Seven: Thank you, Commander. You appear to be injured.
Telepathic Tuvok: Yes. For an illusion, my opponent packed a considerable punch.
Captain's Log: The vinculum has been returned to the aliens. After a week of regeneration, Seven has been pronounced fit for duty -- proof that a good long nap will fix just about anything.
Seven: Here are data files on the subjects you will need to know as Bridge Assistant.
Seven: I have also provided you with the catsuit specifications you requested. The replicator should have no difficulty manufacturing scaled-down versions properly sized for your Barbie doll.
Naomi: Actually, I found a simpler way to dress her up like you. See how good a job I did?
Seven: Indeed...your doll is wearing a remarkably accurate rendition of my original dermoplastic garment. What material did you use to create it?
Naomi: Silver paint.
(Voyager sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.