False ProfitsBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:59 PM GMT
See Also: 'False Profits' Episode Guide
Kim: A wormhole? Hooray!
Janeway: A wormhole, eh? Let's see...how can we screw this one up?
Kim: Nuh-uh. This time for sure!
Tuvok: Looks like some nearby cave people have replicators.
Chakotay: Wow. Those must be some smart cave people.
Tuvok: They didn't invent them, moron -- somebody gave it to them.
Chakotay: I knew that.
Janeway: Okay, people, it's only Season 3 and we've got a nearly idiot-proof way home. I need a catch, and I need it now.
Kim: Well, we're all out of technobabble. We even had to borrow the wormhole from TNG.
Torres: The key here is that it's nearly idiot-proof.
Janeway: That'll work. Chakotay, you and Tom go to the surface.
Bard: (singing) The Sages came and made everything suck....
Paris: Shut up, you! We don't want to hear your stupid song.
Chakotay: You know, we might be able to figure out what's going on by listening to the song.
Bard: (singing) They were two Ferengi who came through the Barzan wormhole....
Paris: Nah, I doubt it.
Janeway: What do you mean, it shifts around?
Kim: What, you never watched "The Price"?
Kim: Aw. And it was such nice continuity, too.
Torres: Anyways, we can pull it towards us like a magnet. But we'll never be able to do it ever again.
Kafar: Prepare to be amazed...by the mysterious sages!
Kafar: You're supposed to be surprised that they're Ferengi.
Chakotay: Sorry, but hearing the Rules of Acquisition and seeing the ears that merchant sold us were kind of a giveaway.
Kafar: Aw, nuts. Well, here's some Ferengi then.
Arridor: There's no profit in wasting money on creating a new species of alien when an old one will do.
Crowd: Hear, hear!
Chakotay: And the villagers are too stupid to realize the Ferengi are cheating them.
Janeway: So you're saying we could get some free stuff by pulling a fast one on these stupid villagers?
Chakotay: Yeah, and -- no, wait a minute. I'm saying we should do something about these Ferengi.
Janeway: Good idea. I hereby declare my guilt and responsibility for the Ferengi's lack of ethics.
Kim: Oh my god! Tuvok's head just exploded from your bad logic!
Janeway: Meh. He'll get over it.
Kol: Get us more money, you idiot.
Kafar: Yes, lesser sage.
Kol: Stop calling me that!
Kafar: Yes, you incompetent boob.
Kol: Why you little--
(They are transported to Voyager)
Janeway: You two are coming with us.
Arridor: No, we're not. You will return us to the surface.
Arridor: I don't believe it! That Jedi mind trick never works!
Janeway: I've got a new plan that'll work for sure.
Chakotay: Does it involve possible harm to Neelix and assuming that the Ferengi are even stupider than us?
Janeway: It sure does.
Neelix: Bow before the Grand Proxy! How would you like to leave this profitable place and give all your money to the Grand Nagus?
Neelix: Ha! Trick question!
Arridor: How would you like us to kill you instead of giving up our profit?
Arridor: Ha! Trick question!
Neelix: Wait! Wait! I'm not really the Grand Proxy! I gave money to those poor people.
Kol: Well, his story checks out.
Arridor: Wait -- how come Voyager sent you? You've never even met a Ferengi.
Neelix: Have you ever seen "Ménage à Troi"?
Bard: (singing) And the Sages left and everything was cool again....
Paris: Hey, let's use the song to get the Ferengi out of here!
Bard: (singing) But before they left, we burned them at the stake....
Paris: Uh oh.
Chakotay: Captain, Neelix is going to be burned to a crisp!
Janeway: (over the comm) You wanna roast some marshmallows?
Chakotay: Well, that or we could just rescue him.
Kim: Captain, the wormhole is opening.
Janeway: Yeah, well, we can't go through it because...uh...we're responsible for making sure those Ferengi don't cause any more trouble.
Kim: Captain, the Ferengi are going through the wormhole.
Janeway: Yeah, well, we can't go through it because...uh...Mr. Kim, I need some technobabble.
Kim: Um...the Ferengi shuttle has destabilized the wormhole.
Janeway: That'll do nicely.
(The Ferengi take off for the Alpha Quadrant at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.