Friendship OneBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:59 PM GMT
See Also: 'Friendship One' Episode Guide
Friendship One: Hi, buddies! I'm here to accidentally blow you up.
Janeway: And then I turned into a lizard!
Admiral: Okay, that's just stupid. Anyway, I have a mission for you, should you choose to accept it.
Janeway: I don't know, should I?
Admiral: That wasn't a question.
Janeway: Our mission is to recover Friendship One.
Kim: I remember that one! Its mission was friendship!
Paris: Not much gets by you, eh, Harry?
Captain's Log: This is a big fat waste of time, but who cares?
Seven: We found the probe on a planet with antimatter radiation.
Janeway: Excuse me -- "antimatter radiation"? Are you some kind of idiot?
Paris: You are not coming. We're bringing Carey instead.
Torres: Oh, come on! We both know full well he'll be dead inside an hour!
Paris: Hey, does his shirt look red to you?
Torres: It will soon....
Chakotay: Hey, it's snowing down here! I wanna go make snow angels!
Kim: I don't think the world is ready for "Chakotay's Angels," sir.
Carey: Hmm. A music box.
Neelix: Excuse me, who exactly are you?
Carey: Joe Carey.
Carey: Oh, come on! I haven't been gone that long!
Neelix: Um...I have to go now, my parents told me not to talk to strangers.
Paris: Here's the probe. Hey, who are you guys?
Aliens: We're the villains. We will now beat you up.
Paris: Okay, but focus on Joe.
Chakotay: Nuts, the Flyer's under attack! We'll have to flee in terror.
Kim: Try not to crash into Voyager on the way up, okay?
Verin: I have your away team.
Janeway: Oh no! Poor Tom, Neelix, and...um....
Carey: Joe Carey! For God's sake, people!
Otrin: You filled my planet with antimatter radiation so you could take over!
Janeway: How do you people keep saying "antimatter radiation" with a straight face?
Woman: Hi, I'm pregnant.
Paris: Cool, so am I. No, not me, my wife.
Neelix: Sure about that? You've really been putting on the pounds lately....
Tuvok: Okay okay, watch this...moving 5500 people across 152 light-years would take...ooh...uhh...three years! Yeah! I'm smart, baby!
Neelix: Have this music box, little girl.
Girl: Oo, Vivaldi.
Verin: Hey, put that down! You know my policy on having fun.
Neelix: I know how you feel, Verin -- my planet got the shaft too.
Carey: I remember that episode!
Neelix: Who asked you? Anyway, like I was saying....
Verin: Oh, give it up. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a stubborn git.
Janeway: Okay, let's cut a deal: we'll give you stuff if you kill one hostage. Wait, I mean return one--
Verin: Too late. Hey Carey, DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Carey: GAK! Is this the end of...
Paris: Dude, no last words allowed.
Seven: You know, you should be the head honcho.
Otrin: Sounds good. How do I kill Janeway?
Woman: YEOW! The baby's coming!
Paris: Boy, that was an unexpected development.
Guards: You're under arrest!
Tuvok: Oh, please don't capture me. That would be a terrible thing. Please, please don't.
Guards: You know, sarcasm is a crime on this planet.
Paris: Uh oh, your baby's dead. HA! April Fool! It's alive!
Neelix: That wasn't very nice. Hey, there's Tuvok.
Verin: Oo, another capti--YEOW!
Doc: Gotcha! The guard was actually me.
Tuvok: Say, were you wearing Otrin's suit or just changing your appearance?
Doc: That's a good question.
Janeway: Hello, baby! What's your name?
Janeway: A boy named Goo? Strange.
Doc: AAAAH! Somebody get Janeway away from the baby! She held the Borg kid in "Collective" and I never saw it again!
Paris: Come on, Captain, let's help these guys.
Janeway: But they killed Carey!
Neelix: Who was he again?
Janeway: Good point.
Otrin: ...and that's how to get rid of the antimatter radiation.
Seven: Captain, are you snickering?
Verin: We can't trust these people!
Otrin: Why not?
Verin: For one thing, they can't even remember Carey's name.
Janeway: Whee! It's fun to cause earthquakes.
Tuvok: Um, Verin is aiming missiles at us.
Janeway: I can't hear you, I'm humming. Humm humm hummm....
Woman: Touch that button and I'll kill you!
Otrin: We need a new leader -- I nominate me.
Verin: Sigh...this has just not been my day.
Captain's Log: I will personally kill the next one to say "antimatter radiation."
Janeway: We won, but I miss Carey.
Chakotay: What was his first name again?
Janeway: I dunno, Diane or something.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.