By Hejira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:12 PM GMTSee Also: 'Hunters' Episode Guide Kim: Guess what? We're getting a message from home, thanks to the communications net we found last episode.
Janeway: Woo hoo! We have continuity!
Hirogen 1: Dude.
Hirogen 2: Dude.
Chakotay: You do realize that people would have moved on, and found a, um, "Resolution," right?
Janeway: Not Mark. No way. That would be way too obvious, seeing as you just plugged a certain episode involving a monkey, an insect bite, and...um...yeah.
Doc: Time for a proto-D/7 scene, don't you think so?
Seven: Whatever. I'm trying to get the message, if you hadn't noticed.
Tuvok: Look, a dead guy!
Doc: His organs were taken out.
Seven: Blah, blah, blah.
Kim: We're at an array...
Paris: Cool, a Caretaker!
Kim: 'Fraid not. But we can get more of the message here. And a way home, too. Hee hee.
Janeway: Geez, Starfleet's really getting personal, aren't they? (pause) Uh oh, I just read Carey's letter.
Seven: Let me see!
Neelix: I will deliver these, because there's no other purpose for me in this episode.
Janeway: Hey Seven, EMOTIONAL CURVEBALL! Catch!
Seven: Ow! That hurt, you bi--
Janeway: Network television, Seven.
Neelix: And here's your angst letter, Chakotay.
Chakotay: Oh, thanks, but I think I'll just tell B'Elanna.
Neelix: Tuvok, here's your letter...grandpa.
Tuvok: You read my mail?
Neelix: Yep.
Janeway: Woo hoo! Mark wrote me a letter! (pause) Oh crap, crap, crap crap crapcrapcrap...
Chakotay: B'Elanna, the Maquis are dead.
Torres: Oh crap, crap, crap crap crapcrapcrap...
Paris: Yum, yum, yum.
Kim: I want my letter.
Paris: Yum, yum, yum.
Seven: I wanna go to the array.
Janeway: Shut up, can't you see that I've just been dumped?
Seven: Nope.
Janeway: Then take Tuvok with you.
Kim: Has my letter come yet?
Torres: Shut up, can't you see that I'm in major angst here?
Kim: Nope.
Torres: You'll be okay.
Seven: Is the captain nuts?
Tuvok: Probably. Let's let some Hirogen trash this shuttle while talking.
Torres: Tom, I've got part of a letter from your father.
Paris: No thanks.
Torres: Can't you see that I'm going through major angst here?
Paris: Sorry. Hug?
Chakotay: Cool array.
Janeway: Can't you see that I've just been dumped?
Chakotay: I knew it! Hug?
Janeway: Uh...
Kim: Sorry to interrupt the J/C bit, but you guys need to come to the bridge.
Chakotay and Janeway: Nuts.
Seven: Oh crap, crap, crap crap crapcrapcrap...
Hirogen: Phnar.
Hirogen: We're keeping these two.
Janeway: Can't you see that I've just been dumped?
Hirogen: Oh crap, crap, crap crap crapcrapcrap...
Hirogen: Seven, I want your intestines.
Seven: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad pick-up line, mister!
Janeway: We need to get Tuvok and Seven - I know! Let's destroy the array!
Kim: What about my letter? Waaaaaah!
Hirogen: CHARGE!
Array: *BOOM*
Kim: Oh crap, crap, crap crap crapcrapcrap...
Janeway: Let's split.
Torres: Harry, you've got a letter. Tom, bad luck.
Paris: Who cares?
Captain's Log: Hirogen are bad, m'kay?
Janeway: So...
Chakotay: Uh-huh.
Janeway: Yupsies.
Chakotay: *whistles*
Janeway: I've been dumped, and I'm alone in the ready room with you.
*a light bulb appears between them*
Neelix: Nuh-uh, you two. Remember, this is network television. I do have an off-screen party, though.
Chakotay and Janeway: Okay.
(Credibility goes out the window at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
Hejira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.
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